Subs Aren't Delicate Flowers

If I were to name my most hated BDSM belief, it would be that all dominants should protect their subs. It assumes that male dominants are uniquely qualified for a role that we can't perform for ourselves.

We can.

African women are powerful beings. Many of our cultures are matriarchal, and you’d better believe that a 120-kilogram mama in a doek is a force to contend with. Never underestimate a Xhosa woman with a handbag. She will fucking end you.

Seven years ago, eight muscular men were building a wall for my neighbour. One morning, I heard screaming. I went to my window to find those workmen standing in a neat li’l row staring in the direction of the scream. Then a 50-year-old woman belted out of her gate and began running towards the scream. Someone was getting mugged, and she was going to do something about it even if those eight workmen refused.

When bullets flew in front of my house a few months back, it was the women who ran towards them. If you’re a criminal, it’s not the South African men you need to worry about. Here on the butt end of Africa, we’ve been a global rape capital for decades, so we learn situational awareness before we learn to tie our shoelaces. Most of us are better at protecting ourselves than most men ever could.

This is not to say I resist all protective men. My most recent relationship was with a hyper-protective man, and I loved the sense of safety he gave me. He was an ex-MMA fighter with an impressive degree of stoicism. He wouldn’t assault someone for the sake of his ego. He would avoid danger long before an attack was necessary. He had the skills and self-control required of a protector, so his approach wasn’t condescending.

I’m not against protective doms. I’m against the blanket belief that all subs need protection, and all doms are capable of providing it.

Let’s say my ideal kink dynamic required a dom who could edit my writing. I would go out looking for someone who was uniquely qualified to do so, but that’s a far cry from thinking ALL dominants make good editors. Most of them need me as an editor, so I’d be annoyed if someone said all subs had awful syntax.

That’s how I feel about the idea that all dominants offer protection. If you have the skills, I’ll celebrate them, but never assume that all subs are patently incapable of taking care of themselves. It’s infantalising and makes several false assumptions. I don’t want anyone to take care of me. I do an excellent job without your help.

I’m also pretty talented at protecting my health and state of mind, so I won’t need domly counselling Services either. I’d rather rely on my therapist and medical team. They have the qualifications, after all. You don’t get a doctorate merely by virtue of your dominant role. Liking kinky sex is not a Harvard Medical School certificate, so please stop telling me all dominants should "help" their subs to evolve.

I know you think you’re big and strong, but there’s one thing you seem to miss: I’m big and strong, too. I might not have your biceps, but I’m an African woman who’s learned how to survive in some of the most dangerous cities in the world. An American man would die in those cities in under a week, so please stop assuming all subs are wilting flowers.

We’re not flowers. We’re rocks.