Searching for a Term

Diary Excerpt, July 2017

When this particular word I had never heard before stumbled its way into my vocabulary, I journalism-ed, and tried to learn as much as I possibly could about it. 

The first listings on google said that gigantomastia, or macromastia, was basically an excessive growth of the breast. I think the Wikipedia entry said that it technically qualified as breasts that weigh 3% of total body weight (great way to make a girl feel noticed, remind her of how chubby she is everywhere else, too), but I eventually came to understand that that’s just a broad number they throw at it sometimes. 

Gigantomastia doesn’t get any fundraisers. It’s a non-life threatening disease that can theoretically be addressed through surgery. And it’s so rare, that not a lot of people know about it at all, even healthcare professionals. There’s no “cure” for huge boobies that’ll just shrink them back down to normal, so it’s not like there’s any research going on about it. 

You get a little farther along, and you see some pretty crazy cases. There’s one woman in Indonesia I think, who was way bigger than I am. Hers got so large that she could barely get out of bed, and even when she did walk, it was only for short distances, hunched over, as her tits flopped against her thighs, barely covered by an oversized orange shirt. She lived hundreds of miles from the nearest hospital, and thousands from the nearest qualified plastic surgeon, so in her case, she was shit out of luck until a TV show raised awareness. It’s on youtube somewhere. Pilma was her name. 

I don’t think I’ll get as large as Pilma. She apparently grew really quickly after having a child. Gestational too, but it’s been awhile and I’m nowhere near her size. I had a dream I was a couple of nights ago, though. It was kind of hazy and I only remember a few snippets of it, but it was the same shirt, and I was in the same hut that she was in in the video. It was like I was looking at myself trying to hoist myself up by grabbing onto a bamboo pole. I didn’t wake up terrified or anything… but it was one of those weird feeling of relief, that my boobs are still “small” enough that I can, you know, walk. 

And, I guess, Pilma and women like her are porn for some people. Or maybe there’s a line where boobs can be too big, even for the most self-professed of boob-man? Because it doesn’t take too much more poking around online to find videos and pictures on pornhub and such of women whose one defining physical characteristic is so a) socially considered as sexual, b) difficult to hide. Sure, there are busty videos. But it takes a little getting used to, seeing a video with a woman who’s smaller than you are still being referred to as “monster boobs”, or “freak tits.” Ugh, I’m so glad this didn’t happen in high school…

I already came to the conclusion that I’ve exceeded busty and have gotten solidly into “walking fetish” space. I know that. But these days, I’m able to step back from the mirror and admit that I would probably stare at me too. I don’t know if I would pull out an iPhone and start recording me at the grocery store (you punks know who you are), but I would probably believe that my eyes deceive me, like maybe that girl is just pregnant, but like a goat or something. And then, Nope, it’s just her tits, and how does that even work? And worse than that, I would probably lick my lips if I saw them on someone else. Feel free to stone the hypocrite. 

They’re swollen tonight, and I’ve been feeling rough the past couple days. Not sure if I’m just period-y or just fighting something off, but I really don’t think I can handle another fucking spurt right now if that’s what’s going on. Still a little paranoid of winding up like Pilma, I guess.