Hard Digest August 28: Early Access Dogs, The Tolerant Left, Marquees, and More

Mental Health Walk Turns to Mental Health Sprint Thanks to Pack of Rabid Dogs

By Joe Rumrill

SPOKANE, Wash. — Local anxiety-sufferer Eno Patrice upped his attempt at his daily mental health walk to a mental health sprint after being chased by nine rabies-infected dogs, sources confirmed while running for their dear lives as well.

“Damn that therapist telling me that calming strolls would clear my head and lead to a more enriching life. You call this enriched? It makes me so mad I could rip everything to shreds with my own teeth! In fact, I’m gonna get started on that right now! Grrrrrr!” rasped Patrice, from within his quarantined space. “Once all my wounds heal, I stop my irrational fear of water, and I can start in-person sessions again, I just may bite that guy myself.”

The owner of the dangerous canines, local insane person Harley Toth, didn’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.

“Oh, that’s alright, they were just playing. The rabies just give them a little extra ‘oomph’ in the zoomies department, isn’t that right my sweet boys? Isn’t that right? Who’s got a sloppy foamy mouth and vicious glint in their eyes? You do! See? Such sweethearts,” said Toth, while making an infuriating hand flourish as if to say “you’re overreacting.” “At the end of the day, there’s really no harm done. My doggos got their exercise for the day, and he got the privilege of interacting with them. It’s win-win. If anything, I should be billing him for all the fun he got to have.”

Rabies specialists urged Patrice to focus on the upsides of infection.

“Not many people realize this, but the odd rabies infection here or there is actually a highly effective temporary cure for anxiety. One immediately stops caring about such trivial matters as their outward appearance, basic hygiene and legibility of their speech patterns, right off the bat,” offered Dr. Lamitow, while referring to her recently published book “Rabie Steps.” “Take this as a vacation from reality’s harsh plane of existence. As I say in my book, embrace rabid habits, and finally live life to the fullest. Just don’t get near me, please.”

At press time, trouble kept brewing when Patrice’s doctor’s office was revealed to be right next door to the veterinarian treating the rabid dogs.

So Much for the Tolerant Left: This Liberal Got Mad After I Slept With His Wife and Shit on His Lawn

By Bobby Korec

It’s a well-known fact that liberals refer to themselves as the “tolerant left” as evidenced by a meme I saw on Facebook. But if that was the case, how come my neighbor Kevin was not very understanding after I slept with his wife and took a dump on his lawn? Every single time that happens, their tolerance is nowhere to be found. If anything, he seems pretty livid right now.

Sure, by “slept with his wife” I mean begged her several times to sleep with me. Unfortunately, she rejected all of my advances to bone, so I did what any upstanding alpha male would do and snuck into their bedroom while they were having sex and sat in a chair in the corner to watch. I think they call that cucking someone. I cucked them real good.

After they caught me, they rudely kicked me out and threatened to call the cops, so I had no choice but to pinch a loaf on his lawn, but that was only because I was eight beers deep and Michelob Ultras always make me have to go potty. He should know that by now. And yet he still avoids eye contact when he sees me. It’s like the entire Democratic party has so little patience for their neighbors’ drunken shit locations.

And hey, If I’m going to crash my car into my “tolerant” neighbor’s begonia garden at two in the morning, he should at least have the decency to understand where I’m coming from. I’m pretty sure empathy is all liberals care about. As a registered Republican, I wouldn’t be caught dead empathizing.

Finally, I’m not going to reimburse Kevin for that time I cut down that tree in my yard, and it just so happened to fall on a portion of his house, either. And now he’s suing me. That’s pretty much the least tolerant thing a person can do. It’s like liberals have no self-awareness.

Venue Marquee Guy Praying King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard Never Tours With …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead

By Joe Rumrill

TEMPE, Ariz. — Local concert venue marquee-setter Kenan Vollick was overheard fretting about the possibility of the bands King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead ever doing a show together, sources confirmed, while counting the amount of letters that would be.

