Open-Minded? Us? Nuh-Uh

Fetlife can be like a giant catfight at times, and when drama strikes, it’s never long before someone shows up to say, “We’re supposed to be more accepting and open minded than this because we’re the kink community.” That’s a conflation of what our open-mindedness actually looks like.

The 2013 study of BDSM practitioners found that we were more open minded about unusual and unconventional sexual behaviours. We were not more open-minded about conventional ones. Our liberal thinking is reserved for kink. That doesn’t make us more open to differences of opinion and personality.

We're not special and different just because of the way we fuck. The way we fuck is just special and different.

That study found that every part of the D/s equation came with its own deficits. Switches and subs were more conscientious and self-disciplined than vanillas, but dominants were less agreeable, more domineering and colder than all the other groups. Subs were more extroverted and easy going, but we were also more prone to histrionics. Dominants were not.

Overall, the researchers concluded that BDSM was not pathological. We’re just ordinary people who like extraordinary sex. We’re pretty happy, but we have higher incidences of some mental illnesses than vanillas do. Some studies show we have more narcissists among us than the vanilla world does, and a pretty big survey found higher levels of histrionic behaviour in our community.

It also found that we were more likely to become victims of harassment and violence than vanillas were. Susan Wright’s old study told us that 30% of subs in the kink scene had had their consent violated at least once. Our kinks are not always healthy. Some of us have paraphilic disorders, which come with these symptoms:

· "A tendency to be overly inhibited or uncontrolled with emotions and behaviors."

· A lack of self-awareness, trouble managing emotions, and in seeking help and comfort from others.

· Preoccupation to the point of obsessiveness

· Depression or anxiety that is temporarily relieved by engaging in paraphilic behavior, thus leading to an addictive cycle.

One thing all those BDSM studieslisted at the Kinsey Institute

don’t say

is that we’re more accepting, open-minded, and friendly on a social level. We’re just not. We might even be meaner.