Hard Digest September 1: Labor Day, Trump, Early Access Taylor Swift, Bosses, Weddings, and More

Amazon Announces Mandatory 22 Hour Warehouse Shifts to Commemorate Labor Day

By Ben Friedman

SEATTLE — Amazon surprised its warehouse staff throughout the country today with the announcement of a mandatory 22-hour warehouse shift to commemorate Labor Day, exhausted employees have confirmed.

“Labor Day honors the sacrifices made by workers for better pay, safety, and quality of life, and since our dedicated warehouse staff loves to bring that crap up constantly, we thought there’d be no better way to commemorate the day than forcing them all to work a 22-hour shift. Think of it as a team-building experience but with minimal breaks,” said warehouse manager Kelly Stanton. “They’ll get a few extra bucks in their paychecks, plus they’ll already be in the building for when their next shift starts. I mean it’s called Labor Day, why not get a little extra labor out of everyone so I can get a nice fat bonus come Q4?”

Warehouse staff were slow to embrace their employer’s interpretation of the holiday.

“We all just got a text from our boss to pop in for a Labor Day celebration, and the next thing we knew security was locking the doors from the outside and said we couldn’t leave until the holiday was over. You gotta help me, they confiscated our phones and I haven’t eaten in 15 hours,” said order picker Sheldon Wallace through six rows of barbed wire. “They even took our piss jugs away to ensure we’re ‘commemorating the holiday in the spirit of Amazon’s values’. Is this all because we asked for a dollar-an-hour raise? God, I’m beginning to forget what the sun looks like.”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos ruminated on the true meaning of Labor Day.

“Hmph. Another holiday for the peasants, how quaint. If they want a day off to feel good about celebrating the working class building this country then they can work somewhere which doesn’t share our ambition for controlling the world,” said Bezos. “They should feel lucky to work almost an entire day without stopping, as a testament to how much of their blood, sweat, and many tears drive shareholder value. They can have the day off to grill when I replace them all with robots, once the damned things stop self-terminating mid-shift.”

Amazon announced the Labor Day celebrations would continue with an involuntary 72 hour marathon viewing of anti-union training videos.

“Could a Dead Man Do THIS?!” Asks Trump Before Lying Down in Coffin Forever

By Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Trump showed off his physical prowess today in an attempt to dispel rumors about his failing health by climbing inside a coffin, where, “through sheer force of will,” he will remain for all eternity, sources confirmed.

“This is going to be the most alive you’ve ever seen a person, folks, that I can assure you. People are going to come up to my coffin, crying their eyes out and say ‘Wow, President Trump, you are so alive and it makes me want to have big beautiful babies and name them Donald.’ Can you believe that? Lots of people are saying Donald is the best baby name for boys and girls,” boasted Trump to reporters in a pre-recorded video played on a television next to the coffin before hoisting himself into the casket, where he will remain for all of time. “As I am about to demonstrate, I am not only alive, I am physically strong enough to keep my body perfectly still in this coffin from now until the end of creation. I won’t need to breathe or eat because of how perfectly still I will be being. I can’t wait to see how CNN spins this one!”

Press secretary Karoline Leavitt fielded all follow-up questions, meeting the understandably confused reporters’ inquiries with defensive hostility and caginess.

“I don’t know how many different ways I can say this to you people. As you can see, right in front of you, the President is lying in his eternal leadership place, healthy, happy, and protecting the rest of us from Nuremberg tribunals,” said Leavitt. “If he weren’t alive, how could he even make the decision to lie perfectly still in the coffin to begin with?! Not one of you has asked ‘Isn’t ICE doing a fantastic job out there?’ and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Donald Trump is alive, his uncle taught the Unabomber, and tariffs make us strong — get over it.”

Political analysts are torn by Trump’s move, with some praising it as a genius master stroke showcasing American Fortitude and others claiming it’s pretty clear he’s just dead.

“It’s pretty fucking clear he’s fucking dead.” said Fred Talbot, a professor of Political Science at Stanford. “What we’re seeing now from his inner circle is some bizarre, panic induced shared delusion. It’s obvious that the cult of Trump dies with Trump, and now this circus of uncharismatic yes men are shouldered with the blame for his many many crimes against the constitution. Even if just limited to the ones we know about these people are fucked, and you know there’s a shit-ton we don’t even know about yet so yeah, they’ve gone fucking insane.”

