Women Aren't the Sidekicks in Your Story

Women are not the sidekicks in your story—not to provide sex in exchange for a burger, fix your dating problems, or fight for your causes. We’re not your prostitutes, your counsellors, or your consultants. We’re the heroes of our own stories. We have salaries to earn and people to date just like you. Our schedules are no less cluttered. Our psychologies are no less frayed. We might give our time if we have any left, but we cannot carry the majority of the weight for your gender and our own.

Women aren’t the supporting characters in your life—not to open the men’s safe houses you’re unwilling to run yourself, not to campaign for men’s rights, provide sex, or respond to your DMs. Most women would listen to your struggles, but there are so many of you, and so few who are willing to do the work you so eagerly try to push onto our shoulders.

SA women earn 35% less for doing the same job so our resources are limited. We’re also spending 173 more hours on unpaid childcare than men, but we have to scrounge up the resources for our gaping rape and femicide problem, anyway.

I care about my male friends. I’d do anything for them, but I cannot find the time or resources to solve the problems of an entire gender. Not when my own gender needs so much more. If you think there aren’t enough men’s shelters, open them. Volunteer. Donate. Don’t expect women to solve this problem for you. We choose our own causes because we aren't sidekicks, but the main characters in our own stories.

So you think there isn’t enough content out there about male rape? I agree. I’ve tried to give it a voice, but I’m just one woman with causes of her own. If you think there’s too much silence around this issue, write. If you think the world needs more awareness, speak. If you think rape myths need debunking, create your own voice. Women are not here to write about things you find uniquely important. That’s your job.

Men complain about the lack of men’s safe houses every time I write a feminist post. A few years ago, I began asking them if they’d done anything to solve the problem. Had they volunteered? Donated resources? Opened shelters of their own?

They all said no. Not one had done a stitch of work. Not one had donated as much as a dollar. One of them was shouting that there wasn’t a single safe house in his state. A woman local to him came forward to say she’d actually driven to one of those safe houses to make a donation. We ultimately found several safe houses for men in his state, yet our guy had never even looked for them, let alone donated time or money.

Women bear the brunt of rape culture. Violence is an ordinary part of our lives. We’re trying to help the women who are affected by that and campaign for a better world. Men need to step up for their own causes. You have the privilege of the wage gap on your side. You also have the privilege of being the least targeted demographic for gender-based violence, and that gives you far more resources than the woman down the street who’s still traumatised in the wake of an assault.

Stop guilting women for not taking on men’s causes. Stop shaming us for not providing an equal-opportunity dating experience. Stop insisting you have a right to a reply to your unsolicited messages. Stop asking women why we aren’t writing about your experiences. We are not the sidekicks in your story, and the correct person to fight for your causes is you.