Schmear! - A Bagel Recipe

It's funny the things you miss. Back home, there was this outstanding Jewish deli near my place, and I would head down there all the time... They had this $5 breakfast special that was a cup of coffee plus a bagel with smoked salmon, red onion, capers, cream cheese — classic lox. God, those were good bagels. 

It was around that time, too, that I learned how to actually make bagels. I'm not sure why — I think it was just a kick I was on. But a friend of mine had learned how to make them from his own grandmother who, in her town's small Jewish community way-back-when, was the lady who made the bagels. So basically, how could I pass up a bagel-making Masterclass with only one degree of separation? 

It took some trial and error, I must admit, but at this point, I'm actually really good at making these things, if I do say so myself. A little crunch on the outside; chewy on the inside; a little schmear; and you're good to go.

This knowledge has served me well, as lately, I've become my town's Bagel Lady. Bagels aren't really a thing here; baking is an amazing way to pass the time and kill the quarantine blues; and I just get a kick out of feeding people things they've never tried before, so it works. 

So, if you'd like, I'll be happy to share the results of my labor here, in classic Heather-hates-how-cookbooks-are-written lingo. 

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First, take a big bowl. 4 cups of flour; a cup-ish of water; couple of teaspoons of salt; couple of teaspoons of yeast. Then, knead the shit out of it, to the point where your arms start burning — you're gonna want to get those gluten chains all unlocked. The consistency you're going to want to end up with is not wet, but not dried out, either — a big, smooth wad of dough that doesn't stick to your fingers. 

Divide that dough into six balls, and roll each ball between your hands so you end up with a bunch of dough snakes. Turn those snakes into circles, squish the ends together, and put them on a sheet of parchment paper. 

Now, this is the part that blew my mind — you don't let the dough proof like you would with a loaf of bread. You're going to take these dough circles, and stick them in the fridge for, like, 24 hours. I know, it's totally jacked: how does the yeast do its thing if everything's just sitting in a fridge for a day? 

24 Hours Later...

Preheat your oven to 375F, and get a pot of water boiling. Now, if you HAVE it, the best thing to put into the water is two tablespoons of malted barley flour. You probably DON'T have it, because what the hell is this stuff, and it's not like it's a kitchen staple. But it is available in some baking sections (probably a bit more of a Whole Foods-y thing), or on Amazon for like, $5 for a giant bag. You don't NEED it. You can get by with a couple of tablespoons of sugar if you're in a pinch, I guess... But you know that slightly sweet-but-earthy crust you get on a really good bagel? That's MBF (as the cool kids call it), and when you float the bagels in the water, the dough actually gets a little caramelized. Just gorgeous. 

Whatever you're going with, take the bagels out of the fridge. They'll look a lot like they did yesterday, maybe a little more puffy. Then, plunk a few of them in the boiling water, making sure not to crowd the pot. They'll float on the surface, and like those weird little pills you'd drop in water when you were a kid, the ones that would turn into little sponge dinosaurs, they'll start to puff up like crazy. I like to keep the bagels bobbing around for about 4 minutes. 3 on one side, then flip 'em, and one more minute on the other.

You know how some gardeners will say that the tomatoes turn out better if they listen to music while they're growing? I find the bagels turn out better if you play Hava Nagilah on a ukulele. Here are the chords, just in case you would like to follow this important step:

[A] Hava nagilah

[A7] Hava nagilah

[Dm] Hava nagilah

[A] venis' mecha

Scoop them out with a slatted ladle (or fork, or whatever, they're not delicate and won't collapse or anything), and plop them onto a baking sheet that's lined with parchment paper (this stuff is the absolute best, and you need it, so just grab a roll). 

At this point, they're still nice and wet, so this is when you put on whatever toppings you'd like. Your girl Heather's a huge everything bagel fan, but since I can't find poppy seeds or sesame seeds to save my life, I just stick with rock salt and garlic. Sprinkle sprinkle, and you're good to go. (The barley flour or sugar helps the toppings to stick better than if you were just do plain water, BTW.)

A note on garlic. I make my own. Just take a bulb of garlic, peel, and be prepared to spend a little while with a knife, cutting it into tiny little chunks. Spread the garlic chunks on a cookie sheet — parchment paper again! — and put them in the oven for, like, 2 hours on a super-low temperature. You're not trying to cook them, just dehydrate them, so... like, 120F? Anyway, once it's completely dry, you can just dump it into a jar and keep it for when you need it. 

Anyway, once everything's all seasoned up, stick the tray in the oven for about 18 to 20 minutes, or until they have a pretty gold color to them. Then take them out, put them on a wire rack, and let them cool for about 10 minutes before slicing one open. 

I'm not entirely sure if this is going to go viral (#bagelchallenge? Everything becomes a challenge these days...), but bagels are delicious, and we've all gotta have hobbies. So, if you try it out, let me know how it goes! Feel free to hit me up if you've got any questions!