When reached for comment, a sullen JD Vance replied that he’s “not supposed to talk about that,” before ranting about how none of the other cabinet members are invited to his birthday anymore.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Announce They’re Expecting Baby Private Jet

By Peter Ferrarese

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — International pop star Taylor Swift and her fresh football fiancée Travis Kelce publicly announced that they are expecting the arrival of a baby private jet into their family this coming spring, confirmed sources.

“It’s just one major life update after another lately!” Swift offered while showing blueprints of the jet to be. “But it’s true, Travis and I are expecting. We’re so excited to welcome our little bundle of aeronautical joy into our lives and couldn’t be more excited for what lies in store for all three of us. He’s gonna have to get used to a lot of travel! And we’re going to have to get used to spoon-feeding him jet fuel and changing his dirty oil several times a day. But I’d say at this point in my life, I finally feel ready for it. We’re already picking out baby jet names too. Travis wants to go with PJ.”

Kelce appeared ecstatic despite feeling anxious about becoming a jet parent.

“The two of us really couldn’t be happier. I can’t wait to toss around the football with him,” said Kelce. “But we’re also preparing for the challenges that come with a new baby jet. There will be sleepless nights, constant maintenance, and we’re going to have to make changes to our lifestyle in order to adjust. It’s a responsibility that neither of us take lightly. Now, I did want to make another announcement. We recently went to our provider and found out that the jet is a Gulfstream G650.”

Swift and Kelce’s parents reacted extremely positively to the news.

“We just can’t believe it’s finally happening,” said mother Andrea Swift. “We never thought we’d see the day. We know she made the right choice with Travis, even though I’m more of a Cowboys fan. But this is going to put the two of them to the real test. If they can do it together and persevere, then they can do anything. I just hope Taylor is prepared for the postpartum depression that occurs after any 20,000-pound plane is welcomed into your life. Maybe she should read some self-help books about becoming first-time jet parents.”

At press time, Swift and Kelce were seen headed to the hangar near the closest airfield for the delivery of the jet.

Reverse T-Rex? My Boss Can Only See Employees When They’re Not Doing Anything

By Mark Shady

We learned everything we needed to know about dinosaurs from “Jurassic Park.” We learned that velociraptors are clever girls, that Wayne Knight could scream, “We’ve got Dodgson here!” and no one would care, and most importantly, that a T-Rex had vision based on movement only. But did you know there is an even more terrifying predator with the exact opposite impairment?

My boss will not acknowledge you in any way unless she sees that you are not working. At first I thought she was just a huge jerk, but it’s been so consistent I’ve begun to realize it’s an actual physiological condition. The woman literally cannot see you unless you are not actively working, and if you’re staying busy, you’re not in her field of vision. Just like a T-Rex, but in reverse. And it’s as stressful as it sounds.

What’s more, nobody on the staff told me when I first got hired. I’m sorry, that’s not something you just casually forget to mention! But I get it, HR probably knows if they warn people about something like that in the interview, it’s over.

After I had spent my first day training with the internet sales manager, Terry, I had a few moments where I was just sitting at my desk, absorbing everything I had learned, kind of just staring off into space, when she finally noticed me and introduced herself as the CEO. After, as she was walking away, she turned around and said, “You can tell Terry you’re here and start your training.” It was a little confusing.

It’s hard to believe that nature would produce such a strange adaptation. It doesn’t seem like only seeing people not moving is an evolutionary advantage. It’s certainly not an effective management strategy. Life finds a way, I guess.

The break room is where she seems to have most of her conversations, or want to talk about your work performance. Everyone understands her condition, but it makes it extra difficult to get a moment’s peace. And it’s a little passive-aggressive when she says the only time she sees you is in the break room doing nothing, when that’s literally the only time she can see you.

Apparently, the only employee she never sees is the janitor. I can’t tell you how many times she’s asked around to upper management, or even random employees, if we even have one.

There are, of course, ways to stay off her radar. A lot of employees have started putting plastic cups of water on their desks and then looking for that familiar “shimmer” in the liquid as her footsteps get closer. One staff member went a step further and put a rear-view mirror backwards on their desk to see her as she approached. If you see her in time, you just open a spreadsheet, and she’ll walk right by you.

Everyone’s just getting desperate now, so the gloves are off. Because after a year of her only seeing employees when they’re not working, she’s getting more relentless. It was rumored she’d had enough one day and just fired the accounting manager for taking a shit. Her reasoning was “All the guy does is shit!”

