Ray's Place: "How's it Hangin'," Shower Sex, Makin' Money at Rock Bottom

Dear Ray. I have always been a "dress left" guy but since turning fifty I think that dressing right is a younger look. Do you have any exercises/regimen that will help me with my transition? Asking for a friend. JHC.

JHC— 

At first I thought you meant by “dress left” that your manhood hangs to the left and your tailored suits are adjusted to accommodate it. (Yes, everybody, this is a thing.) But then you say something that suggests you can alter the side to which your junk hangs, which I've never heard of, so at that point I figured maybe you meant more of a political left/right thing…but nobody thinks that "dressing right" like some Connecticut dude named Pipster “Pip” McCleek The Fourth is a “younger look.” (Unless you’re doin’ a post-yacht irony or sudu tang prep thing, both of which you can see emerging in the Bushwick instas right now.) 

Then I was like, “Does he mean how buttons go on different sides of a man or lady shirt placket? And is this real subtle code language about gender-change stuff?” Finally I was like, they only pay me to read on the lines, not between them.* 

JHC, I am exhausted just trying to know what you mean, so I’m gonna assume you really do want your chang-chang to do-si-do. Sears Roebuck used to sell a strap for this kind of thing, but it seems to have fallen out of popularity, so figure out how that worked and make your own. And whatever you’re doin’, good luck out there, we all deserve happiness.

=Ray=     

*I do not actually get paid. I mainly do this advice column to keep my nougat scrappy. 

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Your rayness. man it's rough sledding sharing this, but sometimes when i'm going to work on my lady in the shower, my legs get to quivering real bad and i can't deliver the end credits, so to speak. it's been a minute since ThighMaster® was a thing, but there has got to be a way to lock that shit in. what would you recommend? —shakes 'n' bakes in the pnw 

Shakes, 

Man, I am glad to hear that people are still gettin’ it on in the shower. That is some old-school work that the younger folks aren’t willin’ to put in any more. Lord, the ways we used to knock boots! We would do it in or near a boat (nice, fiberglass hull, on open water or just parked in 3-car garage)…we used to sneak out into the woods with a Polaroid…we used to set an egg timer and do it in the snow. But these days, I just pray the new generation reads your message and (narrow, tremblin’ thighs aside) gets inspired to see what kind of fun grandma and grandpa had. 

As far as your legs go, a lotta folks are probably thinkin’, “quads.” And a lot of the time they’d be right! But you mention how you’re also gettin’ on in years, and that lit up a big old light bulb over my head. 

Shakes, you grew up seeing movies and cable TV series where old folks slip and fall in the shower and never really recover — the old “broken hip” thing. And now you subconsciously worry about this happening to you in your older body, and your legs start tremblin’ in fear! 

It’s a danger to you both, and I think it’s time to allow yourself to get back to smackin’ in safer, yet still unconventional places, like near the broom closet in the hall (carpeted). And maybe your foreplay could involve some flutes of potassium water.  

Be True!

-=Randy Raynday=-

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Ray, I am currently disguised as a phantom. I am in a cupboard of a ladies loo and have to jump out approximately once every three minutes to scream and jump-scare the punters that go past. Royalty free Halloween music plays on a loop as a strobe light flashes repeatedly. I must do this every night for six hours for the next eighteen days for sixteen pounds an hour... I have a masters in science. How did my career go so wrong? How do I fix this? —Tom PM

Dear Tom, 

Man, once I had thought through that whole description, your situation hit me like a ton of bricks. I was all picturin’ you in some cheap green wig and bulbous “drunk doctor” nose, screamin’ at kids, bookshelves at home all full of diplomas and Niels Bohr: The Atom. I think you actually—stay with me here—are the perfect metaphor for life at this moment. I am not kidding: you have hit the lowest a man can go, despite aiming high in a first-world nation in the most opportunity-rich era of history. 

It’s time for you to get on the podcast circuit, telling people that your condition represents all the economic and moral failings of our time, and that the people, and the governments, must all do better. Could net you some brisk crickets, and maybe an ad gig reppin’ a national tax prep service or something.  

Definitely always wear the wig and nose as the elements of your mythology. You’ll be the Daft Punk of failin’ down.

-=Sisyphus Smuckles=- 

-=The Old Crow Pecks at His Liver=-

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Confidential to Gary_V in Minneapolis: I think you're safe to wear the c-ring up to half an hour without risking tissue damage. Or are we still talking about PEX crimp rings? You mentioned Melinda in the first part of your message so I wasn't sure.