Hard Digest August 25: Early Access Incubus, Mr. Wizard, Shark Week, and More

Rediscovery of Incubus Leads to Most Boring Midlife Crisis Ever

By Rob Ryder

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local husband and father of three Brad Devins recently rediscovered a burned copy of Incubus’ 2001 album “Morning View” resulting in the most boring midlife crisis in recorded history, confirmed sources.

“I don’t know why I hadn’t listened to them in so long, I loved that band ever since my roommate in college burned their CD for me,” said Devins while rummaging through his basement to find his Boss Phaser pedal. “Just finding that CD has changed everything, as soon as I heard that opening bass line, I felt a renewed sense of life. I think I’m even going to try dreadlocks, as long as my job’s cool with that. I don’t know how the door of my mind got closed so tight, but my friend Colin said that Whole Foods sells an organic essential oil that’s kinda like Molly, so I think it’s time I took a trip in the comfort of my 3,700-square-foot house, and let Brandon and the boys show me the way.”

While Devins has been enjoying his nostalgia trip, his daughter has been completely embarrassed by her father’s behavior.

“Ugh, this is worse than when he found a pair of JNCOs in our basement, like a hundred times worse,” said daughter Heather Devins while trying to drown out the sound of singer Brandon Boyd shouting “fuck me in my own way” repeatedly. “It really became unbearable yesterday when he cornered some of my friends and started playing ‘Wish You Were Here’ on guitar after suggesting they spend some time just living under the stars on such a beautiful evening. Then he asked us if we wanted to go to the planetarium to see a light show. He’s the worst.”

Psychologist Anne Jenkins has seen the behavior before but feels the word “crisis” might be a little strong.

“Its really all the Napster generation has and honestly, it’s just a phase,” said Dr. Jenkins while cracking a shit eating grin. “There’s way worse disorders that nostalgia can bring on. Last week I had a 47-year-old who couldn’t stop telling his coworkers he was going to ‘break their fucking face tonight’ before moshing into their cubicles. The Incubus situation does take time, but usually wears out when the individual realizes they are not a 21-year-old female at a state university or that one puff of weed will just make them sleepy and want to go to bed at 6:00pm.”

At press time, Devin’s wife was close to orgasming to a picture of Boyd her husband hung up in the bedroom.

Here’s Which Episodes of “Mr. Wizard” To Watch in What Order To Make Crystal Meth

By Stephen Bell

Don Herbert better known as “Mr. Wizard” was the beloved host of “Mr. Wizard’s World,” an educational science show that even the most jaded Gen X’er came to love while watching Nickelodeon in the 80s. However, you might as well have called him Walter White because hidden within his many practical chemistry lessons was all the information you needed to know in order to make crystal meth. Here’s which episodes you need to watch in order to become your town’s new Heisenberg!

Season 1, Episode 4: Mr. Wizard goes to the store
In this episode, Mr. Wizard instructs the kids about how to space out purchasing all of the materials you need without raising suspicion. He has his child assistants visit multiple stores and only use cash to purchase their materials. He also coached the children to put pepper up their noses before buying the Sudafed to really sell their “colds”.

Season 2, Episode 7: Adventures in chirality
Chirality is the principle in chemistry that certain molecules can have the same chemical formula while not being superimposable mirror images. This means that you can have chemicals that, despite being made of the same parts, can have completely different properties. In this episode, Mr. Wizard explains that you want the R configuration and not the S configuration because one gets you super high and the other causes impotence.

Season 2, Episode 10: Eating good in the neighborhood
Mr. Wizard takes time to explain the Maillard reaction and how it’s the reaction that makes your bread brown when you make toast. It didn’t teach anything about making meth, but it’s surprisingly interesting, and you’re definitely going to want to understand it when you’re making a celebratory grilled cheese after a successful meth cook.

Season 3, Episode 5: Catalyzing reactions
In this episode, Mr. Wizard explained how catalysts are used in chemical reactions to speed up the rate of a certain reaction while not being used up in the reaction itself. Of course, the best place to get the necessary metals for a lot of these reactions is located right behind your muffler. The kids really enjoyed getting the shiny stuff in this episode, and their smaller size made it much easier for them to use the band saw.

