Ray's Place: Baby Kings, Twin Language, Long-Distance Threesome

Good afternoon Ray, My 4-year old won't go to bed. He doesn't seem to mind the concept, but rarely lays down without trying to negotiate his way out of it, if not mild-to-medium intensity rage. What can we do to help him go to sleep peacefully? Regards, Over this Shit

Dear ROTS,

Well, you definitely asked the main child-rearing expert of our times. Oh wait, I am widely regarded as a player with a helicopter. Whatever! Let’s fix your problem. 

What you got on your hands there, ROTS, is a little king — a straight-up stone legend-in-the-making of a leader among men. It may not look like that when he’s all passed out on his face in The Mouse Who Sneezed jammies, but if he’s already takin’ you to the boardroom table, and then on the warpath when diplomacy doesn’t work, don’t fool yourself. By the time he’s in kindergarten he’ll have the other kids servin’ him egg rolls and Pepsi if he wants it. If he so demands it.

But even little kings get tired, and the best way to tire that boy out is to take him to the park a few times a day. This is better than doin’ the tablet zombie thing that most parents are into to these days, because eventually his kingly little brain will realize you were stuntin’ his progress, and when you're old he’ll stick you in some nursin’ home with mildew and a bitch. 

You can’t change destiny,  

-=R.A.Y.B.L.O.X. M.A.D.E. M.E. A. G.E.N.I.U.S.=-

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Good afternoon Ray, People used to get my identical twin and I mixed up all the time. It was always funny. But now we live in different cities, and move in different circles. I miss confusing people. Is there a way to do that without having to move to my brother’s city? —Jared F.

Dear Jared, 

I think when you say you miss confusing people, you might actually be saying you miss making sense with one person: your brother. It’s hard when twins move apart. Have you heard about how if one twin gets donked on the head with a Frisbee, the other twin, even from across the world, will suddenly laugh and light a joint? 

The answer is, you both need to move back together. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it isn’t. (Call a service.) Neither of you is probably satisfied with what you’re currently doing (how could you be?) so just make something happen. How classic would it be if you both just moved to some city in the middle and got busboy jobs at a popular old place called, like, The Sternwheeler, with one of those swinging kitchen doors, and you could use that door and your twin-ness to hella comedic advantage? Like, you back through the door holding a loaded bus tub, and the instant the door closes your brother busts out the same door in a tux, just wailin’ on sax! Your true life just started.  

Inspired, 

=-=R-R-R-revvin’ Ray=-= 

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Dear Ray, I'm about to move across the country. Is there some way to make the process less of a pain, even by a minuscule amount? —Distant Egg Song

Distant, 

I think you should team up with Jared F. (previous question) and his twin brother! They are looking for a road trip that will redefine not just their friendship but their lives, and having another advice-column-writer-inner as the catalyst in the mix will make for an enriching comedy all can enjoy! DM me, I have access to Jared’s email address.

Cassowary Peckin’ at Tater Tots, 

R 

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Confidential to Gary_V in Minneapolis: Whoah. If your backyard barbecue guests are actually saying to your face that they’re sick and tired of hearin’ about your kid’s high school football game, “full eye contact and spittle flecks” and all, they usually mean it. I wouldn’t push your luck any further than you have.