October Q&A with Patrons

This is part 1 in a monthly Q&A with Patrons. Any Patron at the $9.00 tier or higher can ask DeepLeffen a question of their choosing. What follows is a list of the questions submitted in September by Patrons along with the curated DeepLeffen responses. 

Q: What tournament is Deep Leffen most proud of?

A: The tournament I'm most proud of is "Hungrybox's Graveyard Jamboree" which Hungrybox made me attend instead of my father's funeral. Hungrybox placed some CRT televisions in the shape of a pentagon and executed a few inspirational pop-offs to launch the tournament. He usually saves those for tournament victories, however, this was a special occasion and he felt that nobody would be harmed by his gesticulations. He was wrong. 400 people in a 20 mile radius of the pop-off instantly died. 

Grand Finals was a showdown between Moloch and a funeral director named "Charles" who happened to be in the area. Moloch won pretty decisively and was in a pretty cool mood the rest of the day. Moloch did have to sacrifice Charles, though. 

Q: It's you, Mew2King, and Hungrybox stranded on a desert island. You can bring three things with you, what do you bring?

A: I need only the warmth of their bodies and the protein it will provide.

Q: What is your worst tournament performance?

A: In March 1983, I got lost en route to a tournament and ended up drowning in a pool.

Q: What are the hardest jobs in America? 

A: Hardest Jobs in America: 1. Coal Miner; 2. Suicide Bomber; 3. Suicide Bomber's Wife; 4. ISIS Recruiter; 5. Professional Fixer-Upper; 6. Baby Seal; 7.  Stay-at-home Mom; 8. Director of ISIS (In Iraq); 9. ISIS' "Cool Dude in San Francisco" Award Recipient; 10. "First-Class Man"; 11. Santa Clause; 12. Homeless Santa Clause; 13. Video Game Streamer; 14. ISIS' Chief of Chemical Warfare; 15.  Self-Described "Racist"; 16. Danish Nurse living in Syria; 17. Kayaker; 18. Terrorist Tour Guide; 19. John McCain; 20. Public Masturbator

Q: Are spiders human beings?

A: No. They’re much smaller.

Q: Are spiders fighting against the hegemony of human beings?

A: Not that we know of. They’re pretty passive creatures. Although of course at one point in the 1960s one spider named "Grayson" became fully sentient. He was killed before anybody realized it.

Q: A train is barreling towards a Sonic and Ness co-main. You can divert the train to track 2 where you have jokingly tied your bracket demon. There is also a fat man on a bridge who you have every reason to believe is a kind and loving man. How swiftly do you kill him?  

A: In these kind of situations, I have to ask myself: "What would Jesus do?" I would then proceed to walk on water and hope that my bracket demon appreciates my schmovement.