“Ya Lost Today, Kid. Doesn’t Mean You Have To Like It.”

That quote doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. It’s just from that first scene in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.” That movie came out in 1989, when I was about five, and I can’t say that I saw it for the first time until a bit later. But, when I did, it was around that age where most of us start having sexual awakenings. I was an odd kid, and I’m not sure who did it for me: Harrison Ford, or Sean Connery (I never bought in to the teenybopper thing, so I couldn’t give hide nor hair about River Phoenix, rest in peace.)

But that movie taught a few fun lessons to a budding adolescent mind: A good story, told well, can change you; I wasn’t the only person who had a strained relationship with her father; Nazis suck; The ancient city of Petra looks like an absolutely gorgeous place (Hi, by the way — I promise I haven’t forgotten you!); the “No ticket” scene is arguably one of the funniest scenes ever committed to celluloid; and I have an irrational belief that random objects belong in a museum. Not too bad for a couple of hours.

So, yeah, what can I say. I’ve got a serious jones for Indiana Jones. I’m just a human being with two eyes attached to a heart, after all. (For the record, when I was still a little kid, I loved the Temple of Doom, but I really can’t stand it right now, because it’s a little corny. And, as far as I’m concerned, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a movie I would try to protect any children I might one day have from ever seeing, in the same way some families try to protect their children from the idea that pornography or heavy-metal music exists.)

As much as I love Last Crusade, one of my top-five favorite movies (and I usually shy away from the question of “what’s your favorite movie,” because it’s a mood thing, you know?) is Raiders of the lost Ark. I think Spielberg has commented that, in his own opinion, it’s the only truly perfect movie he’s ever made, at least insomuch as he wouldn’t go back and change anything. I have to agree. It is perfect. From that first opening scene in that Peruvian jungle, The basket turning scene — complete with that frenetic soundtrack, and the faceoff with the large, machete-wielding man-in-black, that was originally going to be a prolonged fight scene, but Harrison Ford had dysentery, so they just had him shoot the guy, which was HYSTERICAL — to the truck chase, to that odd moment in my young brain when I found the dark comedy of that guy getting his face melted off, to ALSO having an interestingly constructed crush on Karen “I’m your god-damn partner!” Allen (Marion)... certain movies just hit you.

I’m going to post this image above to Instagram sometime next week, because it was born from fun, and why the hell not. But, I wanted to give you a sneak preview first. It was the end result of a fun little challenge I had with a friend of mine, who is a really talented tattoo artist, of all things. I threw him a few bucks, because I value the time and talent of creative people, and think that now, more than ever, it’s important that we support and nurture the creative spirit whenever, and in whatever small ways, we can. so, I told him to take creative freedom, completely, with only the following sentence as inspiration:

“To hell if I know... last I heard, Heather was off in some Peruvian jungle, hunting down a golden fertility idol; I mean, who even uses bullwhips anymore?”

Anyway, this is what he came back with. And I have to say, I positively adore it. Tongue-in-cheek, on point, dramatic and a little epic, but just a whole shit load of fun.

Plus, there’s a strong element of humor in it. In the movie, Indy replaced the statue with a bag of sand. That didn’t work out for him very well. In this case, my right boob seems to be doing the job just fine… But I can kind of tell, from the blank expression in this figure’s eyes, that she hasn’t quite thought through this whole process.

“Yes, got it! Now... ummm... what next...”

Perhaps somebody could warn her…If only she spoke Hovitos!