How To Be a Fetlebrity

Thank you for embarking on the selfless endeavour of becoming a Fetlebrity. The first step towards kinky stardom is the ability to use seven adjectives in a sentence and sacrifice your grammar-checking app on the flames of Mount Doom.

You might

Also

Consider

Turning your prose

Into poetry

Through the

Use of

Unnecessary

Line

Br

E

A

K

S.

Being a Fetlebrity requires you to shoot for higher goals, so say this after me: I can make more typos. Yes, you can. Typos are the Fetlebrity power that makes your brand sing. Calling yourself “published” is another crucial branding ingredient, otherwise how will people know they’re supposed to respect you? My writing's been published by 'Dawg Press', 'The Dawg Publishers', and 'Dawg Publications'. All my posts are available for you to admire at www.dawg.com.

As you see, I have 9492 friends, and every last one of them has been thoroughly vetted. This screening process is tough to get through, so good luck on your odyssey. I will altruistically allow you to use my own step-by-step vetting guide.

### Dawg's Screening Process

* 1) If you dug my K&P post, it means you and I are no longer strangers, and you have passed through the screening system.

The first time you make K&P, you will realise that Fetlife only requires one dominant, and that dominant is you. That’s the moment you will begin capitalising all your first-person pronouns. Do not take this step lightly. The masses might not know how to wash dishes, but they *do* know that a person who uses S/slashy S/speak is the real deal, as Abraham Lincoln wrote on quotegarden.com.

Your next step to Fet Fame is to altruistically start a cult that consists entirely of women who wear DD bras and are willing to relocate to Biarriz to look after your bedridden mum, add spelling errors to your posts, and have sex with your friends. Please note the stunning length of the run-on sentence I just used because you’ll be required to achieve as much in your posts, for you are a Fetlebrity, and you alone can write impenetrable prose.

Ever since men invented The Female Vote, women have been walking aimlessly in circles wondering how to do their own laundry and get jobs. That is what they’re called, right? Jobs? Anyway, they've been waiting for a man exactly like you to tell them what to think. The power of your domly essence will lead them to the promised penis: *Your* penis, for you are a Fetlebrity, hallowed be thy genitals.

Becoming a Fetlebrity will thus require you to announce that you’re looking for more slaves to add to your House. Publish your list of requirements to avoid attracting the unwashed masses. You may use mine if you like. This is my list of requirements:

-1) They must be 20 years old.

Building a reputation is easier than you think. All you really need to do is regularly write public tantrums over the fact that Fetlife hosts way too many basement-dwellers. Your moral outrage shall prove that you are not a Cheeto-eating basement-dweller. See how that works? Amazing!

A True Dom knows the power of outrage to develop plausible deniability, and this is all you really need to convince us you’re a professional writer who isn’t paid.