Unicorn Hunters Aren't Poly. They're Monogamous Couples Looking For a Fantasy

This is your basic personals ad:

Professional person seeking someone to have and hold. Must be into ball gags, Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.

This is your basic unicorn-hunting ad:

Professional couple seeking bi slave who's willing to quit their job. Must like Pina Coladas served in shot glasses with ice and getting caught in light showers, but not heavy ones. Must like border collies with brown fur and be willing to walk them three times a day. Must have red hair, but not too red. Maybe a bit on the blonde side, but more red than blonde. Must be 6 feet tall with a golden tan, but not too dark. Must be willing to do all the cooking. We only date <insert major religion here>.

There’s a reason unicorn hunters have 20,000-word personals ads. Your basic bread-and-butter monogamous relationship goes like this:

Boy meets boy. Boy falls in love with boy, and they live happily ever after. Then they get a divorce.

Your run-of-the-mill poly relationship goes:

Boy meets boy. Boy falls in love with boy. Boy 1 and Boy 2 consent to spreading their love around like Nutella on a crepe. Then Boy 3 divorces Boy 1. Or something.

Unicorn hunters are a little different. Here, boy meets boy. Boy 1 and Boy 2 fantasise about how sexy it would be to have a real live toy to play with. That toy is not a boy. </rhyme> It’s not even human. It’s just an object they want on the shelf to add sparkle to their sexual relationship. As soon as that toy loses its sheen, they throw it out with the empty Nutella jars. No divorce is necessary since they never committed in the first place.

Unicorn hunters aren’t looking for humans. They’re looking for sexual fantasies. These tend to be rather detailed because there are no limits to the imagination. Just ask Steve the foot fetishist who prefers red nail varnish under black fishnets.

Unicorn hunters aren’t poly. They’re monogamous. Their third doesn’t qualify as a poly partner because it’s a toy to be stored on the shelf. That’s fine if that’s the sort of thing all three of them are into, but usually, hunters aren’t that honest. They’ll tell you they’re seeking a poly partner, then treat you as something wholly different. You will always have second place in this relationship. You will never be a Real Boy, no matter how honest, brave, and true you are.

You'll never make those Pina Coladas just right, and no amount of getting caught in the rain will save you. Nobody will ever become the object in someone else’s imagination.

In the song “Escape” Boy 1 discovers that Girl 2 was his perfect woman all along. He just lost sight of her perfection. Unicorn, this will not happen to you. You will always be one more object to be thrown away every time you become inconvenient. This is why poly folk are so dedicated to their ethics -- because there’s no such thing as unicorns, no matter how hard you try to make your butt sparkle.