Chapter 660 V1 SCRAPPED

I changed the ending. This is just here so yall can see the difference. I marked the start of the most significant change, so just scroll down till you see it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qsrON7zK0Wwf_F6fBuoRREN8UaFKwjxX5oygI02OVdo/edit?usp=sharing 

After long weeks of trials and tribulations, Yan dearly hoped it would all soon be behind them and she would finally have her husband back again.

Hugging Baloo tight as the sweet bear nestled in her embrace, she leaned against the carriage wall to stare out the window at the back of Rain’s vehicle. Though his curtains were drawn and she didn’t have the right angle to see inside anyways, she still wanted to see how he was doing and couldn’t tear her eyes away. After weeks spent fast asleep and days shuffling about in a waking stupor, today might finally be the day he regained full consciousness and returned to them in whole. An idealistic outlook, and perhaps premature, but Yan was done with tempering expectations. She wanted her husband back, not just in body, but in heart, mind, and soul, to see him smile, hear him laugh, and feel his hand close around hers as he drew her into his embrace.

This whole ordeal had taken a toll on her, and she was fast approaching her limits. At first, she felt confident he would wake soon enough, but then she started noticing details she couldn’t just ignore. Rain never was a sound sleeper, prone to tossing and turning even after long, exhausting hours of strenuous activity, but after passing out on the field of battle, he slept the sleep of the dead. Never once did he stir in slumber, not even when she tickled his nose and feet, nor did he sigh and smack his lips when she or Mama Bun snuggled into the crook of his neck. In fact, aside from breathing, the only indication of life he showed was rapid eye movements, which Lin-Lin said meant he was dreaming, a fact she learned second hand from Rain, who himself read it in one of those books he could never remember the names of.

It was difficult seeing him so lifeless and inanimate, utterly unresponsive to the world around him. Then, as the days and weeks passed by, her mind went to a dark place every time she saw him, wondering if his soul had already passed on into the Mother’s warm embrace and this was merely what was left. Worst of all, she felt a mild sense of relief every time she considered it, relief which was quickly replaced by personal loathing, but the pervasive thoughts continued to trickle through. She was better off without him, he never deserved her anyways, what sort of life would she have had as one of his five wives, the reasons kept coming even though she never wanted them. They were all lies, but they came from her own mind, and a part of her wondered if it was because she truly felt this way.

Every time her thoughts grew too oppressive to bear, she would look at Rain and her heart would threaten to break, which was how she knew she loved him. The pain was a reminder of how much he meant to her, and it only grew with each passing day.

Then, miracle of miracles, one day, he opened his eyes, got out of bed, and walked out to use the bathroom, leaving behind a still sleeping Mila and Mama Bun. Not quite the reunion Yan had expected, to have him barge in naked just as she was about to relieve her bladder, but thankfully, she realized his intentions quickly enough to get out of the way before he opened the flood gates, and not a second too soon. That was enough to tell her not all was right with Rain, but his slack, unseeing expression hammered the point home. Some thought him aloof and distant, someone who only cared about his loved ones and mistrusted strangers, but the truth was, Rain was just awkward and nervous around new people because he was socially inept. Thanks to Luo-Luo’s painstakingly prepared lessons, he’d gotten much better at interacting with other people in recent times, but all it took was a single ambiguous comment to throw him off his game. It was amusing to see Rain dwell over an innocuous statement and wonder what the speaker really meant, when in most cases, few people were as subtle and cunning as he expected them to be.

Granted, Luo-Luo was one such person, and many of the people Rain worked with in his capacity as Legate were also the same, so perhaps there was more to it than Yan understood. Either way, this was why Rain preferred animals over people, because they were always honest about their feelings and therefore easier to read. Oh how she missed her expressive, empathic, emotive husband and desperately wanted him back, if only to see him smile and laugh again. It was to this thread she clung onto, her boundless love which kept her spirits afloat as she tried and failed to elicit a response from him, verbal, somatic, or otherwise. Despite seeing him grow healthier and more active with each passing day, her sombre mood failed to improve as she dwelt upon her dark thoughts, wondering just how long she could keep doing this without succumbing to despair.

“This is your husband, an empty shell of a man, one who draws breath yet is dead inside.” Those were the words echoing in Yan’s mind as she gazed upon the man she loved while they strode arm in arm through the marketplace. “What sort of life will you have with him? You once worried about sharing him, but now you should be happy to have others to help share this troublesome burden.”

All true, but not the entire truth, because even if he never woke, she would never give up on him. She needed no Oath to compel her, for love and hope did a fine enough job on their own.

