Getting Support is a Lot of Hard Work When You're Ill

Hi, I’m Red, and I don’t ask for help.

My reasons are (sometimes) more selfish than you might think, though.

They say somewhere between 45 and 60% of adult Americans have a chronic illness, but only 16% of us have experienced a significant disability. Most people never really find out what “help” entails for someone like me.

Telling people you’re going through a bad health phase is like signing up as a counsellor. Those who love you will worry.

You will have to field that worry.

They will want to talk.

You will have to participate in those conversations.

They will ask you what you need every day, so you will have to talk to several people when the one thing you really want is rest. When you tell people you’re suffering, your phone starts beeping, and you suffer even more than you were before people started trying to support you.

I’d rather buy my own groceries than tell people I’m ill. Buying groceries is less work than supporting people who are trying to support you. I love my friends. They’re there when I need them, but few of them understand that the best way help is to quietly slink away while I get some sleep.

Sure, in less dire situations, help and chatter can be supportive, but if you’re at the wrong end of a hospital admission, solitude is the only guaranteed way to be selfish. It will buy you the time you need to rest, and sometimes, that's the thing you need the most.

When my mother died, my family and I were fielding phone calls all day, every day. People wanted to know what we needed and how they could help, so we were constantly answering the phone, scheduling visits, and accepting gift baskets.

It was exhausting.

Don’t get me wrong. I treasure every call and gift basket, but when half of Benoni is trying to help, you don’t get time to cry. I cried when I was with my mother after her death, but I didn’t get another second to grieve until I came home two weeks later.

Two weeks is a long time when you really need to cry. The only way you ever learn how burdensome support can be is by experiencing it in the wake of a death or severe illness.

The same tendency plays out in hospital. You’re deathly ill, and the medical world thinks the best way to assist is to give you an infinite stream of blood pressure checks, meals, and doctors’ visits. You get more rest at home than in a clinic because there are fewer people trying to help you.

I do most of my whining on Fet where I’m less likely to tempt supporters to my doorstep.

I don’t ask for help because asking for help doesn’t usually get me the help I need.

I don’t ask for help because I need help, and not asking for it is the best way to get it.

What help do I need? Well, I need rest. I know that requires you to be passive. I know that passivity makes you feel unhelpful, but I want nothing less than a full day of complete silence.