Hard Digest August 26: Taylor Swift, Early Access Jonas Bros, Photoshoots, Nurses, and More

Travis Kelce Dies After Taylor Swift Leaves Him in Sweltering Hot Private Jet

By Matt Husser

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was found dead today after his fiancée Taylor Swift accidentally left him in her sweltering hot private jet shortly after they announced their plans to be married, NFL sources confirmed.

“I told Travis not to fool around with those gatdang private jets, I never liked that the windows don’t roll down, and he always got tangled up in the seat belts! Oh this is all my fault, I saw him banging on the windows but I thought he was just foolin’ around playing peek-a-boo,” sobbed brother Jason Kelce. “We can’t even have an open casket ’cause he got all cooked up and exploded like a hot dog roasting over a campfire. Why God, why do bad things happen to good people, and not monsters like Deshaun Watson or the Jaguar’s mascot?”

Swift’s publicist released a statement on behalf of the grieving pop star.

“It’s been a cruel summer for Taylor, one that will take a lifetime for her to shake it off—especially just weeks after the announcement of her new album, ‘The Life of a Showgirl,’ available on all streaming platforms October 3rd, 2025,” said publicist Breanna Grant. “A tragic end to a love story like Taylor and Travis will leave a blank space for years to come, but if there’s anyone that can resume touring with a tortured soul, it’s Tay Tay. Fear not Swifties, Taylor will find a way to mend her broken heart and return to the studio to record her 13th studio album in honor of Travis, ‘When Angels Touch Down in Heaven.'”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell promised to honor the legacy of the Chiefs All-Pro tight end.

“Although Travis’ life was tragically cut short after he was slow-cooked like a Kansas City brisket, he will be remembered for his on-field talent, bright personality, and bringing the NFL a 2,000% ROI in key female demographics after bagging the biggest popstar in the world,” said Goodell. “To honor Travis’ legacy, the NFL will be raising awareness this season about the greatest danger facing our athletes today: being accidentally left in sweltering hot luxury vehicles. Please join me now and find the nearest window to leave open a ‘Crack for Kelce.'”

Swift was later seen being comforted during an intimate dinner with Jaguars mascot, Jaxson de Ville.

Jonas Brothers Upgrade to Cock Rings

By Peter Ferrarese

NEW YORK — International sensation the Jonas Brothers announced that since doing away with the chastity rings that they wore as Disney Channel heartthrobs, the trio have upgraded to wearing cock rings at all hours of the day, confirmed sources.

“We can’t thank you all enough for growing up with us, and being right alongside us at every step of our journey over the years,” said frontman Nick Jonas while adjusting his crotch area. “As proof that we and our kinks are always evolving, we have dedicated ourselves to having the strongest erections possible. When we were kids, there were constant jokes being made about the chastity rings that we wore to signify our purity. Well, let me assure you, all three of us are having sex with our wives and girlfriends constantly. Almost weekly now. And to prove it, we’ve committed ourselves to wearing cock rings from this point on!”

Vocalist and guitarist Joe Jonas elaborated on the group’s decision.

“For me, it’s like, there’s just something about it that adds to that energy once we’re onstage,” Jonas stated. “I can’t really describe it. It’s just one more thing that bonds the three of us as brothers. Now I can’t speak for the other guys, but mine…vibrates. Sophie actually still has the remote, so whenever I feel some friction down there, I know she’s watching me and deciding to give me a little stimulation.”

Eldest brother and lead guitarist Kevin Jonas shed more light on the reactions of the brothers’ partners to the news.

“I was totally against the idea at first. I was like, ‘Guys, that’s a boundary that we just shouldn’t cross.’ Plus, I’m more of an anal bead guy myself,” Jonas said. “But then I asked Danielle about it and she was super enthusiastic. Her eyes actually sort of lit up when I mentioned it, and she was nodding along vigorously as I described the idea. It’s been nothing but a positive for the two of us at the end of the day.”

At press time, the pop rock band was posing for a Rolling Stone photoshoot, pulling the waistbands of their jeans down just enough so the shiny metal rings were visible.

Bands Are Just an Excuse for Men To Have Photoshoots

By Jonah Nink

Are you in need of profile photos for Instagram or Hinge? Don’t want to hire a photographer because the boys might think you’re “gay” or something? Try starting a band!

Starting a band is super easy! All you need to do is find two to four other like-minded dudes with entrenched homophobia and learn to play bass. Once those are ready, it’s time for the photoshoot! In terms of location, any foreclosed building, ideally a Church or fire-damaged Wendy’s, will do. The loading dock of Sam’s Club is a personal favorite. Thankfully, the United States is a failed theocratic oligarchy, so dilapidated infrastructure for band photoshoots is plentiful.

