Chapter 831

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The warm, red glow of courage and determination as I resolve to give this everything I have, in spite of the sickly, greenish yellow of bitter, vitriolic antipathy I sometimes feel for this world, one which I have come to love in spite of all its flaws.

A fluttering light pink tinged with a hint of red of love and passion for my beloved wives fighting on the wall, followed by the darker pink of the general love and affection I hold for my family, friends, and floofs for whom I am fighting for.

The radiating blackness of raw, burning hatred for my foes, who continue to throw themselves at my allies with reckless abandon, paired with the cold, dark blue of disdain and frustration as I sympathize with how most are not in their right minds. Many of these Half-Demons are victims themselves, of circumstance and indoctrination, and some might even be my brothers in blood who I left behind, a thought which gives rise to the gloomy bluish grays of guilt and self-loathing.

Which brings me back to the warm red glow of courage and determination as I remember why I’m fighting in the first place. A vicious cycle I’ve been through many a time before, so I extricate myself before I get in too deep once again. Not without effort, because even though I’ve realized it’s not entirely right for me, I still find it difficult to struggle my way out from the comfortable surrender I’ve embraced, a new and different form of Balance from the one I’ve practiced since first setting foot upon the Martial Path. My original perspective on Balance saw it as a fixed state to strive for, an established foundation of unshakable emotional stability wherein I could emote without being overcome by them. Not the Empty Balance I strove for in JiangHu, the Balance of nothingness and abandon, but rather a Balance of Oneness in which every emotion was kept in its rightful place, or failing that, a Balance of immediate disregard in which I shutter all my emotions for the present time so that I can better control my Chi. Oneness was what I aimed for, immediate disregard is what I usually accomplished, but the end goal was always to create a perfectly Balanced system capable of regulating itself accordingly, matching a negative emotion with a positive emotion to stabilize, minimize, or even neutralize the aftereffects.

A flawed Balance, I see this now, because this is not a Balance within mortal means. This is the cold Balance of emotional regulation, not quite the same as the Eternal Emperor’s suppression, yet every bit as dispassionate and detached. Though we like to think of ourselves as higher beings, all the facts point towards the same conclusion, that humans are creatures of emotion, full stop. Of course, in our pursuit of Divinity, it would make logical sense to strive for becoming more than just human, more than a creature of base emotion, but one of logic and reasoning unaffected by emotion. This is the rationale behind the Eternal Emperor’s suppression of emotion, but he is not the only one to pursue the Dao in this manner. Zhen Shi tries to do the same, treading the Razor’s Edge to indulge in emotion so that he may rise above and beyond emotion to leave it all behind. The Brotherhood shares a similar philosophy, in viewing the Three Poisons as the root of all suffering, so if they are able to sever all their earthly desires, they believe they will then be freed from the shackles of emotion and in turn, the cycle of Reincarnation as they ascend to the next plane of existence.

At first glance, all three of these Paths appear to make perfect sense, for they all lead to a form of Balance in their own ways, yet I cannot help but feel like they’re all wrong. Not just for me, but in general, because while these forms of Balance are technically possible, they are ill-suited for the human condition. What I mean is that taken to the extreme, someone who has perfected any one of the aforementioned forms of Balance would no longer be human, and I don’t mean in a mortal versus Divinity sense. I’m talking about in a sense of human versus inhuman, because someone in complete control of their emotional state would be more akin to a robot than anything else. It’s like the all-too-common trope where humanity runs into an alien race that doesn’t understand emotion, and though they appear superior at first glance, their lack of emotion holds them back, so in the end, it’s the emotional humans who save the day. Maybe it’s illogical, but I feel like emotion is part and parcel of the human condition, so those forms of Balance just don’t sit right with me, and they never have, especially the Brotherhood’s take on it all. With the Eternal Emperor and Zhen Shi, I can understand that they’re complete psychopaths incapable of empathy, but the Brotherhood’s take on Balance is too fixed on the negatives without accounting for the positives, because while emotions might well be the root cause of the worst horrors humanity has to offer, it is also responsible for our very best.

