What it's Like to Be a Man Who isn't an Asshole On Fetlife

They say if you're a man on Fetlife, you're invisible. Nobody replies to your messages. Nobody cares what you post. You might as well be a ghost, so in 2020, I turned my affiliate profile into an ordinary guy—the type who treats people like people and doesn't shove his dick in your face. I called him --Twitch--, gave him a tie, and uploaded a few of my favourite things into his album: a Calvin and Hobbes picture, a photo of Coconut Rice Bear… you know… just stuff that spoke to my character. I wrote a short profile description and then it was time to roll.

I received a friendly message almost immediately (from a woman, if you must know.) I left a few comments on some posts and received a friend request within the hour—also from a woman, if you must know. Then three more descended on my album to tell me how much they loved Calvin and Hobbes because why wouldn't they? Calvin and Hobbes are awesome.

That was day one.

On day two, I'd have to start approaching women directly, and my methods for doing so were revolutionary. I read their profiles.

<gasp>

I read their posts and looked at their pictures to see if we had anything in common. Then I sent messages about that thing we had in common. I do exactly the same thing here at SpanishRed, and it was no less successful for Twitch. The women and men I spoke to were all lovely. I struck up a few genuine friendships. Three years later, those friends are still on my friends list.

Before you scream me down about ethics, I didn’t catfish anyone. I limited my experiment to first messages, then outed myself to the people who wrote to me. That created its own limitations, but them’s the breaks.

Still, excluding the many interactions I had outside Twitch's inbox, my success rate for responses to unsolicited messages was 80%--which is pretty close to my response rate here at Red. And it's pretty fucking high, particularly when there are men on this site claiming that all men are invisible on Fetlife. Twitch received 157 unsolicited interactions over two weeks.

He was far from invisible. He put as much effort into meeting people as I do as a woman, and his results were just as successful as mine are as a woman. <shock and awe!>

Three women and one man thought Twitch was an asshole. They’re all my friends here at my Red profile, so I’ll give you this: Sometimes, being a man does require you to do extra work with some people. Why you not like Twitch? <sob>

During a previous experiment, I sent out the kind of shitty, over-sexed comments I receive from dudebros to the very dudebros who'd sent me over-sexed messages. I only got two replies. From men. My sexual harasser was not popular among the men he sexually harassed.

My conclusion: <drumroll> If you behave like an asshole, you will be invisible on Fetlife.

If you treat people with respect, you won't be invisible on Fetlife.

<bow>

When I originally posted this writing, a few men insisted Twitch had an unfair advantage. Most of them complained that he’d worn a tie, which gave me a higher success rate than they could achieve. I am, however, not sure why they can’t wear respectable clothing in their avatars. This mystery will never be solved. The Calvin and Hobbes cartoon was equally “unjust” because my magical female brain had told me how to attract women.

They also said Twitch’s habit of reading profiles was unfair because they weren’t willing to do that. They didn’t have the time. So you’re telling me you won’t do the work, but you resent the fact that you aren’t getting the salary? Alright, Bucko. Why don’t you head to your nearest Mcdonald's and tell the manager they owe you wages for work you didn’t do. I’m sure they’ll give you a ton of money. Then you’ll have the cash to hire your friendly neighbourhood sex worker.