Hard Digest September 8: Early Access Black Metal, Snapcase, Flight Attendants, and More

Black Metal Vocalist Moonlighting as Face Painter “Ruins” Elementary School’s Play Day

By Alfred Barnes

BALTIMORE — Black metal vocalist Ben “Plaguebearer” Rockwood wreaked havoc during Wincrest Elementary’s recent Play Day following questionable face paintings he gave to the children, confirmed angered parents.

“It’s ridiculous—when your child sits down and asks to get their face painted, you expect them to walk away with one of the classics—a Spiderman mask, butterfly wings, a snake—not some ghostly devil mask,” said concerned parent Susan Winters. “My daughter hasn’t been the same since. She’s been drawing pentagrams in her agenda book and dyed her favorite doll’s hair black! To make matters worse, we can’t even take her to church to repent because she keeps sneaking matches in with her.”

Rockwood, known primarily for being the frontman of local black metal outfit Plague Rat, contends that face painting is about more than familiar imagery and fun.

“For too long the art of face painting has been marred by a sick cacophony of capitalistic influence and vibrant colors not seen in nature,” Rockwood lamented. “I’m an artist and corpse paint is the truth. When a kid sits in my chair, I bring their inner turmoil to the surface with shades of black and white—even if they say they just want to look like a Ninja Turtle or whatever. You can’t truly live until you look dead and, whether they know it or not, they’re walking away looking like themselves for the first time ever.”

Wincrest vice principal Vivian Brock has since made it clear that this is an isolated incident and not indicative of any changes in the school’s educational ideology.

“Parents have absolutely nothing to worry about,” Brock insisted. “This individual’s actions do not represent who we are at Wincrest. Our school will continue to adhere to the longstanding tradition of sneaking Christian messages into education and avoiding anything that challenges the status quo. We have even revamped our vetting process for entertainers to ensure wholesome fun for upcoming events. Students can expect nothing but unicorns and spiderwebs from all upcoming face painters!”

At press time, Rockwood was banned from face painting at future school events, but has recently been seen working birthday parties and quinceañeras in the community.

How To Love Your Man Even Though He’ll Never Be the Snare Sound From Snapcase’s “Caboose”

By John Danek

Relationships are emotional journeys with peaks and valleys. And one of the toughest valleys you may endure is the realization that your man can never be as exciting, passionate, urgent, nor commanding as the unique metallic snare sound on Snapcase’s legendary track “Caboose.”

Many people hit this stumbling block a year or two into a relationship. They look at that sack of shit on the couch next to them and yearn to be sucked off by the thick, cracking drum tone that makes one’s heart race. But to be fair, it’s a lofty expectation that no man can reach. You need to dig deep within yourself and find ways to love that sack of shit regardless. So here are some tips.

Set the text tone for your loser human to one of the really clean snare hits on “Caboose”. The opening hit has no other instruments playing over it, so go with that one. You may start to build a positive association between that sound and your piece of shit lover. But beware that this could backfire. If you really hate your lover, you could create a negative association with drummer Timothy Redmond’s signature sound — a fate worse than death.

While having sex, imagine you are getting plowed by that glorious burst of wood and drumhead energy instead of a human male. This is personal and subjective, so we’ll leave the imagery to you. Just don’t open your eyes, or you’ll remember that you’re actually fucking a deeply average guy with no hopes of career progression. The snare from “Caboose” is now CEO of Eating Ass, Inc.

Try to make your man more like the snare tone. Take him camping and make him chop wood with a metal axe on an anvil. Anytime he misses, gaze at him longingly and ask “What was that, babe?” Or have him roleplay with a metal suit of armor, and push him down the stairs. That clanging may just be enough to light the spark in your loins.

When all else fails, just leave your man for the sound of the snare drum in Snapcase’s “Caboose.” Stop lying to yourself. You’ll never be really happy until you get what you want. We know a spiritual healer who will perform the ceremony, which is not legally binding but expensive enough to feel like you’re really investing in the relationship. May your children have girth, top-end bite, and solid maple crack.