Season 5, Episode 10: How to make meth
Unsurprisingly, this was the last episode of Mr. Wizard, because he dropped any and all pretenses and just straight up made meth. In retrospect, watching any of the other episodes was unnecessary because in this episode, he just straight-up makes meth before getting tackled by DEA agents.

Viewers Look on in Mix of Horror/Excitement as PornHub Announces Its First Ever Shark Week

By Stephen Bell

MONTREAL, Quebec — Regular viewers of the online pornography streaming company PornHub looked on with a strange mixture of horror and excitement as the company announced its first ever Shark Week, confirmed sources.

“OK, what’s their angle here?” asked local pervert Jesse Entingh with some newspaper placed suspiciously over his lap. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of autoeroticism and the erogenous cinematic arts, but hot sharks just sound frightening. I mean I’m already afraid of a woman’s teeth when getting a blowjob, or I would be if I could ever get one. But a shark blowjob would just have way too many teeth that forever regenerate which is what I learned from regular Shark Week. But then again maybe the danger is what would make it hot. Oh god, my boner is so confused.”

Executives at PornHub felt that having a Shark Week was completely on brand for them.

“I just feel that the PornHub has a real special kinship with oceanic apex predators,” stated vice president of marketing Charles Schaeffer. “Porn is under attack right now just like the noble shark. I mean, you don’t see people turning our performers into soup just yet, but they are adding age verification laws in many US states which really attack our brand. Anyway, have you ever heard of a nurse shark? Well, without spoiling anything, let’s just say some other nurses will be involved.”

Marine biologists were similarly nonplussed about the decision to combine porn and sharks.

“While I appreciate their commitment to protecting biodiversity, sharks are animals and can’t consent to whatever they want to do,” said Andrea Horn PhD. “I do hope they use protection though and by that I mean shark cages. But maybe condoms too? I’ve been studying sharks for 30 years and I have no idea if people can get shark STDs. I guess we would call this new disease ‘sharkphylis’? Dammit, I’m suddenly invested in this and I didn’t want to be. Stupid sexy sharks.”

At press time, several male performers were concerned that the upcoming bear week might be more literal than what they initially signed up for.

Investigation Reveals Earth’s Defender Goku Has Ties to Sexual Predator Living on Private Island

BY Dan Kozuh

KAME HOUSE — An investigation by KBC News has revealed troubling connections between Earth’s most celebrated hero Son Goku and notorious pervert Master Roshi, a hermit who lives alone on a secluded island supposedly training children in martial arts.

“I don’t really know the guy. He didn’t teach me the Kamehameha. I learned it myself. I’m the best at Kamehameha. People say they’ve never seen a Kamehameha as good as mine,” Goku, who is also known by the alias Kakarot, said at a press conference, while doing 1,000 push-ups. “A lot of people trained me, okay? We’ve got people from all over the universe begging to train me. Great people. Some bald. Some cats. Some green. Some even black actually, very black. No one gives me credit for that one. I don’t remember them all. There could’ve been the bald one. Frankly, I don’t associate with them. I just train. Everyone knows that. I’m the best at training.”

The statement directly contradicts decades of evidence obtained by ZTV.

“We have literal footage of Goku living at Roshi’s home as a child, being gifted the iconic Flying Nimbus from him, and literally naming him as his martial arts master in five separate world tournaments,” ZTV investigative reporter. “I am not saying Goku did anything inappropriate but the revelations stem from a newly unsealed capsule log detailing Roshi’s long history of sexual misconduct that includes rampant voyeurism, unsolicited groping, and distributing pornography to minors. Most of which Goku was either present or aware of.”

Master Roshi refused to comment to journalists about these allegations, but released a statement via his podcast The Kame-Kast.

“This is just another cancel-culture witch hunt, plain and simple. You can’t even compliment a woman’s voluptuous… aura anymore without some woke kai telling you it’s predatory. Some women like compliments,” Master Roshi said as his nostrils erupted in a profuse nosebleed. “If women don’t want to get cat-called, they shouldn’t be dressing up in revealing bunny costumes and bikinis all the time. Back in my day, a man could ogle girly books and watch work-out videos without people calling him a creep! Goku has gone soft, this planet’s gotten soft. ”

At press time, Goku Instant Transmissioned away when confronted by reporters about the travel logs of Roshi’s sea turtle associate, Umigame.