Never Try to Be a Good Sub if You're With a Bad Dominant

Breathplay is life-threatening at the best of times, but with my epilepsy, the absence of oxygen is the fastest way to cause a seizure, so it was the first hard limit I mentioned to J.

The first time we played, he shoved his cock down my throat and held my head down with all his strength for what felt like forever. With no capacity to safeword, no safe signal arranged, and no ability to communicate, I was helpless.

I’m a sub. Defending my limits against a satisfied top is like trying to breathe under water, so I invented enough rationalisations to fuel a science fair: It wasn't that bad. I came out the other side with my health intact, and besides, I wanted to make him happy. Instead of reminding him of my limit, I suggested a safe gesture.

He never found the time to discuss it further, and he’s not alone. Over the years, other tops have struck my kidneys, hit my coccyx, and left me unattended in bondage. In each of those scenarios, I tried to communicate my concerns lightly so as not to hurt the feelings of my partners. I always put their fun above my safety, and that’s a decision no sub should ever get the chance to make.

I've left the trauma of those incidents largely unexplored. I've always strived to give my tops as much as I could bear. I've paid heavily for that, not just in terms of physical harm, but emotional distress as well.

As someone who's been there, this is my advice to new bottoms. Be a bad sub because your peace of mind matters. Be a bad sub because you matter. Be a bad sub because nobody will ever look after your well-being as well as you can. Hell, be the crappiest sub you can be. Tell your D-type to go to hell if he steps over your boundaries. Don't just be a brat. Be subversive. Fuck submission. Fuck pleasing.

Save the good sub routine for someone who's proven they're a good dominant.

Only a bad dominant will see you as a bad sub for defending your safety or defending your limits. Good dominants don't think in terms of good or bad subs, anyway. They think in terms of safe, happy subs, so they treasure your "noes". They cherish the fact that you guard your limits. They value your self-knowledge around the play you can tolerate because they don't want to traumatize you. Good people don't want to cause lasting harm to the people they love. They don't want broken people, so they don’t break people.

The best sub to be when you have a bad dominant is a bad sub, so take pride in throwing your submission out the nearest window. There are thousands of amazing dominants looking for a "bad" sub like you because they think that's the best sub a person can be.