Elegy - Chapter 28

I ended up back at Hanna’s house, after being kicked out of school, just trying to figure out what to do. Kat was at school, and Mrs. Philips was working, so I was on my own, lost.

I mostly just sat in one place, thinking. It wasn’t productive thinking, more like cycling through all the losses and setbacks, over and over, on a depressing loop. Finally, I had to get up and do something. I noticed it was about time for school to get out, and I also knew, from Kat, that the main swim team didn’t have practice again until after spring break, so I took a shot that maybe Sydney was home.

I knew I was setting myself up for another possible disaster, but after getting shut down by her dad, I knew the only way I was going to get some closure with her was by confronting her face-to-face when he wasn’t there. There was a chance she wasn’t on board with everything her dad had been saying. She was, generally, very hesitant to ever go against him, so our relationship only had an outside chance of working. If there was a chance, I wanted to know. If there wasn’t, well, I didn’t really want to know, but I needed to. Just so I could stop worrying about it.

I pulled up to Sydney’s house and was relieved to see her father’s cruiser wasn’t in the driveway. If he was home, this had no shot of working. Her mom, however, was a little more understanding and would at least let me have a conversation with Sydney without standing over her shoulder intimidating her.

I parked down the street, on the off chance her dad did drive by or something, and walked up to the house. Ringing the doorbell, I still wasn’t sure if I hoped she was home or not. My emotions were all over the place, and honestly, I just didn’t know what I wanted anymore.

After a few moments though, the front door opened just a crack and Sydney peeked out. As soon as she saw me, a wild run of emotions crossed her face, and I could tell she was as conflicted as I was. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not, but at least she didn’t look annoyed or disappointed to see me.

“Charlie, what are you doing here?” she asked nervously. “My dad will be home in a few hours.”

“I just want to talk to you, that’s all. I promise, I’ll stay less than five minutes.”

Sydney hesitated, glancing over her shoulder into the empty house. “I don’t know, Charlie …”

“Sydney, please, I can’t keep existing in limbo. You know everything that’s happened over the last week. I just … I need you,” I said, my voice catching in my throat.

I was still somewhat emotionally blocked, but for a moment it felt like I was going to lose it. I almost turned and left right there. With everything that had been building up, once the dam burst, it was going to be bad, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to subject Sydney to that.

She made the decision for me, though, as she stepped back, opening the door a little wider.

“Fine, come in. But only five minutes.”

I stepped into the entryway as Sydney closed the door behind us. I felt a mixture of excitement and nervousness, joy and fear at being with her again. I opened my mouth but suddenly found myself at a loss for words. Should I just come out and ask if we were breaking up? I didn’t know if I was ready to hear the answer to that yet.

Sydney’s gaze flitted to the clock on the wall.

“If you want to talk, talk,” she said, almost impatiently.

A bad sign.

“Sorry,” I said, taking a deep breath to steady myself. “I don’t … I don’t know how to ask this without sounding like I’m accusing you of something or coming off like a jerk. At the funeral, and again when I tried to call you … it feels like you’re avoiding me. I know your dad told me I needed to stay away from you, but I’m not willing to let him decide the status of our relationship. I guess, what I want to know is, is he keeping us apart or are you actually avoiding me?”

She looked at the floor, refusing to meet my gaze, and said, “We should break up.”

While I’d expected this as a possible outcome, I hadn’t expected it to be so … sudden.

“What? Why?”

“My dad says dating you is dangerous. You yourself have told me that the district attorney has it out for you and has even been paying off our vice-principal to try to get to you. Dad’s worried that he might start going after the people in your life, trying to hurt us to get to you. I’m just starting my life out. I’ve got college to think about, I can’t risk all that.”

“You’re going to let your father decide if we break up? Why now? He’s been trying to get us to break up since the day we started dating. Why, right now, when everything is at its worst, are you listening to him?”

