Hard Digest September 6: Early Access Paula Abdul, Substack, and Alligator Alcatraz

Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat Awarded Nobel Prize in Physics for Their Groundbreaking Work In How Opposites Attract

By Mike Maher

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Iconic ‘80s pop duo Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat were awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for their trailblazing work in proving opposites attract, sources confirmed.

“Most people know me as a two-time Grammy award-winning singer and dancer. Or the ex-wife of Emilio Estevez from ‘Young Guns II.’ Or that judge on American Idol who’s always hopped up on pain meds,” Abdul said. “So it’s truly rewarding to be finally recognized for my real life’s passion: bringing French engineer and physicist Charles-Augustin de Coulomb’s Law of Electromagnetism to the masses through a fictosexual relationship with an animated rapping cat. I mean, who knew the force of attraction or repulsion determined by the amount of charge and distance between charges could be so damn catchy?! The esteemed Nobel committee members and the 60 million people who bought my albums, that’s who knew, bitches.”

The award couldn’t have come at a better time for Abdul’s less successful half, MC Skat Kat.

“Man, I really needed a win,” Skat Kat said while stuck in a tree waiting for the fire department. “I don’t know jack about physics, but I do know opposites weren’t the only thing MC Skat Kat was attracted to. Booze. Pills. Loose women. I lost 8 of my 9 lives during those years. But look at me now, ma! Top of the science world! I really want to thank my fans, Jesus Chirst his Lord and Savior, my sponsor, and especially the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences for giving me an advance on my prize money so I could settle some unpaid debts down at the dog track.”

Veteran Nobel committee judge Ulf Carlsson explained how the final selection came down to more than just science.

“There were seismic breakthroughs this year in the fields of quantum computing, dark matter and AI. But nobody contributed more to the advancement of physics, dance pop and toonophilia than MC Skat Kat and my homegirl, Paula Abdul,” Carlsson said. “You really don’t need much more empirical evidence that opposites attract than a cartoon alley cat fucking a former Laker girl. And trust me. That ain’t fiction. It’s a natural, and now scientific, fact.”

At press time, Abdul was spotted canoodling with Particle Man from “Tiny Toons” and They Might be Giants fame.

Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack

By S.L. Neechski

If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own Substack. Sure, I don’t have a degree — or, for that matter, any formal training or education in any given subject—but what I do have is expertise in how to post and market my own ideas. See, Substack attracts its own experts because its users have a self-selection bias towards their own shared brilliance.

I mean, just setting up a Substack account takes a certain level of intelligence. You have to know how to enter your name and email address into the proper fields when you register, and you need the prerequisite knowledge of how to confirm the aforementioned email address.

Once you get past those hurdles, you get access to all of the illuminating genius your amateurish mind can handle. The real outside-the-box authorities — the ones who are doing literal galaxy-brained thinking — are on Substack. It’s a platform by the people, for the people. You won’t find discussions on the wisdom of Bill Cooper or Andrew Wakefield in newspapers. You can’t even use the phrase “official narrative of the Moon Landing” without being repudiated as a nutjob by Round-Earthers filled with vaccine microchips.

Speaking of hastily dismissed philosophers, the amount of flak that Substack gets for allowing Nazis is troublingly high. Some Nazis — the not-terrible ones — are political scholars, yet are censored by traditional media outlets. Substack isn’t just Nazis, though. It’s also for those who, to borrow from the literary genius Voltaire, disingenuously defend Nazis to the death, even if they disagree with them. I’m no fan of Hitler, but I’m willing to concede he had some good ideas, because being an expert requires an open mind.

In other words, you have to see both sides. Indeed, for the stated thesis to be valid, the opposite of it must also be valid: If I didn’t have a Substack, then I wouldn’t be an expert, and, therefore, I wouldn’t be able to properly label myself an expert on my nonexistent Substack. It’s a perfect circle of logic. Checkmate, sheeple.

Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”

By Adam Frost-Venrick

WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename so-called Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility,” confirmed sources.

“Ruth Bader Ginsburg, or RBG as she is known in my group chats, was nothing if not a foundational trailblazer in the pursuit of justice who has been memorialized in Etsy merch gift ideas,” said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer of New York. “​​While I don’t agree with the concept of Alligator Alcatraz personally, prisons are a part of the same justice system she worked her whole career to uphold. She’d be pleased by this, I think. It’s a good way to carry on the legacy she fought so hard to protect in her final years. Now when people think of immigrants being detained wrongfully in a detention facility, they’ll think of Ruth. We’ve done our part.”

The decision has also been embraced by Democratic voters.

“Nothing has seemed to go right since Justice Ginsburg died,” said registered Democrat Joyce Perriman, who was on her way to her local bee-keeping collective. “First we lost Roe v. Wade because the Democrats could do literally nothing to stop the Republicans. Then, Kamala lost because people got mad she was supporting the beautiful 51st state of Israel. Now Alligator Alcatraz. There’s just no decorum anymore. People getting deported in public spaces for all the world to see. I’ll say this, when Obama and Biden deported people, they did it with subtlety, in the dead of the night. That’s how it’s meant to be.”

This decision comes after a long bender of renaming sprees from the Democratic Party.

“We’re bringing decorum and civility back to some of America’s most criticized policies and establishments,” said Democrat Eric Swalwell of California’s 14th District. “Yay us! We’ve renamed the Border Wall the ‘Dianne Feinstein Memorial International Barrier’ to honor a legendary political figure, we’ve started calling our aide packages to Israel the ‘Harvey Milk Memorial Specials’ to honor a real queer rights icon and, of course, CECOT Prison is being renamed ‘the Harriet Tubman Honorary Indefinite Detention Facility.’ We couldn’t think of a more appropriate way to honor an American hero.”

At press time, Congressional Democrats were on hour 12 of their filibuster protest of the “Earl Warren Amendment For the Evisceration of the Temporarily Unhoused.”