There's a Particular Kind of Sub We've All Met

There’s a particular kind of sub we’ve all met. Let’s call her Adena. She knows 10 slave positions and will perform them on cue. Yes, Adena takes obedience seriously, so she always goes the extra mile. Have you seen the flogger she wove out of embroidery thread last Wednesday? And did you know she can manifest butt bruises without even being touched? Can you do that? Adena doesn’t think so.

If there’s one thing Adena knows for sure, it’s that brats are killing the kink scene and, by the way, have you seen the grace with which she transforms into a human ashtray? So inspiring!

Adena is better than you, and she’s here to tell you that your kink dynamic is inconsistent with the BDSM Revised Disciplinary Rules of 1956. She evolved out of feminism when she met her guy, and the fact that you’re still talking about the wealth gap is clear evidence that you’re a fake sub.

Adena is not fake. She arranges the toys in alphabetical order every morning before her Master wakes up, and S/she L/earned the A/rt of S/lashy S/peak from a monk at the top of Mt Etna. You say you don’t have the time for that kind of thing, but Adena thinks you'd make time if you cared. Yep, she loves showing up unsubmissive subs. When she’s not explaining The Truth of BDSM, she’s crocheting cock rings and baking cupcakes with teeny, sugary handcuffs on the top.

You won’t meet Adena at a play party, but damn, does she get around. She’s the lone voice in the desert that makes imperfect subs doubt every kink they have. You don't want to be a human ashtray. You can’t make sugary handcuffs. You would rather watch The Last of Us than learn those godawful slave positions. (They're YMCA, right?)

Adena thinks you'd better step up your game or your boyfriend will leave you in a haze of Adena-loving glitter.

Adena isn’t made of flesh and blood. She lives in your head and mine, and she’s The Sub We’re Supposed to Be. She's probably roaming around your brain shaming you for using your safe word three times this week. Adena says if don’t tame your gag reflex, you won’t deserve the soft belt. She also has an hour’s lecture on the concerning length of your limit list. She thinks you need to say “yes” more frequently, so isn't it about time you reconsidered that orgy of strangers your top keeps suggesting?

Adena makes us do things we don’t want to do, and she pushes us to become someone we’re not. The louder our inner Adena is, the more untrustworthy we become because every decent domme wants an enthusiastic “yes.” One of the most undervalued traits of submission is the ability to say “yes” when it’s a yes and “not a fuck” when it’s a no.

And Adena makes that pretty impossible.

I’ll tell you a little something about this Adena bitch. Nobody can achieve her level of subservience, so fuck her. Put her in the basement and tie her up in tinsel. Leave her there for a year. She fucking loves that shit.