David Attenborough Explains Why Fetlife's Women Are Defecting to Antarctica

Antarctica! One of the sparsest landscapes on earth, but an astonishing species has begun to make a home between the icicles: 99-year-old females have settled here from a far-away island called Fetlife. Why did they come here? Why do they look so relaxed? And why are they making it so hard for men to find The Sex?

Here, we see five young females watching an icicle melt without attracting a single come-on from a male in musth. And here, on this ice shelf, we see three more looking at Tom Hardy photos on Instagram without wondering if it’s time to go into their inboxes to reject The Sex yet. So peaceful are these pensioners that they barely make it into location-based searches at all. Yes, nobody wants to go find The Sex in Antarctica. That’s why thousands of female creatures defect here every year.

Predators are scarce. Few young males will attempt to get The Sex from a 99-year-old woman, so the entire female species has evolved this camouflage to keep males at bay. Men rarely hunt for prey in foreign countries, and if you’re systematically looking for The Sex, location matters.

This young female’s inbox is so empty she thought it was J.K. Rowling’s head for a second, and that’s the whole everloving bloody point. Unless your penis can stretch across an ocean, there’s no reason to hunt for a mate outside your country. Nobody gives away any vaginas In Antarctica, like, ever.

On the icy terrain, we see a lost Nice Guy trying to find his way back home. If you listen carefully, you’ll hear his mating call: “Where can I get The Sex? I can’t get The Sex! There aren’t any 20-year-old women here!” Tragically, this male has realised there are no Antarcticans younger than 99; Those only live in well-populated countries. His journey has been in vain.

This male will wander into a cave, where he will live out his life praying to Andrew Tate. Here, he will die until a roaming female discovers his carcass and steals his PlayStation. Yes, women in Antarctica don’t have to read endless reams of DMs smothered in cum, so they have time to play Stray whenever they bloody well want to.