Your Social Phobia Isn't Worthy Of Shame, So Get To an Event

Fetlife is confronting for the socially anxious. You want to be an active part of scene, but a room full of kinky strangers is what horror movies are made of. If you have this disorder, presenting yourself to a crowd on such an intimate basis is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. You’d rather stay home even though you signed up for the party. You swore you’d show up this time, but every passing hour makes the event more frightening. 

Social phobia is a self-perpetuating monster. You’re anxious that people will notice you’re anxious, and if they notice you’re anxious, you become even *more* anxious, which makes your anxiety even easier to notice. There seems to be no solution to this problem. How do you stop a snake from eating its own tail? 

I’ve been in therapy for my self-esteem and social phobia for seven years—the same length of time I’ve been a part of the kink scene. When it was time to start doing events, I didn’t have the full toolkit I do now. I believed three things, though: 

* You don't have to act on your fear. Your social anxiety can’t stop your legs from carrying you through the door.

* If you tell people about your fear, it will feel more manageable. 

* Crowds are way less scary if you meet a few people in advance. 

That’s how I got to my first event… and my second… and my third. I learned that I didn’t have to be confident and sophisticated. People would accept me exactly as I was. Maybe it was therapy that improved my social phobia. Maybe it was the kink scene, but I’ve learned a few things about this disorder along the way. 

There are worse flaws than being nervous. If someone judges you for it, they've self-selected. The trash has taken itself out. Those who can relate to you in the midst of your terror are worth knowing. That makes social phobia a superpower. It selects compassionate people, and what other superpower can achieve that? 

Last night I watched the final episodes of Glow Up. (Don’t judge me.) Three contestants had to do a presentation in front of the giants of their industry. One of them was so terrified she couldn’t put a sentence together, but then she acknowledged her fear and mistakes to the crowd. She made them a part of her nervousness, and then she broke through. She finished gorgeously. 

And she won the entire season. 

She taught me that social phobia isn't worthy of shame -- it isn't a moral failing. I should have known that already, but I’ve always thought of it as something to hide. Last night I asked myself why. This is hardly the sort of flaw that damages others.

I once attended a kink party during the last throes of an abusive relationship. I had been thoroughly destroyed. I felt comfortable being there even though the sparkly parts of my personality were lying in a heap in the corner. That’s because the kink scene is different from vanilla society. It feels like home to me, so I’ve stopped hiding my flaws. They can take it. 

I know it’s hard to attend your first event, but it might be the first step to your recovery.