Things You Don't Know About Being a Woman

• Being a woman is more expensive. Unlike men, we have to pay for tampons, the pill, HRT, and bras, but we can touch our bewbs any time we like. Beat that, Bucko.
• They purposefully don’t put real pockets in our clothes because then they can sell more handbags, but we still have bewbs, and you still don’t.
• You have to get a Master’s Degree in art if you want to wear lipstick. Have you seen what they’re doing to their eyebrows these days? Do you think you can make your eyebrows look like a Picasso painting? I don’t think so, and you don’t get to say, “Well, everyone’s bad at something, and I’m bad at eyebrows." NOBODY CARES. YOUR FACE MUST BE A PICASSO. If it doesn’t, you have to stay inside.
• If you do have to say inside, though, your girlfriends will definitely bring you Nutella. If they don’t, men will totally bring it for you if you tell them you’re on your period. They won’t even get suspicious if they picked up your HRT last week. Sweddegod.
• If you’re a man, you might not understand that last point. It’s fine. As a woman, I know how to pat you on the head and tell you you’re still a clever boy. <pat pat>
• If you have fluid-bonded sex, you have to spend the next three days leaking. This does not feel sanitary, but every time it happens you’ll remember how he grazed his mouth on your thigh, and it will all seem worth it.
• <pat pat>
• Women go to Sarcasm School at the age of 13. This is why we’re better at it than you. Remember when your teacher told you the girls were going to Home Economics Class? They lied. It was Sarcasm School.
• It was.
• Was.
• Real Men don’t eat quiche. Real Women can survive getting their pubes waxed off. Tell me who’s Chuck Norris now?
• So on Monday my friend’s tenant put bread crumbs on the counter next to the microwave. On Tuesday he put them on top of the microwave. On Wednesday it was the stove. By Friday he had coated literally every surface of the kitchen with breadcrumbs. Women don’t clean the crumbs. They wait until Friday so they can cart the dude all over the kitchen showing him his humiliating habits in all their glory. This is what it means to be a woman.
• Now you know. <pat pat>