Oh how her heart had raced when she felt him channel the Energy of the Heavens beside her, and in the brief moment before Mother-in-law Akanai spirited him away, Yan thought she saw something, something she dared not believe just yet. For a single instant, there was a hint of focused concentration in Rain’s narrowed gaze, his amber eyes fixated on something nearby instead of staring aimlessly out into the distance. Then, he was gone, physically that is, all but carried into his carriage alongside Lin-Lin, Song, and Mother-in-law Sarnai, leaving Yan to wonder if she’d imagined it all. Add in the fact that all the rabbits were already waiting inside and Ping Ping had trouble squeezing in, Yan had no choice but to ride in Grandpa’s carriage alongside Mila and Luo-Luo. The bears and wildcats joined them and made for a tight fit, but Grandpa didn’t seem to mind at all and was happily rubbing Aurie’s cheeks beside her.

It was easy enough to pinpoint his exact location, because she could still feel him channelling a veritable torrent of Heavenly Energy, more than she’d ever felt from one person ever before. Unable to help herself, she turned to Grandpa and Sent, “How is he? Have they sent word? Has he said anything?”

“No change, but this is a good sign,” came Grandpa’s Sent reply, smiling as he stroked her hair. “We suspected your husband’s Core was mended over two weeks ago, but this is the first time he’s put it to use, deploying his Domain and displaying Purity. Though I know not the reason why, at least this tells us all is not lost and that his spirit still lingers inside, so even if his mind remains closed off after today, there is hope for him yet.”

Buoyed by Grandpa’s confidence, Yan happily shared the good news with Mila and Luo-Luo, wishing she could shout it to the Heavens instead of passing it along through Sending. Luo-Luo insisted on these strict measures when discussing Rain’s health at all times, despite everyone’s assurances that they could speak freely when their defences were deployed, as they no doubt were right now. Luo-Luo responded by saying that there was no such thing as being too careful, so it was best to remain vigilant at all times so that if their defences failed without warning, they would not be caught off guard. Not the worst idea considering Xing Yong Wei, an Imperial Divinity and Rain’s supposed Dao Protector, had yet to be seen again and could very well be hiding under all their noses, but Yan noted that while Grandpa Du was put off by the possible presence of a Divinity hidden within their midst, her in-laws seemed utterly unruffled by the prospect, and perhaps even a little amused by their worries.

Which Yan took to mean the People had friendly Divinities of their own safeguarding Rain, though neither Mila, Song, nor Lin-Lin managed to pry any information out of their respective parents. Yan didn’t mention it to Grandpa Du either, because she knew his curiosity would get the best of him and he would actively go looking for the hidden Divinities, but she knew the Ancestral Beasts of the Saint’s Tribulations mountains stayed hidden for good reason. As a child, she dreamt up all sorts of silly reasons for their self-imposed exile, but as she grew older and learned more about Ancestral Beasts in general, she realized the answer was far less complicated than she imagined.

Those powerful beings moved into the Saint’s Tribulations Mountains because they all wanted to be left alone. That was it. They wanted nothing to do with the people who lived there, not even the half-beast children they sired, and as such were only loosely related to the Sentinels, as far as Yan could tell. Even Mila didn’t know much more, having lived her entire life believing her progenitor also lived in the mountains with them. Yan believed her parents were from there too, though she’d never met another half-beast just like her, with straight, pointed deer horns protruding from her forehead rather than from the sides of her head as was more common. Either way, there was little love lost between the people of the Saint’s Tribulations Mountains and the Ancestral Beasts who also called it home, so if Grandpa Du were to kick up hornets nest with his curious investigations, then not even Mother-in-law Akanai could protect him from harm.

Du Min Gyu was a Living Legend and Peak Expert of the Empire, but even then he was no match for a Divinity. The Martial Path was long and arduous, and few ever reached those lofty heights, but Yan was determined to make an attempt, even if her half-beast heritage had doomed her to failure. The Mother loved all Her children equally, or so it was said, and a limit had been placed on half-beast potential to make up for their other gifts. It never made sense to Yan, but that was what everyone said, and no half-beast in the history of the Empire had ever successfully become a Divinity, fake or otherwise. Such is life, and Yan was not one to argue, but neither was she someone who let others set her limits for her.

That’s why she loved Rain so much. He knew her well enough to set her free, encouraged her to follow her dreams, and in doing so, had ensnared her heart more securely than any cage could ever hold her.

The minutes ticked by in agonizing slowness as she waited with bated breath, hoping to hear good news from Rain’s carriage at any given moment. Her focus was so consumed by the carriage and his , she failed to even notice the direction they were headed until they arrived at the citadel’s eastern gates. Shooting Grandpa a questioning look, he smiled and Sent, “We announced our plans to visit the District in public, and Luo-Luo rightly pointed out that we cannot abandon our plans without drawing suspicion, especially not with the disturbance your husband is kicking up. Every Warrior in the Citadel can feel him Channelling right now, and many can sense his sizable Domain, but they are left to wonder why. Clever Luo-Luo is already quietly spreading word that someone made a clandestine attempt on his life and failed.” Jaw dropping in surprise, Yan turned her gaze to the too-beautiful Imperial Servant who smiled and winked, no doubt discerning the reason for her admiration. “No moves were made and there were enough prying eyes around to see it,” Grandpa continued, speaking in an almost hesitant tone which meant he was repeating what someone else told him. “But everyone will suspect that young Rain sensed a threat and acted prematurely.”

