When a Man Leaves You in Increments

He left me in increments. First went his morning texts. Next went his Saturday night visits; then that old, exhausted smile that came after sex. Every absence fed a new insecurity in me. I knew he was half gone. I just couldn’t define the distance because there was no dramatic door slamming to make it permanent. One grand gesture would have required him to commit to my absence, and he was as commitment-phobic about leaving as he was about staying.

Our last months together were a series of retractions. He took back our weekday dates and the flowers he used to pick on the way to my door. He withdrew his kisses and dismissed every request for an explanation.

There was no leaving. There was no pain.

His absences were just in my imagination, he said, so I slowly learned to doubt my own grasp of reality.

When a man leaves you slowly, the duration of his abandonment is fraught with doubt. You’re not single, but you’re not involved in a relationship either. You’re not loved, but you’re not unloved. You're in purgatory, and there will be no closure until he leaves for good.

That can take months. Hell, sometimes, they leave for years.

The lack of finality was maddening. I became obsessively aware of every choice he made, as though if I just paid enough attention, I could read his mind. I drowned in retracted kisses and cancellations, never knowing enough to understand my own relationship status. I wanted him to tell me why…

… but that was the one thing he just wouldn’t give me.

When a man leaves you in one dramatic conversation, he gives you the luxury of closure. It’s rarely easy, but it’s always easier than being left in small, indecipherable steps. You don’t get to cry over the loss of someone you still have. Your tears are blocked by your own doubt; your own infernal question about why it feels as though he’s never really there?

My sense of peace left me in increments, too. First went my control over my life. Next went the pleasure I took from a walk on the beach, a visit with friends, a perfect cup of coffee. I began to hate myself for my own uncertainty. God, I could be so insecure sometimes. I really need to work on my self-esteem.

He left eventually, spreading our relationship out in front of me like a silk scarf. Finally, I could see the reasons behind all our arguments and why I’d felt so much doubt. I could regain my trust in my own perceptions and cry all the tears he’d denied me for months.

When a man leaves you in increments, you forget what you deserve. You’re so caught up in his small abandonments that you lose sight of the fact that you’re worth more than this. You deserve a man who’s present—one who wants all the kisses and the long, sexy weekends and the sweet Monday morning texts.

When a man leaves you in increments, you forget that you can shut the door all by yourself.