You Know More About Kink Than You Think You Do

So you’ve found BDSM. You want to be tied. Or flogged. Or dominated, but you feel like the most ignorant person in the room.

You aren’t.

Your vanilla years have taught you to recognise abuse. You know what it means to be treated well by a partner. Kink doesn’t negate that knowledge. Your stomach will burn when you see exploitation masquerading as BDSM. Your intuition matters. Respect your judgement. It will keep you safe.

You'll often be wrong and that’s okay because kink should feel safe to you. It might challenge you. It might make you uncomfortable. Hell, maybe fear is your biggest kink, but only let it in when you feel so profoundly safe that you know you won't be damaged. Hold onto your intuition. It will keep you safe.

Until now, you might have seen consent as a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ equation. If there's a lesson this site should teach you, it’s that things are no different here. We just have a longer list of things to say yes to. Read everything you can about scene negotiation, but don’t forget what the vanilla world taught you about boundaries. It will keep you safe.

Maybe you know which role to choose from the drop-down menu, but Fetlife doesn’t negate all you’ve learned from your vanilla relationships. You already know the traits you want out of your love story. Cling to them with all your might because some of us will try to take them away from you. Don’t allow it. You’re still allowed to seek out the romance and intimacy you wanted from your vanilla partners.

None of us practices the same kind of kink even though we use the same tools, terms, and toys. We all want unique things. They're all 100% original, even if we tell you we know the only right way of doing D/s. Hold onto yourself and your desires. It will keep you safe. You can safely make your way around this community if you cling to your principles.

BDSM is not the definition of a relationship. It's merely the structure. The relationship itself relies as heavily on vanilla elements as any other, maybe more so. You demanded honesty before, so demand it now. You expected trust before, so expect it now. You wanted love profound enough to pull your soul from your mouth, so don’t let that desire go.

Think of your knowledge, beliefs, and desires as a tree stump. Turning it into a tree doesn’t entail cutting the stump out of the ground. It entails nurturing what’s in the soil already until branch after branch and leaf after leaf grows from it. I use the word ‘nurture’ and that's what your growth should feel like--as though you’re being fed, not dug out of the ground by your roots.