Who takes the photos? As the bass player, it’s your responsibility to get your mom to take the photos for free, since it’s likely everyone in the band works at a toll booth.

Are you a non-man feeling left out? You can join in the fun by looking at the photos (wow!) on Instagram (zoinks!)!

The Beatles were the first men to successfully start a band as a way to get nice photos of themselves. The Fab Four did such a good job that they landed a spot on the Ed Sullivan show in 1964. Ed Sullivan and his producers would not allow four disgusting English river peasants near their expensive cameras if they weren’t in a band. The best part is that musical talent is completely optional; for example, just look at The Beatles.

Since the first caveman used a severed pterodactyl penis to draw a portrait of himself on the slimy limestone walls of a damp cave, men have been obsessed with our own image. We built stone statues in our likeness, and baroque tapestries and paintings immortalizing our great deeds. Hell, we even let Howard Stern star in his own biopic for fucks sake!

But it wasn’t until the band photo shoot that stigma-free straight male vanity was truly democratized. If, for some reason, you can’t find other men to start a band with, you can always put on sunglasses and take a selfie in your truck. And say, why not drive that truck straight into the ocean?

Punk Nurse Asks if Any Patients Want to Play Slap the IV Bag

By Stephen Bell

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Intensive care nurse Harper Schlader was reportedly asking any of her patients currently in the ICU if they wanted to play a game called Slap the IV Bag, reported several witnesses to his erratic behavior.

“What the fuck is up, intensive care unit!” screamed Schlader into a microphone and amp that she brought to the unit. “We’ve got morphine drips for all of you so who’s ready to get this shit pumping fast and play Slap the IV Bag? If that doesn’t sound fun, I’m sure we can get a game of Morphine Pong going. Maybe we can also suck on a couple of alcohol swabs to really get our buzz going. I see you over there, Mr. Johnson, asking to play!”

The patients in this particular ICU were feeling pretty good after participating in Schlader’s shenanigans.

“I have never felt better in a hospital setting until playing Slap the IV Bag,” said patient Karen Conner post-appendectomy. “I mean, I felt good until I got really sleepy and then suddenly was wide awake again after they administered the Narcan. But that was that asshole doctor giving me the Narcan and it gave me a serious hangover. Though I guess it was the equivalent to puking and rallying because I did get more morphine afterwards, though disappointingly it was just a normal drip again.”

Lame doctors at the hospital quickly put a stop to Schlader’s activities in the hospital.

“We did some digging and it turns out that the ‘Misfits School of Nursing’ is not real and there is no professor Danzig,” stated ICU physician William Fraseur. “I suppose we should’ve been tipped off to Harper’s phony credentials though after she insisted on wearing one of those sexy nurse outfits from Spirit Halloween instead of scrubs like the rest of our nursing staff. Part of me is going to miss Harper though once she’s gone. She might’ve represented a major breach in hospital protocol, endangered the lives of our patients, opened us up to multi-million dollar lawsuits, and stole tons of medical equipment, but she was fun. And isn’t that what ultimately matters in the ICU?”

At press time, Schlader could be seen getting escorted off of the hospital premises after reportedly suggesting patients play a game called Edward IV Drip Hands.

Uh Oh! Spider in Apartment Has Massive Health Bar

BY Jacob Albrecht

CHICAGO — A seemingly harmless spider climbing up the wall of a local man’s apartment has been revealed to be a mini-boss with a massive health bar, arachnophobic sources confirm.

“I get spiders in my apartment from time to time, but never like this,” said apartment resident Shawn Johnson, 28. “I went to squash it with a flip-flop like usual, next thing I know I’m hearing Dark Orchestral music and seeing this big-ass health bar. I was even frozen in place for a second while it did a short, unskippable cinematic.”

The spider was eager to share its motivation and backstory just before the battle began.

“For eons without number, my kin and I have defended this, our ancestral home,” claimed Arachnyll, Scourge of the Dark. “All ye who enter upon this hallowed studio, feel the hate that burns within me, for it is deep and insatiable. Your pathetic life will meet its immediate end, and in your carcass I shall hatch a new generation of guardians.”

Local exterminator Liz Probst was quick to share with us her advice for dealing with pesky ancient eldritch vermin.

“Yeah, I see this kind of thing all the time,” said Probst, 43. “Arachnyll’s a tricky one, but that don’t mean he can’t be beat. His bite attack is easy enough to parry, but you’re gonna have to dodge the lunge attacks. Phase 2 is when he starts spraying venom, and that shit can be deadly. Overall, though, you can just stay right up under his ass and slash like there’s no tomorrow, and he’ll be dead soon enough. If it helps, you can also throw a trap down to chip away some health before the fight even starts, but personally I’d just go for it.”

At press time, the slain spider has dropped a rare greatsword and those keys you lost.