In archaeology, one of the earliest signs of a civilization in a culture is evidence of a broken bone that has healed. Why? Because a broken bone requires about six weeks of rest to heal. In the animal kingdom, this means a broken bone is almost always a death sentence, since this is six weeks in which you can’t run, hunt, or even get up to go to the local watering hole for a drink. As such, you are destined to either become food for your predators, die of thirst or starvation, or succumb to your wounds due to lack of proper rest and treatment. A broken bone that has healed however, means that another person took the time to support and provide for the wounded while they healed, rather than abandoning them to their fate. My take on this is that without emotion, who would bother to go to all that trouble? I’m not saying animals are heartless, because they aren’t, but emotions are not the pitfall that the Eternal Emperor and the Brotherhood make them out to be.

And so here I am, studying my own emotions in an effort to discover what sort of human Balance I should strive for in my pursuit of Divinity, a decision that might well mean the difference between ultimate victory or defeat.

To be honest, I know the kind of Balance I want, I just don’t really know if it’s possible. Nor am I able to wholly describe what it actually entails, or know how to go about achieving it. I want the sort of Balance Buddy has, where he’s so in tune and enthralled by his emotions to the point where he can be so happy and excited to be having a treat despite being embroiled in a bitter fight for his life. It’s not that he’s unaware of the danger as he hides behind the Old Wolf and waits until it’s safe to strike, nor is he wholly ambivalent to the threat to his life as his little heart pounds away in his chest and he pants up a storm, but while those emotions are no less palpable than his glee and gluttony, Buddy focuses on what he feels is most important without being overly burdened by the rest. I don’t know how he does it, shunting those unwanted emotions aside without suppressing or ignoring them, but letting it all play out in the background while he focuses on the good bits, on the satisfaction of stuffing his face, the accomplishment of the hunt, the camaraderie between him and his new hunting partner, and the thrill of rising to the challenge and emerging victorious time and time again. This is a form of emotional surrender without struggle, and a stalwart struggle without surrender too, a paradox of quantum states in which Buddy’s emotions are perceived without influence, expressed without engagement, and experienced without any change to his overall disposition.

Or maybe I’m overcomplicating things. Maybe Buddy is just feeling happy and excited because those are the strongest emotions present, stronger than his fear, concern, sorrow, and everything else combined. I dunno. Either way, even after seeing his behavior and sharing in the experience through our bond of emotion, I have no idea how Buddy can immerse himself in so much joy without becoming Unbalanced. If I were to give myself over to any one emotion like he does, I would lose sight of Balance in the blink of an eye, rendering me incapable of driving Chi or Heavenly Energy through my Spiritual System to do anything of note. My emotions might well drive the Energy of the Heavens to some effect, but it would be wholly outside my control, yet Buddy is more than capable of Orating, Deflecting, and Devouring among so many other things whilst immersed in the sheer joy of this very moment. Everything I know regarding Balance tells me this should be impossible, that Buddy has tilted the scales too far in one extreme to be able to control the Energy of the Heavens, and yet there he stands in perfect Balance despite what his shared emotions would indicate.

I want this Balance, an unregulated, organic Balance that just comes so naturally to Buddy, without any need to struggle or surrender. All he needs to do is exist, and he is in Balance at any given time, even now on what might well be the happiest day of his life as he Devours the fifth Demon of the day with great relish and delight. I want the freedom to immerse myself in emotion, whether it be joy or depression, love or hatred, rage or contentment, or any other emotion which runs the gamut without having to worry about the consequences. Though the Balance of Oneness fits everything I know about Balance and whatnot, I just like Buddy’s form of Balance so much more, while the Balance of immediate disregard I’m so used to just seems exhausting after having seen how Buddy does it. I don’t want to put my emotions aside, because that’s just a temporary solution, leaving those emotions for future me to deal with because I can’t be bothered to deal with it now. Yes, it’s stupid, and yes, it's worked so far, but I know in my heart of hearts that if I tried to Ascend with the Balance I’m so familiar with, I would fail because the weight of my disregarded emotions has grown too large.

This weight is what drove me to such extremes in JiangHu, which almost resulted in disaster as I tried everything I could to abandon this life short of actual suicide. That’s not a healthy way to deal with emotion, which is why I’ve been parsing through all my current emotions in an effort to organize and colour coordinate them, because maybe then I can find a pattern and figure out how to emulate Buddy’s form of Balance.

