THE GOBLIN NEWSLETTER 85

I think of most political footballs as tar babies. If you aren’t familiar, The Tar Baby is an Uncle Remus story. Uncle Remus is a fictional character created by Raymond Chandler. Uncle Remus is a kindly old freedman (freed African-American slave) who tells a collection of folklore collected from Southern Black Americans, many of these stories survived from Africa & have correlatives there. The stories are intended to teach & entertain.

I am reprinting my version of the Tar Baby I wrote for PORK, 8 years ago.

The story goes like this - pausing to switch into vernacular - Long time ago, down South - Brer Rabbit had been evading Brer Fox who had been fixing to catch him, beat him, skin him, spit-roast him & eat him ever since he done laid eyes on his muscular body & bushy tail. Brer Fox was kind of a strange dude who lived just outsida town in a run-down shack, read Richie Rich comics & Soldier of Fortune magazine, smoked the scraggliest weed you ever saw, rolled his own, kept & ate pigeons & hung around with a big ol Bear who wasn’t too smart neither. On the other hand, Brer Rabbit was a happy go lucky, free as a bird, son of a bitch who skipped & hopped from house to house & never seemed to wear out his welcome & again - Brer Fox was just a twisted up, surly, hungry, punishing motherfucker! One day, tired of eating nasty old pigeons, Brer Fox came up with a new scheme to catch Brer Rabbit after he stepped on a tar ball & couldn’t get it out of his fur - had to cut it out with his straight razor. Brer Fox put it together like this: if he got a big old tar ball, he could catch Brer Rabbit all up in there & boy would he be stuck! Yessir! Brer Fox would use Brer Rabbit’s outgoing & sunny disposition against him! Early one morning, Brer Fox fashioned a little man out of hot black tar, with big button eyes, a cork for a nose, a floppy hat & a messy ol vest he found on the side of the road. Brer Fox had Brer Bear carefully take his Tar Baby out to an old stump that Brer Rabbit liked to sit on & hid nearby to watch what happened. As soon as the sun was in the perfect position, Brer Rabbit came hopping around the corner, singing a song without a care in the world. Brer Fox’s mouth started watering something terrible & the Tar Baby just sat there because that’s all it was capable of doing! Brer Rabbit spotted this strange fellow sitting on his stump, glistening in the sun & taking up space & tried to size him up but he wasn’t getting a clear signal from this Tar Baby. So Brer Rabbit says, “Howdy!” with his eyes sparkling & his biggest, smilingest mouth. The Tar Baby, not being alive said nothing & in fact, it sunk a little lower into isself as it warmed in the afternoon sun. Brer Rabbit had to slow his pace & follow the eyes of the Tar Baby as he come to a stop. Tar Baby just sits there. Brer Rabbit says a little more aggressively, angling his eyes in the angry position, “I SAID HOW-DEE!” The dust settling, Tar Baby doesn’t say nothing again. Brer Rabbit steps up to the Tar Baby, getting too close. Brer Fox is smiling ear to ear - his nasty little teeth sticking out this way & that - drool pouring from his jowls. Tar Baby doesn’t do nothing - just droops a little. Brer Rabbit is almost touching noses with the Tar Baby - Tar Baby doesn’t even break a sweat & his heart is beating as slow as molasses - Brer Rabbit is turning red with rage, huffing & puffing, stamping his feet. “If you don’t say HOWDY in three seconds - I’m going to turn you inside out!” Tar Baby is cold as ice. Brer Rabbit starts winding up his punch & counts, “1... 2... 3!” Brer Rabbit swings & he has never had his fist bounced & sucked at the same time & as he grabs the Tar Baby’s throat to land another punch - Brer Rabbit finds himself half stuck in the Tar Baby! Brer Rabbit kicks the Tar Baby in the stomach & he is completely tarred excepting his left foot but as he loses balance he disappears into that Tar Baby & it starts kicking & punching out & there is no way Brer Rabbit is going to get out of this tar. Brer Fox come out from behind the trees with the stupidest grin on his face - “Ha haaaaaaaa! I got you Brer Rabbit! I got you!” He wheezed. Brer Rabbit realizes he been had & he curses his sunny disposition & smiling voice while being suffocated by the tar. Brer Fox starts rubbing his hands together & brushing his hair & scratching his elbows in great anticipation. He walks back & forth slapping his forehead & skipping. Brer Fox calls over Brer Bear who has a gunnysack full of wood shavings & he picks up Brer Rabbit using an oily old rag & roughly stuffs him in that gunnysack. Brer Fox cannot control hisself & is dancing around Brer Bear using his fanciest moves. Brer Rabbit is thumped a dozen times & falls asleep in his tar sleeping bag. When he comes to - Brer Rabbit finds hisself mostly cleaned of tar, naked as the day he was born, tied by his feet, dangling from a tree! Brer Fox & Brer Bear are tending to a big, black, steaming cauldron which is sitting on a hot, orange fire. Brer Fox spies Brer Rabbit coming to & hops over