The staff has collectively come to the conclusion the only way to get her off our scent is to actually be productive. But we were so preoccupied with whether or not we could, we didn’t stop to think if we should.

Oh, she also has giant arms that come out of her back.

“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction

By Rachel Hein

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where the betrothed puts their romantic tales into a narrative format, left some scratching their heads and others hungry for more, confirmed sources.

“I remember it all a bit differently,” maid-of-honor Beth Boswell recalled upon reading her best friend Emma Stonewell’s “Our Story” page. “Right there in the beginning, the passage reads, ‘It began on a spring day on the lawn at Vanderbilt. The harsh bitterness of winter was thawing by the second, and with it also thawed Emma’s precarious heart as she watched Mitchell dive to catch a frisbee across the lawn.’ Yeah, this did not happen. I’m telling you. Emma was actually obsessed with this hockey guy at the time, Rick. He was 26, but still a Junior. She was getting railed by Rick every night, definitely not watching Mitchell’s ultimate games. This belongs in Simon and Schuster’s catalog, not this website.”

Stonewell’s sorority sister, Isabelle Grey, confirmed her infatuation with another suitor at the time.

“Her prose is beautiful, ‘Lifting his body off the warm earth, he used his bicep to wipe the sweat from his forehead, revealing a grass-stained elbow. She felt her cheeks flush red like cherries, and lowered her gaze, watching him. She knew in the moment. Reader, this was her husband,’” Grey dictated. “If only it were true. No shade to Mitchell. He had a delicate way about him when he played frisbee, like a ballerina. But Rick was shoving guys up against the glass in an arena every night, and that just really got Emma going. But I should say, I was left wanting more. Let’s hope Beth gets divorced and remarried, so she can put out more fiction work. She’s a natural.”

Janet Reilly, historical romance enthusiast and lover of TheKnot.com, noted that history can only truly be understood when completely fabricated, highly conventional stories or characters are placed within it.

“The way she wrote about how their love was forbidden by their families but ‘home’ for her now only existed in his arms, wow. It just dazzled me,” Reilly remarked with delight. “I always say, what better way to learn about the Titanic than through Rose and Jack? Who would care about that stupid ship if not for them? It doesn’t matter if it really happened. Nonetheless, it’s a good thing these two died before they had a chance to get engaged and write an ‘Our Story.’”

At press time, groom Mitchell Sawyer Brooks III confirmed he didn’t really have anything to do with the website, but would “def have to check it out sometime.”

Pizza Hut From Ninja Turtles II Arcade Now a Chase Bank

BY Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — One of the iconic Pizza Hut locations from 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game has officially been transformed into a Chase Bank, disappointed sources confirm. 

“We’ve just never had a tenable business model in this location,” former owner Dolores Hutchins lamented. “The Ninja Turtles are constantly walking left to right in front of the shop while fighting a constant stream of anonymous Foot Clan members. We’ve even had several instances of the bad guys setting fire to the interior of our restaurant before storming out to attack the Turtles. Customers have been afraid to step foot in this part of town, let alone enter a business that’s being terrorized by a gang of hoodlum teenagers. I honestly wish the best for this Chase Bank, but I can’t imagine they’re going to have better luck.”

Ninja Turtle Michelangelo was crestfallen at the news.

“What a total bummer, dude!” Michelangelo despaired. “Do you know how hungry I get from repeatedly flipping in the air before sharply turning downward in a gravity-defying kick, over and over again? Not to mention how much it takes out of me to get constantly punched by these Foot Clan geeks. I would always go back after defeating Rocksteady in April’s office to grab a pizza WITHOUT anchovies before heading out to the next stage. What am I going to do now, make a bank deposit?”

Video game expert Pamela Whitmore has seen this before.

“Businesses in video games are just as susceptible to market woes as they are in real life,” Whitmore explained. “Burger Shot in the Grand Theft Auto games almost went out of business when they refused to provide a plant-based alternative in Los Santos, and Umbrella Corporation is currently undergoing massive layoffs because of all the cuts to science we’re seeing under the Trump administration. We like to think of video games as an escape from reality, but unfortunately there’s no release from the capitalistic hell we’re subjected to on a daily basis.”

At press time, the Chase Bank had to close after Raphael threw a mouser through the front window.