Hard Digest August 29: Early Access Aerosmith, Jobs, Mocktails, and More

Escape Room Success Rate Jumps to 100% After Aerosmith Added to Background Music

By Steve Packosky

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — The success rate at escape room 7th Avenue Escapes increased to 100% after an Aerosmith playlist was added to its background music, distressed sources report.

“We made a new ‘Escape the 90s’ themed room because that type of nostalgia is all the rage now,” said owner Fernando Cruz. “We adorned the walls with ‘Home Alone’ and ‘Jurassic Park’ posters and incorporated Game Boys and Gak into the clues. It was pretty neat, but I think we missed the mark with the custom Aerosmith playlist, with songs like ‘Crazy’ and that one from ‘Armageddon.’ I should have known something was awry when the players started frantically escaping in a fraction of a time than they previously had, and they had the most sickened and horrified looks on their faces.”

Player Dawn Irvin gave her feedback on the experience shortly after shattering the previously held record.

“What sick fuck put that thing together?” Irvin gasped as she caught her breath. “At first I thought the room was kind of clever. We had to decipher clues to find the correct game cartridge, which then gave us riddles we had to solve after we put it in the Super Nintendo. However, it became evident that the themed music playing the entire time was only going to be Aerosmith. As soon as I figured that out, I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. I’m so happy to have escaped that hell. Had I been in there for another minute, I probably would have vomited all over the place and gotten hit with the cleanup cost.”

Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler didn’t seem to understand the issue with his music’s inclusion in the escape room.

“There’s nothing wrong with adding a little rock ‘n roll to an escape room,” Tyler noted. “The world always needs more Aerosmith in its amusement offerings, especially since our Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will be revamped to be Muppets themed next year. I always felt like people don’t hear our songs nearly enough on the radio or in movie soundtracks, so the larger presence we have in things like this, the better. I’m hoping to see our music included in more escape rooms going forward.”

At press time, Cruz was forced to remove the music after a safety regulator threatened to shutter 7th Avenue Escapes for placing a hazardous and unnecessary strain on customers.

Opinion: Connections Are Everything When You’re Looking To Land a Soul-Crushing, Time-Wasting Job

By Jeff Bender

Look, you’ve probably heard a lot about today’s job market and how difficult it is to “break in.” Some will tell you to get on LinkedIn, search for people whose qualifications match yours, and hope, just hope, that someone will DM you with a job offer. But even in this era of increasing digitization, nothing beats the personal, tried-and-true connection toward landing that dream job that will shatter your faith in humanity and rob you of all time and leisure.

Don’t get me wrong, I think a diversified attack is a good approach. But if you really want to go for your dream — by which I mean the nightmare that denies you of the pursuit of happiness — I find it best to mine the contacts that you already have in place.

Start with social media. Type in your desired industry — by “desired,” I mean the thing that will finally force you to surrender your free will and then literally kill you — into the Facebook search bar and see which of your friends’ friends or old classmates pop up. Scroll through to find which of these lackeys is posting photos of themselves on a boat with somebody else’s spouse, wielding an industry trophy with dead eyes, or hanging their arms around some colleagues with a smile that says, “What?! Who am I?! I didn’t want this!”

Message them. Remind them of your mutual acquaintances and social clubs. See if you can’t arrange a round of golf (you’re terrible), a latte (you’re lactose intolerant), or an evening of drunken karaoke (you hate Bon Jovi). They’re sure to get back to you immediately because they’re desperate to get away from the office to tell you how great it is. This is called “networking,” which is code for escaping the life they never wished for as a kid and, frankly, used to mock.

So when you’re panicked and confused, burdened by a mortgage and a tanning-bed subscription, it’s best to seek out other panicked and confused people who actually have jobs. Contact them today. Do it now! Don’t delay the chance to live out the dream that will make you want to die.

Mocktail Perfect For Man Who Doesn’t Want To Drink, But Still Wants To Spend $18

By Charles Bill

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local restaurant the Green Garden began serving mocktails which are perfect for the person who doesn’t want to drink, but still wants to spend $18, confirmed sources.

“I was feeling left out drinking an affordable diet Coke,” explained sober man Lawrence Wilkes. “All my friends were having a great time spending $22 at a time on espresso martinis and mezcal old fashioned drinks. I always felt excluded when it was time to close out our tabs and I’d only spent like $16 on food and they’d spent half their paychecks in one sitting. Thankfully there’s a way to feel like I partied hard too. Like, when we went to the Green Garden, I noticed they had a menu of mocktails. I think that is a portmanteau of mock and cocktail, but I would have to Google it to make sure. It was delicious, and it cost me as much as a burger without fries would have, so I felt good about it. I’ve just had way too much money on my hand ever since I quit boozing.”

The restaurant’s owners seemed to express consternation at the success of their new $18 glasses of sugar water.

“Look, we want to provide a good time for those who drink and those who don’t,” said Green Garden manager Ruth Peters. “I had the idea to add mocktails, a portmanteau of mock and cocktail by the way, to the menu. Most of the time there’s about 90 cents of juice and soda in each drink. We are making out like bandits. The biggest overhead on the mocktails comes from the ridiculous amount of dried fruit we put in them to make them look worth buying. It keeps me up at night how much money we are clearing on these things. Maybe capitalism was a mistake.”

Although the mocktails became immensely popular, not all customers felt the same enthusiasm as Wilkes.

“I wish Larry would just drink again,” said girlfriend of three years Dana Steward. “We go to Green Garden because they have delicious cocktails that get you fucked up. Larry quit booze a few months back and he’s been so boring since then. All he does is jigsaw puzzles and run 5ks. I want the man I fell in love with back. The same guy who shit in the bathroom wastebin thinking it was the toilet. Now all I have is some pussy who orders virgin daiquiris.”

At press time, the Green Garden bar staff was experimenting with a mocktail that was just water and grenadine that would require a loan to purchase.