Being Friends with Exes (Early Access Post)

Fossil records have revealed that in vanilla society they have a cultural tradition called, “Being Friends with Exes.” As a Totally Legit Anthropologist, I consulted The Spirit of Ex boyfriends Past to ask if I could “Being Friends with Exes” with my ex-dom. The spirits said, “Not a fuck.”

If I ran into him at a cupcake table, I would not be looking at the cupcakes. I probably wouldn’t even be able to look him in the eye. My Power-Bitch shell would dissolve, and I would be instantly bound in imaginary ropes. Once a good dom, always a good dom. That’s what I always say. Do you know what else I always say? That I would immediately bash a good ex dom over the head with my club and drag him to my Woman Cave for sex. I researched the cultural traditions of vanilla society, and apparently they don’t consider that “Being Friends with Exes.”

There are two kinds of sub space.

1. Floating in a sinful amount of sexual energy until you can’t practice legit anthropology or anything.

2. Running into an ex dom and immediately returning to your subly brain space. This dom has a special kind of power over you, so you melt all over the floor like butter and lose the capacity to speak in real sentences.

Now, if you leave a vanilla relationship and try to be friends, you don’t have to worry about melting all over the floor. Your whole skeleton will remain intact, and you will feel nothing worse than torturous, traumatic, earth-shattering loss. You’ll go home and cry, but you will do so in an upright position with all your bones where they’re meant to be.

This is not the case with kink relationships. If your dom didn’t treat you with abject contempt, you always have a tiny spark in your heart that turns into fireworks in his presence. And then you melt, and people use you to butter their pasta.

I’ve been writing on Fetlife—I mean been a legit anthropologist long enough to know that you’re all going to tell me I’m wrong in the comments. Some of you have not melted in the presence of a good ex dom. Some of you are badass enough to “Be Friends with Kinky Exes.” As an anthropologist, I have scientifically concluded that none of you are normal, so you don’t get a spot in this post.

I’ve also been a legit anthropologist long enough to know many of you are thinking, “You’re meant to butter your pasta?” Yes, that is correct. You are. Try it. Now you owe me cupcakes.