Try as I might however, I make no headway in my investigation, because I am a man who spent two lifetimes embroiled in conflicting emotions, ones I tried my best to ignore, suppress, or just plain deny as much as I could until they became too much to ignore. I’m not great at allowing myself to feel emotions, not like how Buddy does it. Dad too, now that I think about it, who is emanating an Aura of passion, excitement, defiance, and general contempt, giving himself wholly over to the thrill of battle which has been the love of his life for so long. In many ways, his form of Balance emulates Buddy’s, though not taken to such extremes, and it is only now that I realize I can parse through Dad’s emotions as well. Not just from his Emotional Aura, kindled in a moment of need thanks to a small gift of usable Heavenly Energy from Buddy, but rather from a more intimate source, for his emotions are being broadcast through not only his Aura, but his actions and expressions as well.

Everyone broadcasts their emotions all the time. I just needed to learn how to listen, and as I tap into the currents of information flowing out of Dad, I uncover a simple truth that should have been evident from the start. He is harnessing the Energy of the Heavens through emotions, which isn’t anything new, but the manner in which he does so is different from how I would do it. He isn’t severing his emotions and giving them over to the Heavens, he is indulging in his emotions and allowing the Heavens to share in the experience. Similar to how the Defiled would do so, yet Dad remains wholly Balanced and in control, which just seems crazy to me because every time I’ve allowed myself to indulge in emotion did not end well.

Eager for more perspective to help define what Balance should be, I struggle to free myself from the Eternal Emperor’s steely grip, but to no avail. Luckily he seems distracted, so he doesn’t react to my efforts, but that doesn’t leave me any less stuck. With no other choice, I set to Scrying around Shi Bei which is almost as good as seeing things firsthand, and the first person I check on is not one of my wives or any of my floofs, but my big sister who has done so much for me. Except not because I’m worried about her, or rather, more worried about Alsantset than anyone else, but because my reasons for checking on her are somewhat selfish and self-serving. Her Dao is so similar to Dad’s that it should be easy to compare and contrast how they approach Balance, which is why I’ve come to her first, though I doubt she’d hold my relative lack of concern against me since she knows I worry enough as is.

My big sister loves battle and bloodshed as much as Dad does, but the difference here is that her love of family does not merely match her love of battle, and in fact supersedes it. Not to say Dad loves us less, or Alsantset loves us more, but rather that the absolute values are maxed, only the ratios are evenly matched in Dad, while skewed more in favour of family for Alsantset. What does this mean in terms of emotions? For starters, Alsantset’s determination is tinged with fear and anxiety, whereas Dad’s emotions are completely devoid of all doubts and concerns. This doesn’t mean my sister is a coward, nor is she lessened by her apprehension, but rather the opposite. Her fear does not control her, nor does she allow it to overwhelm her, and instead she uses it to hone her courage and determination whilst driving her to new heights of fury and strength. The fear is a part of her she will never deny, and it reminds her of what she’s fighting for, a reminder which emboldens her with conviction and resolve. She cannot fall here today, because then her children would be without a mother, her husband without a wife, her parents without a daughter, and her brother without a sister. Because of all this and more, she fights that much harder whilst risking her life time and time again, laughing defiantly against the odds because she has something worth fighting for, and more importantly, something worth living for.

If Dad’s courage is the bright, burning red of courageous fervor, Alsantset’s is similar but tinged with hints of pink and blue for love and dedication, the courage of a mother, daughter, and sister which surpasses even that of a Warrior.

Mila’s fiery ringlets are easy to pick out amongst the crowd, her freckled features scrunched up in fetching determination as she hunkers down behind her shield and holds firm against her foes. There is a thread of anger and pique floating close to the surface, a dark green indignation over how this battle is so unfair, but it is drowned out by the light grey of stoic determination as she rises to the challenge and gives it her all. These Transcended Half-Demons surpass her in speed, strength, skill, and more, but she fights on with the stubborn determination I know and love, emotions tempered with the radiant golden glow of fearless pride and enduring tenacity built on a foundation of hard work and unrivalled talent. Even though she knows she is outmatched, she will never back down, because where there is life, there is hope, and so she fights on without despair. Either the Imperials will win, or she will escape to fight another day, for she is Sumila of the People, a woman and Warrior who refuses to die here today.

