Ray's Place: Avoiding Stoner Disasters, Nerd Terror at the Theater, Thermometers

dear ray what are the best ingredients to keep on hand for when the party goes late and people might not be able to handle proper cooking but you as the host dont want guests to have to resort to ordering delivery — Zen Window

Dear e e cummings, 

I’m going to be charitable and decide that your lack of grammar and punctuation is because you actually composed this at just such a party, and wanted to send it before the thought evaporated. I ain’t usually a big stick-ass about this stuff, but I am seein’ it more and more that young folks present badly in writing, and writing is the fashion of the mind. If you care about the way you dress, you got to care about the way you come over in words, too. Feel me?  

Anyhow. So, you ain’t want your guests to burn down your house when they’re rippin’ and fadin’, all putting hot dogs still in the box directly on the burners. This is very wise, which leads me to believe that in better circumstances, you’ll re-send that email with good grammar. But for now, since this topic is so important, it’s my duty to answer immediately. 

Basically, no machine is safe from friends in this state. Late after one party I once caught an incoherent Téodor putting a copper pot full of candles in the microwave and setting it to forty-five hours. Last thing I need is a vortex to some cackly witch dimension opening up in my house. 

Best thing you can do is have one of those butter boards out, with lots of bread and pickles and charcuterie and stuff. You can make it ahead of time, the soft, fatty butter will satisfy the cravings, and that carby bread will stuff the gut like a sausage. I know butter boards are pretty much over, but at 3am with one eye open, everybody’ll be like, “...” [silent eating noise].  

-=I_Used_To_B_A_Placenta!!!=-

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Hi Ray, Out of all the kitchen gadgets these days, is there ONE that actually ups your flavor game? ONE that a player should actually own rather than dropkick over the horizon? Sous Vide Wand? Convection Thing? Smoking Cloche? Driveway Egg? Shit man, am I better off just learning the mother sauces on the kind of stove that comes with a house? - Nick

Nick, 

I recently got  a thermometer, and it totally changed my dishes. I’d start there. It’s the difference between cooking and guessing, and last time I checked, nobody wanted to eat my guesses. (Although that does sound like somethin’ a demon in a Harry Potter novel would do.)

-=Raytolando, Known Italian=-

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O Ray, I'm sort of a film buff (I refuse to say "cinephile"), and whenever I see movies with my friends they always get mad at me for "nitpicking" or "contrarianism" even though I'm just talking about what I liked/didn't like about the movie. Are they being obstinate or should I shut my trap? — Isaac

Isaac!

So, what your friends don’t like is that your responses to movies are too structured, and probably contain words like “narrative” and “theme.” What they want to do is burst outta’ the theatre goin’, “Dude! DUDE! Did you see how fast John Wick drove that car!? And that thing with the snake?! AAAAWESOME!” (Friend #2: “Vrooom! VROOOOOM!”) And there you are, all, “Frenzy without cease becomes the new stillness; examination beyond that baseline yields but the crinkling cellophane of cheap mental candy; a scarecrow where Hercules through Atlas was promised.” (I had Connie write that last line.) 

I let Pat choose the movie a couple weeks ago, and we ended up watchin’ this three hour thing about a young French boy who lived under a crashed ship, and a picture of a mountain lion was his only possession. At one point I though this explorer lady he saw in a dream was gonna show her boobs, but she turned into a book case draped in kelp, so I just kept discreetly readin’ my phone. Then Pat talked for longer than the movie itself about parallels in capitalist economics, and every time I tried to ask how the crashed boat was like economics, he just looked at me in disgust for a second before starting over again. I guess, in a way, my miserable experience was a lot like its own French surrealist movie. 

Anyhow, don’t change who you are for dummies, is my advice. Works for Pat. 

))booty.got.2.shake((

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Confidential to Gary_V in Minneapolis: Ha ha! I hear you, G. I used to go with this girl Janeane, and she was from St Paul, but her mom lived in Minneapolis, and she had to fly back all the time to take care of her. I guess that’s why things ultimately cooled off. Anyways, how’s Marla?