You Don't Have to Be a Service Dominant

Hank is a new dom so wet behind the ears you could wring all that moisture into a glass. He’s already struggling. He managed to find a girlfriend (Yay, Hank!) and buy three toys with the cash he had left for Salticrax. He’s terrified that his new sub will detect the scent of his inexperience. He wants to make her happy, but she’s into a few things that he’s uncomfortable with. He’s not into scarification, but it’s one of her biggest kinks. He’s not too enthusiastic about punching women in the face either—another kink she “needs”. If he doesn’t deliver, has he failed her?

There are thousands of Hanks in this community, and this is when they usually write to me. What can they do? How do they find it in themselves to become Ultra-Sadists? What kind of mental gymnastics do they have to do to become someone they’re not?

Subs have all the power. That’s what they say, so the first step to an ethical scene is to explore your sub’s kinks and limits. Then it’s the D-type’s duty to serve them up like dim sum dishes. That is, in any case, what many of the dom/mes in my inbox believe. Their sense of inadequacy breaks my heart.

We need to emphasise a sub’s power for the sake of our safety, but our efforts to do so fail to address men and women like Hank. Dom/mes have a right to consent, too. They get to make their own list of nopes, and if their subs don’t respect that, they get to defend their boundaries. Hell, they even get to leave, because if you go too far for your conscience to bear, you will probably never forget it. A light, intimate, happy relationship will suddenly become Nietzschean.

Dom/mes and service tops are two very different things.

If you’re a service top, you extract joy from delivering dim sum kinks. You don’t have to be a service top. You don’t have to engage in kinks that make you uncomfortable. You, too, can say “no.” You, too, can say “red”. You, too, can decide if you want to be monogamous or poly. You, too, get to communicate your ideal D/s dynamic.

Your value as a human doesn’t shrink because of your inexperience. Being new to something doesn’t make you less. We are all new sometimes.

Your value as a human doesn’t shrink every time you say “no.”

Your value as a human doesn’t shrink with your number of limits.

Do you even have explicit limits? You should. If your boundaries are cast in stone, maybe your self-esteem won’t get you into trouble.

If you’re a Hank, please get in touch with your comfort zone. You get to feel safe, too. You get to be gloriously, uniquely you. If a sub isn’t satisfied with your boundaries, they’re not the sub for you.