“I’m not letting him decide that I break up with you. Yes, he was the one who told me about your problems with Aaron’s father, but he didn’t make this decision. I did. I didn’t listen to him before because I didn’t think he was right, that you were dangerous. I know you’re a good person. But now, I do think he’s right. And you do too. Tell me Mr. Campbell won’t try and go after your friends? Can you promise me I’m going to be completely safe? That he won’t come after me and damage my life the way he’s hurt yours?”

“You know I can’t promise that, but you, of all people, are the least likely he’d come after, not with who your father is. Hell, your father is talking to my lawyer, trying to help me get out from under these charges. Sure, there’s risk, but there’s risk to everything. There’s risk every time you jump in the pool, every time you get in a car. That doesn’t keep you from living your life.”

“This is different than that, and you know it. I’m sorry, Charlie, but it’s over.”

“You told me you loved me. Hell, you got pissed when I wouldn’t say it back right away because I wanted to be absolutely sure. Are you saying now that you lied? That you don’t love me?”

“No, I didn’t lie, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t risk my future or my family just because … it doesn’t matter. Things change, Charlie. People fall out of love; they fall in love with new people. I’ll always love you, but that isn’t a good reason to stay together. If we were older, established in our lives, maybe. But right now, I just can’t.”

“So you’re throwing it all away?”

“I’m making the right choice for me. Please … leave. Don’t call me again.”

I nodded and left. She clearly made up her mind, if she didn’t want to be with me, I wasn’t going to keep forcing the issue. I’d hoped it was just her dad pressuring her, and he was, but she’d listened to him.

The worst part was, I wasn’t even sure she was wrong. Aaron’s dad would definitely go after her if he thought it could hurt me, especially once he found out her dad was working with my lawyer. Even knowing that, I couldn’t believe she’d actually done it. I really needed her and hoped she would stick with me. The whole, through thick and thin thing.

This had proved to me that I’d been right not to commit to love until I was sure. I’d had my doubts, and clearly, I’d been right.

I went home and locked myself in my room, which is where I still was the next morning, sprawling across my bed where I’d fallen when I’d come home. I was still staring up at my ceiling, replaying everything that had happened, having added Sydney’s final declaration, breaking up with me, to the end. A perfect coda to the last week and a half.

I was still dressed in the clothes I wore to school yesterday. The only thing that broke the quiet was the rumbling of my stomach, reminding me I hadn’t eaten since … when? Breakfast yesterday? I couldn’t even remember, not that I really cared. Kat and Mrs. Philips had both tried to convince me to have dinner with them, but I’d told them I wasn’t hungry or in the mood to talk. Really, I just wanted to be left alone, with my thoughts and despair.

I think I’d fallen asleep at some point, but it was hard to remember. I was just thinking I might fall asleep again, or at least close my eyes, to get some variety from staring at the ceiling, when my phone started to ring. I picked it up, still having a small piece of hope thinking it might be Sydney. It wasn’t. It was Kent.

This was going to be bad news. He’d left things unfinished in our last call, just acknowledging my court case and the effect it was going to have on the gigs we had scheduled. I’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop since then. For a moment, I almost didn’t answer. He couldn’t fire me if he didn’t talk to me, could he?

Of course, that wasn’t really an option. He absolutely could fire me without talking to me, and I wasn’t the kind of person to just hide from bad news, especially if it was part of my responsibilities. I’d signed up for this, and knew it was a possibility the day I’d signed my name on the contract.

I gave a deep sigh and accepted the call.

“Hello,” I said, my voice coming out as a hoarse whisper.

“I’m sorry, Charlie, but we’re pulling your contract,” he said, getting right to the point, without any of the normal pleasantries.

“I see,” I said.

I couldn’t even muster up the effort to be surprised. I’d seen this coming since my last call with him. Honestly, I’d been surprised when he didn’t fire me outright then, but I guess he had to check with people or lawyers first.

“Based on the moral turpitude section of your contract, you’re expected to maintain a certain level of behavior. Clearly, your being arrested and charged with murder is outside this level of behavior, which is the official reason you’re having your contract canceled. You should receive paperwork to this effect in the next several days, but I wanted to call and let you know personally.”

