I Interpreted Men's Profile Details into Plain English

Slave trainer: Has been on Fetlife for five days and really wants to get laid.

Life coach: Has been on Fetlife for 10 days and is getting a bit clever, now.

Tantric practitioner: Has been on Fetlife for 30 days and is beginning to learn a few things.

Naked apartment landlord: Has been on Fetlife for three years and is starting to get desperate.

Has arranged this here munch: Has been on Fetlife for five years and has realised he’s never going to get laid, so he might as well get to know the locals.

Rope photos: Is seriously sexy and has decided to get together with SpanishRed and have zero babies.

Beautiful photographs: Is even sexier than the last guy.

Stuff about yonis and lingams: My yoni is an atheist, but namaste, I guess.

Sydney University copyright warning: Knows how to tell you he’s not a skeptic without saying he’s not a skeptic. Requires a tinfoil hat in the shape of a minion with googly eyes and everything.

A cock shot avatar: Roaming personals ad.

Album full of cock shots: Enthusiastic personals ad.

One cock shot dressed in a teeny suit with the Googly eyes: Is seriously sexy and about to get together with Red after she divorces the last guy and the guy before that.

Words like “tenuous” and “obdurate”: Less sexy than a cock shot in a suit, but sexier than beautiful photographs. How many times can you legally get divorced in one day?

Belongs to “The Real Gentlemen of Fetlife”: Will definitely not treat you like a gentleman.

Has the length of his cock in his username: See, this is how men try to confuse us. 50% of men with cock dimensions in their username have a razor-sharp sense of irony, and the other 50% are dicks. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE FUCKETY FUCK? You make dating hard.

Hard. LOL.

Puns: 50% of men who tell dad jokes are awesome dads, and the other 50% are dicks with penis dimensions in their usernames. You’re just trying to convince me to use another pun.