Standing beside her, Li-Li’s lithe figure makes for a stunning contrast as she dances about her sister, her feet never slowing and her sabre never stopping even for a moment. Again, she knows she is outmatched, but victory or defeat means little to her, as she has given herself over to the fight and has eyes for nothing else. A pure, luminous glow, one which is absent of all colour, that is how I would describe Li-Li’s single-minded determination, a heroic and indefatigable will which is focused on the moment and nothing else. There is no seed of doubt sprouting in the back of her mind, no concern to be had regarding the ultimate victory or defeat of the Imperials here in Shi Bei. In fact, Li-Li pays no mind to the overall battle save to care about how it will affect her fight on the wall, as she calculates her current move, her next move, and perhaps a handful more while accounting for the actions and reactions of her foes. That is all she cares about, the fight and nothing else, wholly fixated on hindering her opponents for as long as she can and killing them wherever she can. Why? Because she is determined to keep her sister safe, the sister she loves and admires with all her heart, which is all that matters here and now as they fight side by side.

The scything winds cut down a dozen Half-Demons and a small cheer rises up in response, the work of my beloved Yan. Her emotions are far more turbulent and unstable, for despite the assured and almost arrogant expression she wears so well as she fights with all her heart, she has always been one to hide and harbour her doubts. Unlike me however, Yan doesn’t let these shake her will to fight on, but much like Alsantset, she uses her doubts as a whetstone to temper her pride and drive her to even greater heights. Despite being one of the strongest and most Talented Warriors of her generation, she does not see herself as a peerless talent and holds no aspirations to being a phoenix among cranes. No, Yan believes all her accomplishments are the result of training, preparation, and luck alone, and to be fair, that is a large part of it, but she gives herself too little credit and is blind to far too many of her strengths. In this, she’s much like me, so hard on herself despite her unmatched accomplishments, and even now she is internally chastising herself for not being able to do more. These doubts cast her emotions with a faint hue of unsettling green in an otherwise calm sea of noble blue and courageous red, all dancing atop a field of cold, stoic dark grey that almost appears black at times. A necessity, this callous disregard for the death of so many, because unlike Mila and Song, Yan is not fighting as a Warrior alone, but as an Officer and leader in command of a thousand Warriors. While Mila commands as well, she does so by virtue of strength, while leaving the minutiae of leadership to her underlings. Not so with Yan, who shoulders the heavy burden with pride and does everything she can to support those who follow her lead. This is evident to all, and her soldiers draw courage and determination from knowing they are led and supported by a Warrior who sees them as more than just meat for the meat grinder but genuinely cares for them. Though Mila’s Blessing of the Sun has proven equally devastating as Yan’s Blessing of Wind, the latter has won the hearts of the Imperial soldiers because they can see that she has taken it upon herself to become a pillar of the army, a responsibility she holds in the highest of esteem even as she mourns for the soldiers she’s lost.

In stark contrast, Luo-Luo is no Warrior or leader, this she wholeheartedly believes, but as I watch her bleeding fingers pluck away at the Domain-Plated strings of her zither, I wholeheartedly disagree. Though she might not have the full training or ingrained instincts of a Warrior born, it is clear she possesses the heart of one at the very least. A pleasant, relaxing orange-red ambiance emanates outwards with every note that she plays, one filled with the hope of the rising sun which brings with it a brand-new day, but these are the emotions she chooses to broadcast, not the emotions she herself feels. Those are more difficult to describe, for I sense in her the noble purple glow of pride and conceit without the ugly veneer of arrogance, disdain, or pretension. A result of her bloodline, which she takes great pride in, being only one generation removed from the current Emperor, whatever that’s worth. I don’t put much stock in bloodlines and lineages, but clearly, Luo-Luo cares deeply for it, as do many others who see the Imperial Clan and five Supreme Families as undoubtedly superior to the rest. Because of her upbringing however, she embodies the best traits of nobility while eschewing the worst, a kind, considerate, charitable woman without the haughty airs so many nobles succumb to. Others always thought I was taking on too much by trying to single-handedly feed the provinces and raise their standard of education and living, but Luo-Luo went right along with it because in her eyes, that is what the mantle of nobility entails, to make the decisions for the betterment of all mankind, an attitude which makes her inner beauty shine even brighter than her considerable outer beauty. As she plays her heart out on the walls of Shi Bei, there is no regret in her heart, no sorrow regarding her possibly impending death, no grief or dissatisfaction over having been dragged into this conflict against her will. Instead, she is honoured to be here fighting alongside the heroes of the Empire and proud to provide what little assistance she can, all with a graceful dignity and grand distinguished virtue which I’ve fallen head over heels in love with.