What could I say? They had made it clear when I signed that they were going to try and pitch me to the pop audiences, and that I was expected to meet that standard. I guess if I’d had a rap or metal career, they could have used this to build up a rep, but who heard of a pop star who’d served time for murder?

“Yeah,” I said when he paused, feeling like I needed to say something.

“I want you to know I fought for you, Charlie. I really did. But the situation, you have to understand, it isn’t good for the image we were trying to build for you. We banked on using your age to sell your music, kind of like those kids coming up out of California. The court case though, it destroyed all of that.”

“The charges are all bullshit, though. I didn’t kill anyone. I defended myself from my alcoholic father. Hell, you dealt with him, you know what he was like. The sheriff here even agrees, and is working with my lawyer to get the charges thrown out. This is going to go away.”

“It doesn’t matter, Charlie. You’re right; I do remember your father. Unfortunately, so do the partners. He created a lot of opinions around here against you. I’ve been trying to warn you about it. You needed to keep a low profile, give them time to forget about him. This is the opposite of that. The partners feel you’re too much of a liability.”

“A liability,” I repeated back.

“Yes. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is. We’ve canceled all scheduled tour dates, including Miami, and we’ve pulled all promotion for them. There will be no new shows scheduled by us and you cannot use any MAC resources to schedule new ones, should your restrictions be lifted. You are, from today, no longer represented by MAC Records.”

“What about the album?” I asked.

It was out there, on streaming platforms. That wasn’t the same as canceling gigs.

“You’ll still get residuals from any sales and streaming, but while we’re not going to pull you off platforms right away, we will stop distributing physical copies and we are ending all promotional support for it. Sales will start tapering off to the point where it will be no longer worth keeping the copy up and available, which is when it will be pulled off streaming. Expect to see a fast decline in your sales once we pull the promotions, and then a slow and steady decline the rest of the way until residuals stop entirely, which will probably take four to six months.”

“So just like that, it’s over?”

“It’s not just like that, Charlie. I’ve been warning you about your reputation. You should have seen you were in trouble when you got shot down for the charity gig last month. You needed to keep everything squeaky clean for a year. You didn’t do that. You had to know this was coming. The decision’s been made.”

“Okay,” I said.

What could I say? The decision had been made. My music career was over.

“I’m sorry again,” he said, and hung up.

I tossed my phone aside and stared up at the ceiling. What was I supposed to do now? Eventually, the case would be pulled or the pretrial conditions would change and I’d be allowed to play at the Blue Ridge again, but then what? Just spend the rest of my life playing at this one club every night? The people around here would get tired of me sooner or later and stop coming to hear me play.

Did I want to stay here and go back to playing backup to Willie? He was retiring, so that wasn’t even an option. I guess I could front his band, take over for him, but all those guys were sixty-plus. How many years were they going to keep playing?

I guess I could try to make it traveling around, getting whatever gigs I could at bars and stuff. I laughed out loud, in spite of myself. I kept saying I didn’t want to become my father, and here I was, thinking about becoming exactly who he was, just a few years earlier.

If I couldn’t go back and finish high school, it was basically that or washing dishes somewhere. I pulled a pillow over my head. Maybe if I stayed here, in bed, forever, I wouldn’t have to face any of that. Not a practical decision, but what else was there to do?

I felt … pent up. Anger, despair, and fear all piling up inside of me. I screamed, trying to get it out. I didn’t feel any better afterward. I was still lying here, stuck.

***

“Charlie, are you okay?” Kat’s voice came through the door.

I didn’t reply right away. I hadn’t wanted to worry them, but I had to get the feelings out. I also didn’t really want to talk to anyone. I just didn’t feel like I had it in me today.

“Charlie, I’m not going away. I’ll keep knocking until you open the door,” she said, reading my mind.

I lay there for several minutes, the pillow pressed to my head, trying to block out her voice. She persisted, though. I knew Kat well enough to know that now that she’d declared she wasn’t leaving until I opened the door, she wouldn’t leave even if it took all night.

With a sigh, I pulled myself off the bed and trudged over to open the door. Kat stood there, eyes wide, taking in my disheveled appearance. I probably looked as bad as I felt.

