David's kosher salt

This has taken a while. I have wanted to say something on the Israel/Palestine situation since October 7, but I have been afraid, and unclear of my own feelings.

For context, I'm Jewish. Insofar as my mother is Jewish, and if that's the case then you're locked in the club for life. I don't observe anything to do with the Jewish faith. I am probably considered an ethnic Jew in that my bloodlines go back through Jewish people.

I'm 11 years old. We have Sky News at home, and I see Yitzhak Rabin assassinated. I don't know why, but I'm very upset by this. I have no perception of the importance Rabin played in the peace process. I don't even know what the peace process is. I understand very little of the Israel/Palestine conflict.

I'm a teenager. Every time there is news about conflict between Israel and Palestine I arbitrarily side with Israel. I think it's because I'm aware that I'm Jewish, but I do not practice anything in the Jewish faith. I understand very little of the Israel/Palestine conflict.

I'm at university, I've learned a wee bit about Israel through talking to some fellow Jews. They often speak proudly of the homeland and their right of return. Many have done a trip back and done military training with the IDF. My politics are nowhere near fully formed, I still supported Labour for Pete’s sake. I understand very little of the Israel/Palestine conflict,

Into my mid-twenties and I try to learn and understand more. I feel some kind of emotional tie to Israel, but I don't know why. I assume it's because I'm aware I'm Jewish. I often wonder if I'd feel that tie if I didn't know I was Jewish. Is there something hardcoded into my DNA to feel attached to Israel? Or is it purely an arbitrary association because I've been told I'm Jewish? I do not know. I continue to understand very little of the Israel/Palestine conflict.

It's 2011. We're planning for my wedding. My mother asks if we'll stamp on a wine glass. I say no. She is hurt. She thinks we should as a nod to my Jewish heritage. I don't want to for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I feel like it'd be more disrespectful to do it because I don't observe any other Jewish ritual or faith-based activity and it felt tokenistic to do just one thing. And secondly, my wife comes from an Anglican background, and we'd already agreed we wouldn't have any Jesus in the ceremony. I couldn't very well sneak in some Jewish shenanigans.

It's 2019. My grandma passes away aged 99. I'm in my mid-thirties. We fly to Melbourne for the Levayah. Except it's not a Levayah. We don't sit with grandma's body. We don't follow many of the rituals associated with death in a Jewish family. What even is Jewish faith if not to be observed? I wear a kippah for the service. The rabbi says the El Male Rachamim. I feel nothing.

It's 2022. Anti-semitism has definitely been on the rise. I keep my Twitter DMs open in case people want help or to share something with me and I don't follow them. I get a DM that I read while I'm stopped at a red light somewhere on SH1 as I drove to Auckland. The DM said that they were making a list of prominent Jews in New Zealand and that I was on it and that they'd find me. I had to pull over to recover. I feel scared.

It's October 7, 2023. Hamas has launched an horrific attack against Israel. Over 1000 civilians are murdered in the terrorist attack. I feel sad and confused. I still do not understand the Israel/Palestine conflict.

But I know one or two things. I know that events do not occur in a vacuum. I know that 1000 non-combatants being murdered is horrendous. I know that several hundred Israeli civilians being kidnapped is awful. I also know that Israel is not going to lie down and let that happen. Despite the fact that so many Palestinians have been taken and held. For decades.

Someone from Israel says that this is their 9/11 and I think they are far more accurate than they realised. That like 9/11 a bunch of innocents have died because of long-standing government policy. That Israel has marginalised and kept captive millions of Palestinians and displaced them from their homes for decades. I know that people don't just let that happen. I know that Netanyahu is a bad man and that the murder of over 1000 Israeli innocents will not go unpunished. I know that there is no justification for the murder of innocents. Just like there was no justification for the death of 2,977 in 9/11. But I know there is a reason why Hamas attacked, like I know the reason Al Qaeda attacked.

I also know that like 9/11, Israel had a choice in how it responded. That the US chose to overreact and attack countries that had little to do with the attacks. Despite the main funding of 9/11 coming from Saudi Arabia, it was Afghanistan and Iraq that were on the receiving end of the US' wrath. That millions of people died over 20 years to satisfy a bloodlust that didn't bring any of the 2,977 people back, and it destabilized a region seemingly forever.

Even Joe Biden said that Israel should learn from the mistakes the US made following 9/11. Israel has chosen not to. I have read that the bulk of the leadership of Hamas live in Qatar. Israel is bombing the fuck out of Gaza. An effective camp where millions of people are trapped (I see this described as Palestinians being kept in a "prison", but a prison suggests that the people who live in it are guilty of something. I don't believe the Palestinians are guilty of anything).

The hospital became something I obsessed over. I felt like I needed to know who did it. I initially assumed it was the IDF. They have form. I remember the journalist who was sniped last year. The IDF denied it happened, then said if it did happen, it must've been a Palestinian who did it, then several months later they conceded they did it. Surely this must've been them again. But then I saw people who I thought were independent posting pretty compelling evidence for how it must've been a misfired rocket from the Palestinian Jihadist group. I saw people from both sides being absolutely certain who did it. I didn't know how they could be so certain. I have never seen propaganda play out in real time like this. I was confused. I felt disoriented. I have never experienced a confusion like that. Was it because I'm Jewish that I wasn't just wholly sure it was the IDF who had blown up the hospital? I kept asking myself why. I didn't have the answer. Why did it matter so much who did it? Dead innocents are dead innocents no matter which side. I was obsessed.

Then I would read news stories about some wild anti-semitic attack. The plane attack in Dagestan scared the fuck out of me. It felt like bad-faith actors were using this outpouring of support for the people of Palestine to drum up anti-semitism. Being anti-Israel's government is not the same as anti-semitism and we need people to stop pretending it is.

I have never been concerned about anti-semitism in New Zealand, but now I am.

I feel scared.

I have tweeted my support for the Palestinian people. I have also tweeted out my fear for anti-Zionist Jews who are being attacked too. I have been attacked by both sides of this for not being "enough" on one side or the other. I have been told that some of my comments have made people in the Jewish community "sad". I don't really know why. Am I supposed to give a full-throated defence of the death of thousands of innocents because a terrorist organisation attacked a group of people that I have a connection to through lineage?

I see western governments all saying they stand with Israel. And that Israel has a right to defend itself. But this seems to imply that Palestine doesn't have a right to defend itself? I know that the Hamas attack on October 7 is terrible, and people must be held to account. But thousands of innocent lives? Refugee camps? Hospitals? They should not be targets. Even if Hamas is using "human shields" like Israel claims.

If someone broke into your house and took your child hostage, then the police showed up with their guns drawn but the hostage taker wouldn't release your child and the police just shot your child so they could get at the hostage taker, you'd be pretty upset. If the police just shrugged and said "sorry, he was using your kid as a human shield, that's why we did it". It wouldn't really placate you, would it? It's not a fucking reason to kill innocent people.

There are marches in the street. Both sides are mobilising. For what, I do not know. The world feels so fragile. I am scared for the world. I am scared for oppressed people. I am scared for my people. I am scared for my family.

I understand very little of the Israel/Palestine conflict, and it seems like most don't.