David Attenborough Explores the K&P Underbrush

(Written on a patron's request)

When you make your way through the treacherous cliffs of the Fetlife underbrush, the odds of survival are heavily stacked against you. David Fettenborough has been studying the most perilous ecosystem on Fetlife for over 50 years.

“Documenting the splendour of K&P is a never-ending delight. Its rarest creatures, monogamous heterosexuals, have never been seen on camera. Most believe they’re completely extinct," says Fettenborough as he applies a generous dose of lube to his rather large cock. “Today, we’re hiking through this perilous savannah to catch a rare sighting.

“In my back pack are hand warmers, Nutella, and signalling devices… Oh. And you can’t have enough espresso.” Fettenborough narrates his woodland hike in a tone of hushed anticippppp…
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…pation: “This morning, we’re heading for a K&P woodland where there are porn videos to hunt. It’s a long journey for the exhausted Fetlifers. For the weakest cis male, it’s a real struggle to keep up. K&P is a brutal world so Smut that Isn’t Vanilla is a valuable catch at this time of year. See how this young bisexual slowly approaches from K&P’s undergrowth. It’s been a while since her last orgasm, so an unsuccessful hunt for the right porn could cost her her life. Three inches away, a young hard on is fading away. The erotica has come too late for him.

In the shadows of a baobab tree, an alpha sub displays her dominance over unwitting doms by informing them she’s not a kink dispenser. The alpha’s job is now complete. It’s down to the domly herd to frantically remind the damaged dom that this is a sex site and he is therefore not that much of an asshole.

The Fetlife undergrowth contains life even in its most challenging planes, and here we have a pack of exhibitionists beneath a slab of igneous rock. Look how glorious their plumage is! Their crotchless G-strings are a luminous cerise so bright it can attract boyfriends from forty miles, even from this isolated crag. If someone calls this female a “good girl”, she might just survive the day, since all exhibitionists only exist when a man is looking.

Not all K&P creatures are easy to find. In fact Dian Fettey claims that the Sexy, Intelligent, Funny, Cupcake-Baking Twue Dom is extinct. Leicester University held a fossil was said to have belonged to this species, but it was eventually identified as a narwhal foetus. With such hoaxes proliferating, the existence of the Twue Cupcake Dom has been widely disputed. Our environmental problems would be easier to solve with fewer smut hunters and more baked confections.

Now we move into the flatlands. Observe as an isolated brat builds a nest out of sparkly things on her boyfriend’s PlayStation 4, leaving glittering breadcrumbs behind her wherever she roams. The species’ burgeoning fondness for bedazzling literally everything is a worrying indictment on standards of submission, so let’s pretend they do what they’re told. Occasionally. Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder about the future of Fetlife’s subs, what with all these doms with senses of humour wandering about.

If you look carefully, you’ll see an authentic Only Fans model under this acacia tree. It’s an extraordinary thing that a large portion of Fetlifians never see a wild creature unless it’s got its clothes off. Indeed, if you watch this OF model for any length of time, you’ll see that her main role in her ecosystem is to remove her clothes in sexy ways.

David Fettenborough sums up: “The path through K&P is full of hazards. Build a strong blanket fort. Use your wits. Respect the crumbs around you. For this, the sexiest generation of Fetlifers, is our legacy.”