Things Cis Men Need to Know About Bewbs

1. A hard nipple is not necessarily a turned-on nipple. If you encounter one in the wild, it might be because it’s Wednesday. It might be because the wind just blew. It might be because a bra seam got skritchy. If nipples and penises had an erection contest, the penises would be too embarrassed to participate.
2. Yes. Skritchy is a real word. I just made it up. There are literally no better words to describe a skritchy bra seam.
3. If bras cost the same as Y-fronts, all womankind would have enough cash to import Jason Momoa for a date. ONE decent bra costs US$90.
4. Yes, Jason Momoa does want to date us. Yes, all of us. Every last one.
5. Since we’re on the subject, we need a different bra for every outfit because the only women who wear black bras under white vests live in your smut fantasies. There are strapless bras and halter bras. There are sports bras and wireless bras. There are bras for whites and bras for that fucking jersey that reveals every single seam. We all went to bra university when we were 12 to learn these things.
6. Yes, there is such a thing as bra university. Why do you keep questioning me?
7. No, we can’t lie on our tummies. Not if we’re bigger than a C-cup. And yes, we do want to lie on our tummies. Desperately. If I lay on my tummy, my right bewb would poke out my left eye. I hope you feel guilty now.
8. Just because we like you to touch them, doesn’t mean we like you to fuck them. “Oh god oh god I need my cleavage touched immediately oh god” said no woman ever.
9. Nipples are neurological marvels that are directly connected to your elbows and your left toe. If you put a clamp on them, her eyebrow will feel like a clit.
10. Just me, then? Right.
11. Shopping for bras is hard, guy. So hard. There is a cup size and a band size, but if you have a specialty cup size, your band size changes completely, but only if you’re a DD cup. If you’re a D cup, your band size will be standard. Look, I’m just reading this off a website because I literally don’t know how bra sizes work. I have no idea, but sure, you can estimate your girlfriend’s bra size. I’m sure you’ll be madly successful at this endeavour.