ESSAY: A Motherfucking Bad Ass

Content Note: This writing describes medical injury on my reproductive organs.

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I managed to wait until the clinicians left the room before I doubled over on the exam table sobbing.

In the last dozen or so years I'd already gone through multiple IUD insertions and removals. It sucks, sure. It hurts! But it's not "the worst" and I was an old pro, I could handle it. This was actually a point of pride for me.

An IUD is a birth control device that looks like a miniature capital T, which is inserted up through the vagina and nestles inside the uterus. ...If only I had drawn an educational comic about IUDs eleven years ago that I could use to show you what I'm describing... OH WAIT:

Whether it's being inserted or removed, the clinic will typically advise you to pop an ibuprofen or two before your appointment, but that's as much pain management as you'll get. It's not even that painful, exactly, but for me it's just such an intensely, shockingly different  sensation in an area of the body that is never touched, and that physical disturbance is so powerfully alien that the only way my brain knows how to translate it is into this kind of pain-adjacent feeling. I dunno, man, it's weird. It sucks. But it's manageable.

That time, it wasn't manageable.

I mean, I got through it. Obviously, I did it. But that time it really, truly was painful. Searing, ripping, engulfing pain. Now that I've had kidney stones since then and can compare the two... Well, my kidney stones experience lasted way longer, so maybe they'd win this competition purely from how long I had to suffer? But only barely.

I was embarrassed as I sobbed.

"You're weak." I told myself. "You're stupid. You're incompetent."

It's the same refrain I've repeated to myself for as long as I can remember, it's the message my grandmother first baked into my head as a child and the one my mother reinforced as I grew. My grandmother meant it as an insult, to shame me into behaving "better" (I guess?), while my mother meant it as a way to "protect" me (I think?), by preparing me for a world that would chew me up and spit me out so I needed to be on the defensive to compensate for my weaknesses in advance. "Everyone else is stronger and smarter and more capable than you, so protect yourself accordingly" was the intended message, I think. The message I absorbed, though, was "I am weak and stupid and incompetent, so don't even try to be more than that."

There are a lot of Normal Capabilities that I grew up lacking, that my high school and college friends took the time to teach me (or try to, bless them). Stuff like: How to Take the Bus (I was told I'd get raped by another passenger if I rode the bus), How to Cook (I would get cut or burned if I prepared my own food), How to Tell Someone They Hurt My Feelings (the situation would be made 10x worse or violent if I spoke up), or How to Drive (you will kill someone, either yourself or someone else, if you drive).

I have worked so, so hard the last few decades learning how to do the Normal Things that Normal People do, but I'm 41 years old and I still noticeably struggle with them. And when I struggle, I tell myself, "You're weak. You're stupid. You're incompetent."

A few days ago, I met with a new doctor to discuss a possible surgery I may have to get on my ovary. It's not an emergency, but there's, like, a lemon-sized fibroid that is either attached to my ovary or has... swallowed up my ovary entirely. It's difficult to tell from the MRI images. Like an un-emerged wisdom tooth, it's not causing any noticeable problems yet but it's probably just a good idea to get rid of it before it does.

The doctor was comparing MRIs taken over the years and noted that my last IUD was embedded into the wall of my uterus.

...

My last IUD was embedded inside the wall of my uterus. 

This probably happened when it was inserted; the clinician probably pushed too hard, penetrated the wall and then my body just... healed around it.

So when the last person went to remove it years later, they weren't just sliding an object out of my pre-existing anatomy pocket, they were pulling on a hook that was embedded inside the meat of my body.

WITHOUT. PAIN KILLER. 

And I took it!

I practiced deep breathing, I kept my body still, I waited until the clinicians left before I broke down sobbing and I was so ashamed of myself because I thought I was imagining the pain, I was making it worse than it actually was. Normal people can do this without reacting like I am, I thought. I was weak, I was stupid, I was incompetent.

BUT I WASN'T.

I was a motherfucking BAD ASS.

I fucking rawdogged my uterus getting shredded with a blunt object without any meaningful pain management. I did that! That is the opposite of weak! That is FUCKING BAD ASS.

I AM FUCKING BAD ASS.

I ride the bus everywhere and I know how to deal with the men who harass me. I have practiced cooking enough that I can now make an edible casserole. My cold terror while driving has reduced to an alert fear and, occasionally, moments of near neutrality. When I tell someone they hurt my feelings, I know I will be able to take care of myself no matter what their response. Should I ever have to undergo a primitive surgery with no anesthetic again, I will breathe and exercise control until it is over.

Throughout my childhood and youth, my caregivers taught me I was weak, I was stupid, I was incompetent.

I have worked so, so hard to teach myself another lesson, to be something else.

I am 41 years old now.

I am capable. I am smart. I am strong.

I'm a motherfucking bad ass.