“Dude, I thought I had it bad when freaking They Might Be Giants burst on the scene. I didn’t know how breezy I had it back then! The thought of Gizzard and Trail of Dead ever joining forces literally keeps me up at night,” said Vollick, the man responsible for signage at Darkstar Tempe. “This venue isn’t prepared for the amount of letters that would take up. I’d have to start fashioning some out of old furniture and papier mache. I don’t have that kind of time and dedication, I just don’t! Doesn’t anyone appreciate brevity anymore? I’d kill for OK Go to tour with Yes. I’d be home in time for lunch that day.”

Vollick’s anxiety over the possibility has led him to pre-emptively seek out the aid of local construction professionals.

“Mr. Vollick brought us in to essentially triple the current size of the outdoor signage, should those two bands ever tour with each other. By the looks of these blueprints, she should be 93% marquee within the week. Basically a big sign with a bouncer in front of it is what we’re looking at,” said local contractor Hesseman Crest, as he dollied over one of the many giant letter Z’s purchased. “Hell, if I owned this heap, I’d probably just go ahead and make the font size smaller, but they’re the ones cutting me the fat check, so I’ll keep my yap shut.”

Unfortunately for the marquee-setters around the world, the nation’s linguists are hard at work in ways that may complicate matters further.

“Well, to make a long story short, we’ve got lots of new letters of the alphabet on the way. If projections are correct, we could be looking at a 76-77 letter English alphabet by the end of the year,” said Kramer. “This could allow indie bands to use all sorts of bloated, self-indulgently drawn-out band names. Names that could be entire passages and paragraphs the likes of which Coachella has never seen.”

At press time, Vollick entered a state of comatose shock after learning of the existence of the band The World Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Die.

Game Developer Union Secures Nine Day Work Week

BY Nick Coffman

SAN FRANCISCO — In a monumental win for workers at Rock the Boat Studios, the Boat Rockers’ Guild, a union made up of over 100 workers across multiple job titles, successfully negotiated to shorten their work week from ten days to nine days. Boat Rocker President and lead negotiator for the guild, Dean Williams, shared the details of the new deal in a video to guild members.

“With this new deal, developers, artists, QA testers, and so many more get one step closer to achieving a healthy work-life balance,” WIlliams shared, as uproarous cheers rang through the offices of Rock the Boat. “Those looking to spend more time with family have that option now. Those looking to start a family…I would hold off on that for a bit. Our demands for longer paternity leave periods were stopped at the gate. But onward we go!”

The new contract comes after a month-long walkout that halted all work on Rock the Boat’s upcoming real-time strategy game WaveStorm, which is supposed to be the big return of the genre. The game’s development has been harrowing for workers. Long hours, poor work conditions, and online backlash to decisions made in the game’s development have had many workers considering a career change.

“Studio leadership heard your concerns and they were ready to throw out all the stops, besides parental leave, to help improve morale and make this a happy family,” Williams said, as he held up a pillow and a gun. “All workers will have a pillow supplied to them. This is for sleeping under the desk when you WANT to stay late and work toward our fast approaching deadlines. They have also agreed to allow workers the opportunity to take paid time off to kill one angry gamer. That’s what the gun is for.”

CEO and founder of Rock the Boat, George “Boat Smasher” Quine, spoke to press after the announcement.

“They’re just so mean. I give and give and give and they just take and take and take. Why are they so mean to me,” Quine asked in tears and snot bubbles as he rocked back and forth on his office couch while craddling a large bag of money. “I just want to make money and eat caviar and hang out with other cool rich people on their cool big boats and scheme together to control and overthrow governments, and these stupid poors hassle me for time off to go take care of their dumb poor kids. This is all just too much.”

At press time Quine soloed a plate of caviar while Googling “How to Replace Workforce with AI Free Online”.