Imposters in the Kink Community

When I found the kink community, I was an exhibitionist and a slave. That was another life. I’m living this life now, and every streak of exhibitionism in me has evaporated. These days, ‘demisexual’ probably describes me best, but that label will rub off soon enough. They usually do.

The only thing I’ve learned about my sexuality is that it’s a constantly evolving organism. The more certain I am that I’ve finally found a solid sexual identity, the more overwhelming the next transformation is. Buddhists say impermanence is the only one permanence. I’ve been a a sub, a switch, a primal, a slut, and a masochist. I’ve been all hundred shades in between. There’s only one thing I’ve never been: static.

I often take a vanilla world friend with me to events, and despite his fondness for kink, he feels like an imposter. He’s no different to most of the newbies I meet here. They often say they’re not sufficiently submissive/dominant/masochistic/*insert your favourite judgement here*. I felt that way when I came to Fetlife, too. If I were to guess, I’d say most of us feel like imposters in the BDSM community.

Most of my closest kink friends think they’re too vanilla or that their roles don’t fit precisely enough under a label to have any relevance. I find such people more authentic and honest, which is why they’re my friends. Maybe fully evolved people live among us, but more often than not, I suspect they’re just pretending because they have an even worse case of imposter syndrome than the rest of us.

We are all still just people with one lousy thing in common: we live sex positive lives. That’s it. We’re all just enjoying the ride. We’re *all* exploring, and kink is far more interesting when it’s expressed through an authentic individual anyway. We’re imposters because we’re different to everyone else. That’s what makes us alike.

That’s why you and I can feel so at home in the kink scene.