Celibacy Won't Kill You, But Rage Might

Yesterday I met a lot of men who are exceedingly unhappy about their sex lives. Many were even rabidly resentful of women for not providing equal dating opportunities to men. They experienced their celibacy as an affront perpetrated by the female gender.

I was 500 words into writing a post about it. Then the power went out and erased all my hard work. This happens almost every day. South Africa is in a power crisis. On good days, we experience two hours of outages. On bad days, it’s 14. Yes, 14. We went through a phase a few months back when we had more power outages than we did power.

We have two options:

• Seethe with resentment because the power crisis is a conspiracy and we have a constitutional right to electricity. Besides, people are literally dying. If they’re hooked onto a machine in ICU and the power goes out, they’re screwed.
• Buy inverters, rechargeable lamps, and gas stoves. Switch to laptop. Try not to give your anger too much berth. Campaign to get constant power for ICU wards. Do your best.

Now, both options are equally legitimate. The power crisis is a kind of conspiracy. We do have a constitutional right, and people are definitely dying. But resentment is just a kind of poison that gives rise to misery, so South Africans have come up with a hundred ways to overcome it. They try to look on the bright side. (Bright. Lol) They make stupid, pun-laden jokes and think about how romantic it is to play Scrabble by candlelight. They pay attention to everything they’ve gained from less screen time. If they can afford it, they go solar. If they can’t afford it, they make do with a tiny inverter and some gas.

That’s the difference between taking control of the situation and writhing in its misery. Both are valid. Only one will keep you happy, and so it is with the single life. You can writhe in the misery of the thing. You can shout about the injustice every time you see a woman choosing a man you find unworthy. You can enumerate your losses and develop anti-feminist philosophies that turn the women who won’t shag you into monsters.

You’re well within your rights to do all those things, but they won’t make you happy. They’ll actually bolster your celibacy because women aren’t drawn to resentment.

I’ve been single for two years. Before my COVID romance, I was single for five, so I’m not preaching from a pulpit. I am actually one of you perpetually single people. I’m only different in the sense that I’m not resentful. I don’t believe my experience is an injustice, and I don’t blame the male gender for it.

Instead, I invested in my friendships so that I didn’t have to be lonely. I did therapy to resolve some of the issues that have led to my extended single phase. I started borrowing dogs from the neighbours. I made damned well sure I didn’t give my misery a foothold. Essentially, I identified the needs that relationships fulfilled, and I fulfilled them without relationships. It’s just like buying an inverter. You get the power you need, even if you don’t get the power you used to have when there was no power crisis to speak of.

You don’t have to get an inverter. I won’t benefit from your decision, but if you don’t, you’re the one who’s going to be sitting in the dark.

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