She is genuinely too good for me, but then again, all my wives are, which means I need to work all the harder to ensure I never disappoint any one of them.

As for Lin-Lin, who I’ve loved for so long, her emotions are all but impossible to describe. There’s a streak of dark fear and gloomy concern, but also radiant glee and glowing pride as she moves to support Luo-Luo, who she only now just noticed was struggling on her own. My sweet, cherubic wifey has more or less mastered the art of transferring Life Force to those she loves, and even though I know she is an Ancestral Beast and likely has more than enough to spare, it pains me to see her giving up what might well be years, decades, or even centuries of life for a cause she doesn’t entirely care for. In Lin-Lin’s eyes, war is no different from the changing seasons, an unstoppable phenomenon which she tolerates and endures because she has no other choice. There will never be an end to the war against Defiled, but even if there was one, it would only lead to a different sort of war, because that is human nature. Thus, she sees no point in being here, but she supports us all nonetheless, and she has never once tried to dissuade me from pursuing my Dao. Because of this, she has suffered through the most turbulent period of her life when she should instead be happy, safe, and cherished, meaning she suffers only for love of me. To make matters worse, circumstances forced her to reveal her status as an Ancestral Beast, so even if we survive the battle here in Shi Bei, she might well be forced to spend the rest of her life running or hiding from pursuers seeking to enslave her against her will. I’ve stolen an untold number of years of safety and anonymity away from her, a debt which I can never repay, yet she holds no grudge against me nor blames me for her woes, and still strives to support me and everyone she loves as best she can in spite of the dark future awaiting her.

Again, Lin-Lin’s Balance is also quite similar to Buddy’s, in which they give themselves wholly over to the strongest emotion present, yet my sweet wifey has never once shown any sign of Imbalance, and might well be the most Balanced person I know. A contradiction which I am unable to resolve, because in my mind, Balance has been cemented as net-neutral emotion, yet time and time again I am seeing that this is not the case.

Which means my fundamental understanding of Balance must be inherently and intrinsically flawed.

So what is Balance? The question puts me in mind of a conversation I once had with Fung, and I find him fighting on the walls of Shi Bei beside his lady love. What a match they make, wielding their swords in hand as they support one another against foes far too strong for them to face, moving in near perfect coordination as Ryo Seoyoon follows Fung’s lead without hesitation. My friend has come far since we first met in Shen Huo, and as I watch his sword trace a path through the air and catch the faintest hints of Sword Intent surging within, I am unable to even guess at what heights he will eventually reach. The lyrical lines of his incomprehensible poetry flow out without pause, and the measured cadence of his speech aligns his breathing to the rhythm of the Heavens which empowers him even further. Even more impressive is how his poems enable Seoyoon to do the same, but only because she has wholly given herself over to him in mind and soul, if not body, and thus able to match his flow as the Energy of the Heavens surge around them.

I have always believed that Fung is one of the greatest talents of our generation, but I never knew how talented until now. If given another hundred years of conflict to pursue his Dao, I believe Fung has it in him to become the second Ying Zheng, a Warrior with the strength to conquer the Empire and unite all the lands behind him. No wonder his advice was so sound, delivered so nonchalantly over dinner as we ate around the fire only days after the purge ended, but before the siege of Sanshu had yet to truly begin. “Balance is a concept for which we humans are ill-suited,” he began, his cheeks still rosy-red from laughing at my naivete. “We are fragile, emotional creatures, capable of observation and thought which many scholars believe hinders our progress. Animals naturally seek Balance, but humans must reach for it, struggle to hold it, and there has yet to be a single person who has truly mastered it.”

Because there has yet to be the human equivalent of an Ancestral Beast, a human who reforged their body in the Energy of the Heavens to become something more than what they were before. The human Divinities we know of are false Divinities at best, though one could argue that Ancestral Beasts are also false Divinities, though most certainly less false than human Divinities. Then again, this might no longer be true considering what Zhen Shi only recently accomplished, reforging his body in the image of his soul and therefore the Eternal Emperor’s image as well, a feat I suspect the original was also able to accomplish, though he purposely left the details of his Path vague and indistinct. Thus, my goal is to match them in this, to become a true Divinity, because anything less will not bring me victory against my foe, but first I must answer the question of, “What is Balance?”

