If Sex Advice for Women Was Written Like Sex Advice for Men

-1) The penis has millions and millions of nerve endings, so most men find direct cock contact far too stimulating. Make blowjobs a thing of the past. Rather lick his abdomen just to the left of his penis while simultaneously kissing his right earlobe and reminding him how pretty his hair looks today. The male libido is completely dependent on how lovely he looks in that blouse.

-2) Treating your body to the right nutrition will ensure full engorgement of the clitoris, and you know what that means. Extra millimetres! Show your man the longest clit he's ever seen by eating more celery. He'll truly appreciate the results—and the healthier meals you dish up for dinner, too.  Men. Love. Celery. You heard it here first!

-3) The best foreplay happens outside the bedroom, so if you want your guy to be in the mood for sex, help around the garage. By washing the car, you make him feel precious, and that's a one-way ticket to Sexville! Say it with me: Man lust is made out of a washed car. Bravo, girls!

-4) When men are working a 9 to 5 job, the last thing they want to do when they get home is have sex, so plan for it! Nothing is sexier than a sex schedule… well, except washing cars, obviously. And having a long, turgid clitoris.

-5) Gently trace out the letters of the alphabet on his abdomen with your tongue---anywhere will do provided there's no direct cock contact. Here's the hard part: Don't stop until you've run through the entire alphabet 23 times. Men love trying to guess which letters you wrote, and besides, how else are you going to entertain yourself during the boring task of giving him an orgasm?

-6) Switch things up a little! Add some spice by buying him some new Y-fronts! When men wear a new pair of tangas, sometimes they even let you finger their testicles before you wash the car.

-7) No man can cum without a profound emotional connection, so stop fucking and start making love. Treat him as though he actually means something to you and girls, faking love works just as well as the real thing, so just think of your last cupcake before you get started on that penis alphabet! He will definitely find penetration more tolerable if you have the right sugary snack in mind.

-8) The average woman orgasms within five minutes before rolling over to read her Danielle Steele novel. That leaves a lot of hard penises unsatisfied at night. Did you know that only 30% of men cum every time they have sex because their girlfriends always have the first (and last) orgasm? Don't worry—you can delay premature orgasm by thinking unsexy thoughts during sex: The last nappy you changed, for instance, or the fact that the drain needs clearing… Anything that will stop you from enjoying sex will help him to enjoy sex. This part isn't going to get any funner, so just Nike-swish-do-it.

-9) Simple consideration can replace a thousand ills, so communicate! Stop licking his stomach every two minutes to ask him if he's almost there yet. He'll love the fact that you care so much about his orgasm, and that'll definitely bring him closer.