Celibate People Can Be Happy, Too

The last time I got laid was in 2021. Before that, it was 2015. If you can’t math, that’s two and five years of celibacy respectively. It’s a long time, but mushrooms haven’t sprouted from my earlobes. I haven’t shriveled into a magic bean or transformed into a toad. I didn’t scream like a toddler in the candy aisle over my middling sex life. I built a good life with great friends instead. I made sure that sex was the only thing missing from my experience as a single. I cured my loneliness, built a rewarding life, and fulfilled all of my needs.

I’m telling you this for two reasons:

1. Women are not drowning in sex any more than you are. Some of us are sexually active. Others are not. Some of us choose to be more discerning. Others do not. Some women get the boy, and some spend the rest of their lives crying over him.
2. I know you think all womankind is having a sex fest, but we face the same challenges you do. Some of us are socially awkward, just like some men. Some of us are struggling to get over abusive relationships just like some men. Some are insecure and some just can’t find the right person, just like some men.

You aren’t uniquely lonely by virtue of your gender. There is no conspiracy trying to starve you of sex because you’re a man. There is no injustice here. Some people just have long periods of celibacy.

A study of 18,000 Americans found that 15.2% of men reported having no sex in the last year. Want to know which percentage of women reported having no sex in the last year? Almost 27%. In fact, college-educated women in their 20s are three times as likely as other women to have periods of celibacy lasting five or more years.

If you’re a 30-something man gluing your tears all over incel sites, you are not the victim in this story. Nobody is.

You're only different in the sense that you’ve turned your celibacy into an identity with its own name. This habit is only going to blow your misery up to 200 times its original size. Am I irritating you? Yup. I know. This paragraph is exceedingly irritating, but I’m older than 45, so it’s my job to be preachy.

You have two choices to make here:

1. Be happy
2. Be miserable

These are choices you get to make.

An internal locus of control is one of the most common characteristics of happy people. Those with an external locus of control think that their lives are being sculpted by factors beyond their own control. Man-hating feminists, for example, or gender, or awkwardness. And if you think other people or things are causing your celibacy, you'll hyperfocus on the difficult parts of single life instead of the spectacular bits.

I know that last sentence was annoying as well. Here. Have a fake cupcake. 🧁

Look, I know that loneliness is one of the hardest feelings to plague mankind. I understand you. I used to be lonely, too, so I know. I empathise, but that’s why I’m writing this post: To tell you that you do NOT need sex to cure your loneliness. Focus on the things you can control. Make friends. Show them your real self. Share your deepest sadness. Ask for help. Get a dog. Borrow a cat. Find something to get excited about. Stop pinning your entire identity on your genitals.

Happiness is a thing you get to chase after, and celibate people can have it, too.