“You’ve confused Balance with morality.” Fung’s voice sounds out once again as the memory of our talk continues. “There is no right or wrong, no good or evil when it comes to Balance. Life and death are but two sides of the same coin, both required for the world to continue. Take for example a wildfire ravaging through a forest, destroying trees and killing wildlife without mercy. Many would see the flames as evil, but it is also a source of renewal. The dead trees nourish the soil and without them, the canopy no longer blocks out the sunlight, allowing for new growth to flourish. Some trees have even been noted to only produce seeds after a fire, meaning the forest cannot be sustained without the flames.”

“So you’re saying fire is good?”

That was my question, which goes to show I missed the point entirely, but my good friend answered patiently without judgement. “No, the fire is neither good nor evil, it is merely an agent of Balance. As humans, we allow our morals and philosophies to colour our judgment, which affects our ability to find Balance. Does the rabbit consider the wolf evil? Does a flower hate the deer? Perhaps they do, but each are merely acting in their nature. Morality is a human construct, Balance a natural one. It’s how people like the Shrike and Fu Zu Li retain Balance, they are merely doing what is required of them.”

Again, missing the point, I ask, “Then how come anger and rage are so bad for Balance?”

“It isn’t. Too muchanger is another thing altogether. Take all things in moderation. Laugh when you want to, cry when you must, fight when called upon, and stand up for what you believe.” Shrugging, Fung adds, “It’s all much easier said than done of course.”

And truer words had never been spoken. All this time I’ve been struggling to define Balance, but the truth is, there is no definitive answer. Balance is not a set state of mind to achieve, not a condition to aim for, but rather a goal to keep in mind at all times when pursuing the Dao. Balance is simply Balance, without any right or wrong answer regarding how to approach it, because there are a myriad of different ways to find Balance, but the goal is not as important as the path one takes to reach it. I’ve been asking the wrong question, namely, “What is Balance?”, when instead I should be asking, “What does Balance mean to me?”

Take the state of this world for example, which is inarguably in flux as Imperial and Defiled wage war against one another, giving rise to more suffering and Spectres, but also Balanced as a whole in that the Eternal Emperor possesses strength and power enough to end the Defiled threat as he pleases. As such, one could argue that the Eternal Emperor is a vital cog in the overall machine that makes up this world we all reside in, the linchpin to ensure Balance is retained regardless of whether the Defiled or Imperials win. The Defiled are the forest fire, the Imperials the forest, and the Emperor some guy sitting on the sidelines who can put out the fire or nourish the forest as he pleases.

This is Balance of a sorts, one I do not agree with, yet there is no denying that it is Balance all the same. The Heavens recognizes this, and in its natural pursuit of Balance, it empowers the Eternal Emperor even further, because even with Imperial and Defiled making a mess of the Empire, the Eternal Emperor only needs to shift his weight ever so slightly to tip the scales back to Balance. Is this why the Heavens failed me during my attempt to kill him? Is there a Will of the Heavens working to keep the world in Balance? If so, is that why I have memories of my past life? So that I can act as an agent of the Heavens and bring Balance to the Force – I mean, the world? But if that’s the case, why didn’t the Heavens work with me to kill the Eternal Emperor?

No, this is another mistake I’ve made before, and one I continue to make. I have a tendency to anthropomorphize everything, attributing human characteristics to things like animals, spirits, and the Heavens. What’s more, I’ve always been searching for a purpose of my existence, a reason to explain why I transmigrated here with my past life’s memories, but the truth is, I didn’t transmigrate. I reincarnated into this life as Amigui, who is part and parcel of who I am, but a part I continue to reject even after unveiling the truth I worked so hard to forget. I am no traveller to this foreign world, but a native to it. My memories of a past life are unique, but who’s to say I’m the only one with them? There are plenty of other talents out there who might well possess memories of a past life, like Dastan’s uncle Diyako, the ingenious inventor who knows more than he lets on, or Liu Xuande, the Imperial Scion turned brilliant military strategist. What about Gwangjong, the brilliant stonemason who understands more about structural engineering than I could even begin to describe? Or Cao Cao, the brilliant mathematician who does literal magic with numbers and is able to calculate the most efficient method to store goods on a ship or the best route for a caravan to take? Who’s to say none of them have awakened to memories of a past life which have enabled them to excel in their own way? What of those who have memories that don’t really help, like my love of floofs and desire for indoor plumbing? Or those who wake up and feel like life isn’t quite right, yet have no idea what it is they’re missing? All this and more could be attributed to the accumulations of past lives being brought to the forefront of one’s mind, yet not every past life will have something useful to offer. Then there’s also the matter of Ancestral Beasts, who still possess fleeting memories of their past lives as beasts, which isn’t all that different from what I’ve experienced here.