“Are you okay? I mean, I know you’re not okay, but you screamed. Did you hurt yourself?”

She was looking at my arms and hands. I didn’t know if she meant did I fall down and accidentally hurt myself or did I do something on purpose, but either way, I couldn’t just blow her off. She had been doing so well with her anxiety disorder. I knew she was worried about me, and if she thought I was becoming self-destructive, her anxiety would get worse. As bad as I felt and as little as I wanted to talk to anyone else, I couldn’t do that to her.

“I just needed to let off some steam,” I said, not meeting her gaze.

She moved so fast it startled me, throwing her arms around me and pulling me into a tight hug.

“Talk to me, please. You’re scaring me.”

The fear in her voice almost broke me. She was my best friend. I loved her so much and didn’t want to do anything to hurt her.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, hugging her back.

“Can I come in and sit with you? Just tell me what’s happened since you left for school yesterday. They said you were expelled. When I got home, you were already up here. I don’t even know if you heard us trying to talk to you.”

“Yeah, I heard you. I just … I couldn’t answer.”

“I understand,” she said, pulling back and putting her hands on either side of my face. “You know I, more than anyone else, understand. I’m asking you to talk to me the way you made me talk to you, back then. Please.”

My shoulders sagged. I couldn’t say no. She knew it too, that’s why she’d used this tactic.

“Okay,” I said, and went to sit on the bed.

She followed after me, sitting down right next to me, pressed against my side.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Kent called,” I said, mumbling in little more than a whisper. “They’ve canceled my contract.”

She gasped, her hand flying to her mouth.

“Why?”

“The same reason Marco quit … because I can’t perform. I’d already told them I had to at least cancel the Philadelphia show, although I’d tried to convince Kent to give me time to try and get the pretrial conditions changed. His bosses don’t want to do that. They were already going to have to eat promotion costs for Philadelphia and a penalty for canceling. That, on top of all the stuff with Dad, made me non-profitable, I guess. Although the reason they gave was because of the moral turpitude clause in my contract. Apparently, they don’t want acts with an underage lead on trial for murder.”

“Even though you did nothing?”

“I guess. I’m not sure if just getting accused is enough, or if I have to be found guilty, but that’s what they said the reason was.”

“It can’t be just getting accused. Being accused of something you’re innocent of isn’t a crime or even morally wrong.”

“I guess,” I said. “That’s not all though.”

“They did something else other than firing you?”

“No, but Sydney did. She broke up with me.”

“That bitch,” Kat said, starting to stand up. “I’m going to …”

“… do nothing,” I said, finishing her sentence. “Her dad told her about how the district attorney is after me, and that he’s worried the DA might go after my friends and family for stuff too, or at least make their lives hard, to get at me. He isn’t wrong. It’s something I worry about for you guys. If I do manage to get off on these charges, there’s a strong chance he’ll try something else, and it might just be that. We’re still young and she’s got a lot to lose. College and whatever.”

“You’re too understanding. That bitch needs to pay.”

“Maybe, but if I didn’t go after Rhonda for straight out cheating on me, with Aaron of all people, what kind of a hypocrite would I be to go after Sydney for listening to her father and trying to protect herself.”

“You should have gone after Rhonda.”

“Maybe, but it doesn’t matter now. It’s not like I’d want someone I had to bully to get back with me in the first place. If she can’t stand with me through all this, is she really the person I thought she was?”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Just, don’t give her a hard time, okay? She looks up to you. It would suck if you started being mean to her.”

“You’re a better person than I am.”

“Am I? My life is in absolute shambles. You heard right, by the way, they did expel me from school. Apparently, the administration feels I am a danger to the student body, because not only am I expelled, but I’m also not allowed on school property or to attend any school events, not even as a spectator.”

“Damn,” she said.

I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees, holding my head in my hands. Kat immediately wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry,” she said in a soft voice. “This is all so unfair.”

What could I say? We just sat there in silence for several minutes, with her gently rubbing my back. Eventually, she broke the silence.

“You can’t just stay in your room, Charlie. You need to start moving forward again.”