to him, licking his chops, hiccuping, his hair all on end, electrified with anticipation! Brer Rabbit knows his goose or hisself is cooked if he don’t figure out a way to outsmart Brer Fox right away. Luckily, Brer Fox ain’t too smart. Brer Fox slaps his hands together & says, slobbering, “Boy! I got you now & there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it! Brer Rabbit - I’s gonna toss you in that old cauldron & boil the hair & skin right off yo body! Then - me & Brer Bear - we’s gonna eat you until you’s nothin’ but bones!” he says, licking his teeth one by one. Brer Rabbit spies a thorny thicket just down the hill - makes his saddest, most panicked face & cries out, “Brer Fox - you got me - you did it - & I guess youse gonna put me in that old, black pot & boil my skin until it loosens & my hair falls out & I’s just a mess of muscle & sinew - but whatever you do - don’t throw me in that Briar Patch!” Brer Fox doesn’t hear the content of what Brer Rabbit says, only the panicked tone & he feels so big & strong - he stands back to admire his handiwork agin’. “Boy! I been dying to cook you & eat you ever since we first met - yessir!” He stamps with authority. Brer Rabbit looks Brer Fox straight in the eye, “I cannot argue with you about my deliciousness Mr. Fox - I would eat myself if I could, drop myself in that boiling water & watch my eyes pop - I cannot argue wit dat! Do whatever you want to me, but whatever you do - DON’T throw me in that old Briar Patch!” Brer Fox still ain’t listening to Brer Rabbit - he in his moment of glory & again - there ain’t that much room for thoughts in his furry old skull, he lookin’ off into the distance - smiling like an idiot. Brer Rabbit looks at Brer Bear who is picking his nose & scratching his butt - is these two too stupid to outsmart? Brer Rabbit tries again, “It is almost a relief to be scalded out of this earthly life in that old black cauldron - my achin’ bones is yearnin’ to be freed of all this tired out meat.” Brer Bear looks at him, licks his lips, starts walking towards. Brer Fox sees Brer Bear angling for his prize & grabs Brer Rabbit by the ears. “Yessir - I can almost taste this here Brer Rabbit! Let’s get cookin’ Brer Bear!” Brer Rabbit looks Brer Fox in his eyes again - “Will you get this over with! I am about to have a heart attack from worrying about you throwing me in that old Briar Patch. Can’t you see those old animal skins & animal bones scattered around there - those thorns can tear a critter into pieces!” Brer Fox hears Brer Rabbit & looks over to the Briar Patch. “You afraid of that old Briar Patch?” Thinking he has something new on Brer Rabbit - Brer Bear looks at the mess of thorny vines & remembers a time he got a patch of fur ripped out. Brer Rabbit says, “Look you dummies - drop me in the pot & get this over with! I’m done! You got me! Stop lookin’ at that Briar Patch & cook my rabbit tail!” Brer Fox gets an evil look in his eye & he say, “You afraid of that Briar Patch, boy?” & without a second thought he chucks Brer Rabbit deep into the thorny mess. Brer Bear’s mouth dropped - “I thought we was gonna eat Brer Rabbit!” Brer Fox stuck a pointy finger between Bear’s ribs & snarled, “The rabbit was more afraid of that Briar Patch than gettin’ boiled alive! I had to have some fun with him before we sucked the marrow out his bones!” Brer Bear smiled & nodded in agreement & the two waited to hear the screams of the terrified rabbit being torn to shreds by those thorny bushes. They didn’t hear nothing. “Shhhhh!” said Brer Fox slapping Brer Bear in the stomach... the early evening crickets had started singing their songs but aside from that it was as quiet as death. Brer Bear looked at Brer Fox, starting to get angry. “Did he explode?” said Brer Fox pulling at the hairs on his head. “Where’d he go?” Brer Bear clenched his fist & said, “Brer Fox - you done threw away my dinner - a dinner we been dreaming of ever since we knew it could be a dinner.” & with that he smashed Brer Fox in the head, knocking him into the ground & into slumberland. Deep in the Briar Patch, Brer Rabbit was holding his mouth trying not to be heard laughing. “You dummies - I was born & raised in the Briar Patch!”

The thing is, there is this enormous political football game going on that I begrudgingly participate in, because like the stock market it only partially represents the reality around us. These things are so gamified & artificial, that they only bear some representation of reality. There are some people that have bought into it so much that they can’t see that they are participating in such a game. That is to say, the tar has covered their eyes, they assume that everyone else is as invested in the game as them, even to talk this way secretly implies trying to win the game for the other side. LIke glitter, once it gets around you, it gets on everything, there is no escaping it. So what are observations of reality on my part get interpreted as political issues by whoever, whether they oppose it or support it, in their frenzy of identifying political footballs.