Regarding my FA Account

Making this post public, just in the slim chance that others DO come here seeking an explanation on the matter...

So, a few of you may have noticed already that as of yesterday afternoon, my FA account was disabled. YES, this is of my own decision/doing; I was and likely still am having an emotional meltdown regarding my own work(s) and how most people view them, but there was a bit of another reason behind it, as well.

I began working actively to improve my work at age 15, which was back in around 2005 (yes, I am aware that I am old af; why do you think I don't like to talk about it?) and REALLY decided to up my game once I started drawing more kink-based/NSFW things, which was back in early-to-mid 2012. I was, and still am, working to actively improve, but after certain events transpired I realized that I was being tried for what I actually cared about more: actively enjoying the work I did, or forcing myself into a corner in order to provide content faster because of the way a handful of jerks were treating me at the time. I tried doing both, but that soon proved to be impossible, especially with the way others were going about it, and of course I was beginning to become harder and harder on myself on top of that; it began a slow, steady decline in my already-questionable mental/emotional health that ultimately reached its darkest hour in late 2019.

Again, I'm not blaming others entirely for my poor state of health; they were sparks/catalysts absolutely but the main blame falls upon myself. I should have been stronger; I should have just told these people to fuck off right from the get-go. If I had, maybe I wouldn't be as miserable as I am right now, and would actually want to step outside the box with my stuff; practice new techniques; try new things; LEARN THINGS faster. However I was still trying to please people despite the fact I am AWARE I cannot please everyone. I was trying to think of a more efficient way to produce work so people wouldn't be upset with me. I didn't have a lot of breathing room because I felt I couldn't AFFORD it, because people around me, at the time, did not handle disappointment well even if it were for a good reason. The IRL environment I was in, was one of targeting and ridicule--my parents forced me into a group home after I graduated high school and the setup at that time involved a head-of-staff whom abused their status in order to single me out. The other staff began treating me poorly as well under his influence. I was blamed for everything under the sun and then criticized/scorned when I tried to even speak against what they were doing. 

I began to start slipping. My physical health could not stand on its own with the other two of the trinity completely destroyed. I began getting sick more often; having nightmares; putting on excess weight; getting dehydrated far FAR more easily than before. I have dealt with two kidney stones, one of which got stuck and needed surgical interference to remove, within the past ten years. Fatigue became more and more of an issue, as did the thoughts of self-harm/suicide. I never actually followed through on either of those things because being locked in a confined psychiatric ward is a fate worse than death to me and I knew they would do it without hesitation and despite my discomfort with it. Before you ask; yes, it has in fact happened to me several times, and each time was just far worse than the last. I'm never going back there again, even if it means forcing myself to ignore my own needs. I'm not insane; I'm just a broken person with a lot of issues. I've been trying to find a good mental support team here, but due to COVID, of course, most if not all of the doctors within the area are completely booked due to short-staffing; just this morning I needed to reschedule a normal doctor's visit for two weeks later due to this very reason...

There is a lot more that needs to be said here, as there are a lot of details about this matter that don't narrow down to just ONE cause. But I do know that I do not enjoy my work most of the time anymore; working on these projects gives me a LOT more lenience and I know these people so they're not actively judging me on what I end up producing. I want to improve, and I want to focus on that improvement. I can't do that with things the way they are currently. It's gotten to the point where I've actually begun to envy other artists and I'm not about to let myself get caught up in something that petty or benign. There's no need; there's no reason.

I might re-activate my FA once I regain my footing/bearings again, but in the meantime it's closed off, and it's probably going to remain closed off for at least a week. I want to focus on improvement for MYSELF because it is something I have ignored for far, FAR too long. 

SWELL will still continue, as will the other series we have planned. However, in my current state of mind, FA is an unwelcome distraction, as are a lot of other sites right now. I hope that you will understand.

Thanks for listening.