“Why? Just to give them more stuff to destroy? What’s the point?”

Okay, so I was pouting, but I felt like I’d earned it.

“Because giving up means you have no chance,” she said, suddenly more firm. “Something Dr. Rothstein always tells me is I can’t just bottle everything up and hide from my emotions, or eventually they’ll end up controlling me. Which they did, for a long time. Bottling up everything just makes it harder. Your life isn’t over. Yes, you’ve been dealt a shitty hand and there are people trying to cause you actual harm. And you know what, giving up just lets them win. It lets your dad win. Is that what you want?”

“Of course not!” I said, agitated. “But what can I do? I’ve already lost my record contract. My band has already fallen apart. I’ve already lost my girlfriend. What else is there to lose?”

“A lot. You didn’t even have this contract a year ago. You’re telling me without it, there’s no point? They took your talent with your contract? I know you can’t play right now, but that will change and, at the very least, you’ll go back to filling the Blue Ridge. You did that every weekend before you had a record contract. I know it’s not stardom or fame, but it’s not nothing. Most people can’t do that. And you’re not alone. You have me. You have Hanna. You have Mrs. Philips. You have Chef. There are so many people in your corner, Charlie.”

“Then why do I feel so alone?”

“Because you want to be. You feel like the world has taken a crap all over you, and you want to feel alone, so you can just give up.”

“I don’t think …” I started to say, but she kept talking.

“You know, there once was this girl. She’d given up. Her whole life she’d been shown that her only value was in serving other people, giving what she could offer them. She felt like her life had no meaning, like there was no one she could really talk to. She felt useless, so she went through life letting people do whatever they wanted to her. She let them use her however they wanted. She thought if she just gave a little more, then they would actually care about her. She believed it was the only thing she was good for. Then this boy came along. He showed her that she was valuable just by herself. That she didn’t need to use other people to feel safe or strong. That she could feel that way all the time if she was willing to do the work.”

It wasn’t hard to work out who she was talking about, but it didn’t seem to really apply to me.

“I’m not sure what …”

“Do you think you’re only worth your record contract? That Sydney is the only person who’ll ever love you? Is that all you are? You’re acting like it is. The only way you could have lost everything is if that was all you were.”

“No, I don’t think that,” I said, knowing she had a point. “But what am I supposed to do? I don’t even know how to start.”

“You get mad, Charlie,” she said, not even hesitating. “You channel all of the anger and rage you’ve been shoving deep inside, all of that sadness, the frustration, into something you can use. These people have underestimated you. Aaron’s dad, he thinks you’re just a kid that he can roll right over. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have made all of his moves so blatant. You’ve got Mr. Eaves out there working for you, but he needs to know you don’t just want to get out from under this, you want to get even. This case is going to fall apart, we all know that. Hell, you’ve even got the sheriff trying to clear your name. When he does, you need to make sure they can’t ever try something like this again.”

“That still leaves me back where I started, without a record contract or anything.”

“It leaves you with your talent. You are the most amazing musician I’ve ever heard. You’re better than all of the people they play on the radio, and MAC isn’t the only record company on the planet. So you keep working. I’m not saying it will be easy, but if anyone can do it, you can. You also take the fight back to MAC. You didn’t do anything wrong, and they pulled your contract because of it? That’s bullshit. I know it seems like they have all the power here, but they don’t. They don’t even know who they’re messing with. You show them. You show Mr. Packer. You show Mr. Campbell. Stop pretending like you’re some loser and start remembering you’re Charlie fucking Nelson.”

“You’re really good at this,” I pointed out with a smile.

“No shit. Now, get out of this room, go take a shower because you smell like shit, and start getting your life back together.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. This wasn’t anything like the Kat I knew. Maybe it was the actual Kat, the one she kept hidden from everyone. I really liked this version of her.

“Okay. I’ll try.”

“Don’t just try. You know the motto of Grand Master …”

“No. Nope. I don’t need to hear quotes from your sci-fi movies. Consider my pep talk successfully delivered.”

“Good. If you need a refresher, you know where to find me.”