Which means that my past life’s memories are a part of me, but their existence can no longer define me.

The truth is, ever since I awakened to my past life’s memories, I’ve struggled to define who I am and why I am the way I am. I saw my arrival as the coming of the hero, someone destined for greatness, because if not, then why was I brought here in the first place, with memories that only plague me with how much better life could be? The problem is, I wasn’t brought here. I was born here, and I desperately wanted to be the hero, to have a purpose in life, to have a reason for survival so I could feel less guilty about killing my brother, but it’s high time I faced facts. There is nothing special about who I am or how I came to be here. I’m the dude playing another dude, disguised as another dude, with maybe a fourth dude hidden in there somewhere. I dunno, it’s all very complicated, but I can say for certain that I wasn’t summoned here by the Mother or the Will of the Heavens, fated to right all wrongs and bring Balance to the world. I mean, why would they even bother? If there was a deity out there with the power to pluck my memories and personality from my past life and transplant it into this one, all in order to play the foil to the Eternal Emperor and bring Balance to the world, then why wouldn’t said deity just handle this shit themselves? Why would I need to spend so many years suffering and struggling just to clean up their mess?

So even if there is a Will of the Heavens or a Mother Above, they can go fuck themselves. I’ll figure this shit out on my own, thank you very much, and then I’ll do whatever the hell I please, because fate ain’t got shit on me.

My defiant contempt spills out into the world around me, lifting a weight off my shoulders I never knew was there. All this time, I’ve been setting myself up as the hero of the story and waiting for the Heavens to come rescue me, but now that I know fate doesn’t have shit in store for me, I can finally take matters into my own hands and define my own fate. So what if the Heavens won’t help me? They never helped me before, never rescued me from my father or whisked me away from the slave mines, never comforted me when I cried, consoled me when I was hurt, or guided me when I needed it the most. I should’ve never been counting on the Heavens in the first place, because the Heavens are not a conscious entity with a Will. It’s just energy, no different from gravity or a chemical reaction, and I will not be beholden to a mere reaction.

Having found some perspective on things and my resolve within, I gather up the emotions I’ve identified and so many more I have yet to parse through and surrender myself to them in full. Crippling depression, suffocating anxiety, paranoid delusion, willful ignorance, and awkward humour, by these powers combined, I am Falling Rain. A brief moment of amusement does much to relieve the tension in my chest before a deluge of emotions washes over me and I parse through them all at once. Joy, rage, hatred, love, lust, despair, and more. The colours come together in a jumbled vision of gaudy hues, a giant mess of vibrance and dreariness which threatens to drag me over to Imbalance, yet I do nothing to stop it. This is my nature, a sensitive person who feels emotion too strongly, which is why I avoid them as much as I can. That’s the source of so many of my woes, my inability to just turn off my emotions or let them go. Why should I care about what some random stranger thinks of me? Yet one awkward encounter with said stranger will haunt me for the rest of my life, wherein I can close my eyes to sleep and hear myself say, “You too”, in response to the waiter who just brought me my food and told me to, ‘have a nice meal’. I also fall in love easily, but I love fiercely too, without holding anything back. I have so much love to give, I could love a hundred floofs or more without even coming close to my limits, and while I still feel like an asshole for falling in love with so many women, I know I will do everything I can to ensure they know they are loved and hope that it will be enough. I empathize with the starving beggar I pass on the street, sympathize with the hard-working people who labour day in and day out yet still struggle to make ends meet, commiserate with the woes so many people suffer and share. If I see an injustice in the world, I cannot just sit idle and let it pass, because then I will feel like I’ve failed as a person, because a good person would lend a hand to those in need.

