Deep Leffen Goes to Court: Part IV

This is part 4 in an ongoing series. See part 3 here.

In the last episode:

hungrybox executed a mini pop-off, prematurely celebrating the implication of myles' comment. 2 of the jurors immediately burst into flames, exploding on contact. the judge asked hungrybox to please refrain from pop-offs until a verdict is reached.

hungrybox cleared his throat and said, "myles, when leff put you in the water to teach you some 'life lessons', what exactly were those lessons?"

myles responded, "leff taught me that all strong fighters can tread water for six consecutive days. he told me that real fighters can only be killed by ghosts, and that the only thing I have to fear in the dark void of the ocean is fear itself (and ghosts). leff said that ghosts enter your body through your butt hole and that capital-F Fighters keep their butts clenched even while treading water and sleeping." i looked back at myles. i saw the telltale signs of strain under pressure. it was the look of someone who was struggling to keep his butt clenched in the middle of testimony. i couldn't help but see myself as a father figure for myles -- one who parented through tough love, but nevertheless hated their idiot child.

hungrybox continued questioning, "myles, if you could... please state your name for the court"

"the name's robert, but you can call me Magic Myles", myles replied.

"thank you, robert. and how long were you underwater?", hungybox questioned.

"almost six days," myles replied.

i beamed with pride. six days was exactly the amount of time necessary to become a fighter according to a forum post i found on the internet.

the jury was shocked that someone could endure such a long submersion without dying. "since when is the killing of your loved ones a life lesson?", one juror asked rhetorically. "how do we know myles isn't a ghost?" another juror replied. the smouldering ashes of two other jurors seemed to be preparing a statement, but it was later discovered to be a fart from Juror #2.

hungrybox momentarily mimed being a conductor in an orchestra in preparation for his next question. he asked, "and what did you learn from all this?"

myles leaned into the mic and whispered, "not a god damn thing"

the courtroom briefly fainted. "MYLES," i shout, "YOU'RE AS GOOD AS DEAD" i lunge at myles, but he's too fast. myles runs to the back of the courtroom, where he is protected by security guards. "i just wanted to thank myles for his testimony, that's all", i pleaded with the security guards. i made eye contact with myles and did a friendly "i'll kill you" throat-slitting gesture so myles understood that we were still friends.

hungrybox dominated the courtroom with his presence, "so it seems like leff taught myles to run from his fears instead of facing them? i can appreciate that." hungrybox expected applause. no applause was delivered.

armada approached me and whispered, "leif, i'm tellin ya this ain't gonna end well. you mean a lot to me as a friend, but you're guilty as shit. you know it and i know it. and i know what the jury's thinking, they're thinking, 'this guy needs to fry.'"

i pat armada on the back and say, "you're an amazing friend and an even better barrister, armada. i will never forget this."

armada clears his throat and says, "i'd like to call my first witness to the stand." he glanced at me and winked. i knew what was coming, and it was going to be brilliant.