Punk Flight Attendant Gives Mic to Front Row Passengers During Pre-Flight Announcements

By Scott Murray

DENVER — Local flight attendant and longtime punk Jules Green held out the mic to a front row passenger during pre-flight announcements for United Airlines flight 362 out of Denver International Airport, confirmed sources.

“At first I didn’t think they were feeling it, but I dug deep, wrapped the cord around my fist, and won the room over eventually with crowd participation. You know, like handing the mic over to them and asking for any requests for pre-flight instructions,” said Green, dodging a stink eye from the captain. “Afterwards, they all cheered and a bunch of folks stopped me to say they enjoyed my set! I told them I’d be in the back the rest of the flight smoking cigarettes if they wanted to chat or grab a CD later. This must be what GG Allin felt like when he took a dump on stage.”

The sound of crunched up vocals over a 10-cent speaker really sparked enthusiasm from the crowd.

“I was settling into my seat as the safety briefing began. I guess I was muttering along to the spiel, because suddenly, a flight attendant shoved the PA handset right in my face. At that moment, something took over me,” said passenger Sherry Mason. “I’ve flown a lot, so I definitely knew the words. Before I knew it I was standing at the bulkhead yelling ‘Thank you for choosing United Airlines and enjoy your flight!’ It was a rush.”

Seasoned U.S. Air Marshal Warren Burleson was blown away by the performance.

“As an Air Marshal you’re trained to stay vigilant, but day after day you get sick of uninspired renditions of the standards. It was great to see the next generation do that tune justice for once,” Burleson admitted. “I really didn’t want to blow my cover, but when I saw the flight attendant trying to crowd surf over the seatbacks I shot up out of my seat to help catch her. It’s nice to see real air travel fans enjoying themselves, but it’s still important to be safe.”

At press time, Green was seen starting a mosh pit near row 26 during routine turbulence.

New Call of Duty Adds Trash Collecting Game Mode

BY Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — Treyarch announced a new game mode called “Street Cleaning” for their upcoming title, Call of Duty: Black Ops 7.

“With Street Cleaning, we bring Call of Duty into the future of modern combat,” said Assistant Director Mav Quinn, as game footage behind him depicted a member of the National Guard picking up a Pepsi can and placing it in a waste bag. “Two teams will enter, only one will lift their fists into the air victorious, after cleaning up the most litter. Street Cleaning will be available on all sixteen multiplayer maps at launch, including a brand new, trash-filled version of Nuke Town!”

After waiting for the applause from mentioning Nuke Town to die down, Quinn shared an exciting partnership coming to COD: BO7 to celebrate the new game mode. 

“We’ve been circling them for a few awhile now, but I am excited to announce that we’ve finally secured a partnership with Hefty, the nation’s leading trash bag company,” Quinn said, before asking event attendees to look under their seat for a special package of Hefty Trash bags featuring the Call of Duty logo on them. “We are not only sending you home with the Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 Hefty Trash Bags. It is my pleasure to announce that every bag in-game will be a Hefty Trash Bag, guaranteed to never break or leak when taking out the trash.”

Not to be outdone, Battlefield Studios announced that Battlefield 6 would have a similar game mode when it launches on October 10.

“In partnership with Glad, we are happy to announce our ‘Threat Contained’ game mode,” said BF6 Lead Director, Kyle Clark in a YouTube video posted in response to COD: BO7’s new game mode announcement. “In Threat Contained, players will round up unhoused individuals around each map and throw them into a bus. The team with the most unhoused NPCs at the end of each round wins. Teams can also score bonus points for picking up litter and battling it out with NPC protestors.”

At press time, both Quinn and Clark confirmed that they would be supporting the new game modes for years to come by adding new maps based on heavily Democratic-leaning cities such as Los Angeles and Chicago.