Hard Digest August 30: Early Access Lamb of God, High School, and Yellowstone

Eh, Close Enough: Coworker Who Found Out You Like Death Metal Wants to Talk About Lamb of God

By Steve Packosky

DAYTON, Ohio — You settled for talking about Lamb of God with your coworker Nate Hollis after he heard you blasting Autopsy’s “Severed Survival” in the building parking lot, sources report.

“It was so exciting to find out I’m working with a fellow headbanger,” said Hollis. “I didn’t really recognize the band that was playing in his car, but they sounded pretty heavy, so I wanted to know if he had ever checked out Lamb of God. I’ve been listening to them for a couple years now, and I’m pretty sure they’re the best band metal has to offer right now. Aside from them, I’m really into bands like Slipknot and Five Finger Death Punch, and I love the new Metallica album ‘72 Seasons.’ I should ask him if he’s checked it out.”

You figured you might as well talk about Lamb of God with Hollis.

“Beggars can’t be choosers, man,” you said. “In a perfect world, I would find a coworker who wants to talk about the newest albums by bands like Phrenelith or Ulcerate, but that’s definitely wishful thinking, and anyway, I can shoot the shit about Lamb of God with this guy. I bought ‘Ashes of the Wake’ when I was in high school, and I remember enjoying it, so what the hell. I guess I remember enough about them to carry on a conversation, and I’m pretty sure I still have the song ‘As the Palaces Burn’ on an old Spotify workout playlist. Maybe I can get this guy into some actual death metal so I won’t be the only guy here who’s into that type of music.”

Sociologist Kendra Crendall provided her expertise on the situation.

“Death metal fans have a long history of settling when it comes to finding like-minded individuals in professional settings,” Crendall noted. “With such a niche style of music, the chances of finding a fellow fan are very near zero, so any subgenre that’s even remotely close should be seized upon. Frankly, you were very lucky finding a Lamb of God fan at your workplace. I’ve conducted numerous case studies of people starting conversations about bands like Poison and Ratt after seeing a coworker’s Immolation shirt. This is as good as it’s going to get for you, so you made the right move in indulging your coworker.”

At press time, Hollis had invited you to a Disturbed concert next week.

Well, Shit: This Douchebag Who Everyone Thought Peaked in High School Is Having a Successful Comeback in His 40s

By Stephen Bell

So I knew this total jagoff Kevin Kergis, who everyone was absolutely certain peaked in high school. Unfortunately, he’s been having a real renaissance in his 40s, and it’s really pissing everyone off. Honestly, the sick bastard has recently shown a lot of growth as an individual and it makes me want to retch.

It was pretty satisfying to see Kevin struggle with alcoholism after high school because of what a massive douchebag he was. He would show up to parties uninvited, drink all the booze, and bully people. He’d try to twist our nipples and say we were gay and that we actually liked it. We all looked forward to him dying a horrible death from cirrhosis, but instead, he started a non-profit to help recovering addicts and was featured on the local news. I’m feeling really blue balled by this outcome.

Kevin used to be like the big, angry football dude who thought being able to run the ball well made him a literal god or some shit. He’s now apparently all calm and capable of working through his anger issues. I heard his therapist helped him reconnect with his estranged wife. He’s also a good, supportive father. I saw him at the park the other day, actually hanging out with his children and playing ball and shit. I could’ve blown chunks into the duck pond with how freaking wholesome it was.

Apparently, his therapist told him he should reach out to some of the people he bullied in high school and apologize for the way he used to treat them. I mean, he seemed really sincere in his apology with an honest recounting of every bad thing he did. And he made no excuses about his previous behavior, coupled with an offer to make amends. I actually cried and hugged him; he was that moving, and now he has to die.

Anyway, me and the rest of the gang from high school heard that Kevin was going to be reading to children at the library, so we’re all going to go get liquored up and boo him. Maybe give him a wedgie.

New “Yellowstone” Spinoff to Be Shot Entirely Inside of Dodge Ram 3500 Longhorn

By Trevor Graham

​LOS ANGELES — Showrunners for the hit show “Yellowstone” announced that they are planning a new spinoff series that will take place entirely within a 2026 Dodge Ram 3500, sources who appreciate towing capacity confirmed.

“We’re really excited to announce our series will continue the trials and adventures of the Dutton family, and we’re especially excited that every scene will be centered around the rugged, yet dependable Dodge Ram 3500 Longhorn,” said the show’s creator, Taylor Sheridan. “The rich leather interior as well as the hands-free Apple CarPlay capabilities of the stylish new jewel in the Dodge Ram family will play a prominent role as our characters fight for their family’s legacy to keep control of their Montana ranch from outside corporate forces or whatever.”

Cole Hauser, who will reprise his role as Rip Wheeler, says that to prepare for the role in the new series, he used the new setting as inspiration.

“When Taylor first approached me about coming back as Rip, I was a little hesitant, especially since the whole show takes place inside a pickup,” said Hauser while behind the wheel of a polished truck. “But then I workshopped it a bit and came up with a way to use it in my preparation by saying to myself, ‘What would I do if I were a Montana ranch hand who received a large lump sum of cash from the Chrysler Corporation?’ and suddenly I got excited about the role.”

​Peacock executive Dana Scott says the streaming platform is looking for more opportunities to produce shows that are exclusively centered around a product from a corporate sponsor.

“Research shows us that most people who pay for streaming services just put shows on in the background while they browse on their phones, so we thought, why not lean into that and just produce shows that are fully just half-hour-long commercials,” said Scott. “For example, the next season of ‘Poker Face’ is just going to be Natasha Lyonne’s character playing BetMGM on her phone while occasionally saying ‘bullshit.’ Like, that’s it — that’s the whole show. Fuck it. It’s the only way I’m going to be able to keep my Malibu beach bungalow.”

At press time, reports from insiders indicate production on the new “Yellowstone” series had been paused due to the actors learning that the pickup truck was first on the call sheet.