This is why I fear emotion, because I am too easily compelled by it. Starving kid in the streets? Better feed the whole city. Crippled Warriors without access to healthcare? I should teach everyone how to Heal so they can regrow their own limbs. The Defiled are running rampant in a province I’ve never been to? Well, I’m ready to sally forth and lay my life on the line to go save them all, even though no one wants me to and no one will reward me for it.

What can I say? It’s a sickness really.

This is why I avoid meeting people and making new connections because, I lack the energy to keep up with all my emotions. Avoidance is no longer possible, and hasn’t been possible for a long time now, so it’s high time I took Charok’s sage advice to heart, delivered so long ago when I first stepped foot on the Martial Path.

I cannot let fear and my other emotions control me. I must take control of them instead.

The Energy of the Heavens surges around me, but I remain undaunted and bend it to my Will, no longer afraid of any Spectres or calling down the gaze of the Father because I am firmly in control. Visualizing my Intent, I embody my greatest desire to save the people I love and become the hero I’d always dreamed of being. One raised not with the support of the Heavens, but in defiance of them, for there is no all-seeing authority watching over us from above, only a natural phenomenon which I now harness for my own use.

I am the surging tides of the endless seas, the eternal winds of the stormy skies.

I am the all-consuming blaze of the smouldering forge, the unyielding meteor which pierces the Heavens.

This is my Dao. The Dao of absolute freedom, freedom even from the Heavens which might otherwise dictate my fate. Yes, I bind myself in chains of emotion, but I accept those chains freely, for they are no true chains, but rather the benefits of being alive, for life would not be worth living without the people I love and cherish. Thus, even laden with chains as I am, I am still free, for my fate is still my own, one I will forge in pursuit of the truth and in search of answers to questions which might well never be answered. The end goal isn’t important however, nor will the possibility of failure prevent me from trying, because life isn’t about the destination, but rather the journey you take to get there.

Balance is truly a concept humans are ill-suited for indeed, and I myself less suited than most, but what works for one might well be impossible for another, which means I need to find the Balance most suited for me. Having gathered so very many different colours of emotions, I still have no idea what form of Balance I should strive for, but the lack of knowledge or understanding means nothing to me. I am incapable of holding fast to Balance like Akanai or Mila would, nor am I capable of indulging in emotion like Buddy, Lin-Lin, or Dad. All I can do is allow myself to feel my emotions and act according to my Will, one guided by my morals and integrity, with a hefty helping of input from my guilty conscience and personal views on justice and honour.

This is my Balance, one steeped in emotion and driven by it, yet kept in check by the human concepts I hold so dearly in my heart. The Dao of don’t be an asshole, which is far more difficult than it sounds, especially when I’m faced with people I don’t like.

Simple and reasonable though this might all seem, there are an infinite number of complexities to navigate through, ones which I can only trust myself to find the best way forward. There will be many mistakes, but those will become a part of my journey, because so long as there is life, there is hope. Firm in my conviction, I find my Will wavering as I struggle to encompass the entirety of my Dao in one, simple concept, something to hold firm to as I surrender and struggle to Ascend. My Dao is of all emotion and none, steeped in logic yet can do entirely without, a Dao which allows me to surrender control to emotion or be controlled by it without ever losing sight of reason and who I truly am. All this I know in my heart, but it is too complex and indefinite to adhere to with any certainty, until I gaze upon the jumbled mess of emotional colours and find Insight in a memory from my past life that applies so well to this one.

The colours come together in a circle before forming two teardrop-shaped pools of black and white, with a single dot of white in the black, and a single dot of black within the white. A bit derivative and on the nose, but if it works, it works. This is not about good or evil, the Mother or the Father, Heaven and Hell, or anything like that, just all emotion and no emotion, all logic and no logic, all colours, and none, a balance of Yin and Yang, of black, white, and all the shades of grey in between wherein I follow my heart’s desires without ever allowing myself to be controlled by them.

The concept comes together in mind and my Will holds strong, leaving the Heavens no choice but to concede before me and surrender their secrets for my review, for I no longer recognize their Authority and shall forge my own Path in pursuit of the Dao.

And as I take this step forward, I pray that this will be enough.

Chapter Meme 1

Chapter Meme 2