“And from there, believe that he was playing the fool, a false lamb staked out for the tiger, a role he continues to play now as we head out of the Citadel.” Yan wasn’t completely hopeless when it came to matters of politics, just mostly. She was learning though, thanks to Luo-Luo’s patient lessons and even some from listening to Rain’s complaints from before his back to back comas. Yan never wanted to be in a position like Grandpa Du’s, wherein he trusted the wrong people to manage his finances and ended up almost destitute in his old age. Of course, that was no longer an issue now that Yan had married Rain, and though she felt guilty about using his money to buy things for her grandfather, he never brought it up and even encouraged Yan to do more. It wasn’t so simple, however, as it was a matter of face, and everyone would lose if Rain financially supported Grandpa Du without offering to do the same for his parents and Mila’s, even though neither pair needed it. Mother-in-law Akanai had already made her displeasure known regarding the living arrangements, wherein Grandpa Du had moved in with Rain and Yan, but Akanai hadn’t received an invitation to move in with Mila. A mistake Rain amended by promptly inviting her as well, and though Yan was a little put off having to live under the formidable woman’s eye, it was a small price to pay to keep everyone happy, Rain included.

Odd that he had no complaints about living with all his in-laws, especially so soon into his marriage, but that was just the sort of man he was, and Yan loved him all the more for it. Others might not see it, but Rain just had so much love to give, he couldn’t possibly be constrained to loving only a select few. One only needed to look at how he collected pets like others collect art, only Rain would never neglect a living creature, especially not one near and dear to his heart. Hence why Yan was willing to share him with his other wives, because no matter how many other women he had in his life, he would do anything and everything to make sure she felt loved and adored.

As their carriage rolled away from the citadel, she spotted the Medical Saint arriving from on high, plummeting from the sky only to land lightly outside Rain’s carriage door, with nary a hair out of place nor a wrinkle to be found. Taduk made it look so easy and effortless, Yan almost gave it no thought, until she remembered they were still most of an hour away from his bamboo grove. Not much time had passed since Rain began channelling the Energy of the Heavens, yet the quirky Healer was already here to check on his health. Again, Yan turned to Grandpa Du and Sent, “How quickly could you Cloud-Step from the Citadel to the bamboo grove?”

“Ten minutes? Perhaps less if I truly pushed myself.” Looking up from petting Aurie, Grandpa asked, “Why’s that?”

“The Medical Saint is here.” Grandpa Du was every bit as surprised as Yan, perhaps even moreso once she realized Taduk’s speedy arrival had gone unnoticed. Despite coddling Aurie and the other animals, Grandpa Du was likely on full alert, sweeping the area for Concealed presences and various threats to their convoy. If Taduk could sneak in unnoticed after Cloud-Stepping more maybe three times faster than what Grandpa could manage, then this meant his Martial Talents were not constrained to only Healing. That said, it was difficult to imagine the sweet yet silly half-hare in a combat scenario, especially considering how he spent the last six months butting heads with a ground-hog and emerging defeated. The suspected Spiritual Beast had taken to the Spiritual Garden, and being a die-hard pacifist who wouldn’t hurt a fly, poor Taduk was at a loss to stop the adorable rodent. While he had no qualms about enlisting others to kill the ground-hog for him, Rain and Lin-Lin both had taken a shine to the thieving ground-hog and were intent on bringing him into the family. Knowing this, Taduk could hardly have it killed out of hand, and the beast was too canny to be trapped by cage or net, leaving it free to come and go as it pleased. After so many successful grand heists without a hitch, the clever beast had grown bold and taken to raiding the Spiritual Plant garden in broad daylight, and was even happy to accept hand-fed treats from most of them so long as Mama Bun was properly restrained.

This was Lin-Lin’s plan, to capture the beast with kindness, and thus far, all they’d managed to do was throw away a literal fortune of Spiritual Plants. Granted, the prices would plummet if someone ever learned how easily mature plants could be grown, requiring little more than a friendship with a certain Divine Turtle, a steady supply of shrimp, and between three to twelve weeks of time.

Sadly, Pong Pong showed no interest in Rain’s plight, not that Yan expected the tiny Divine Turtle to do anything about it. As Rain often pointed out, Divine Beast or not, the operative word was beast, and one could hardly expect a turtle to grasp complex human concepts, much less care to do anything about it.

Settling back in her seat to continue staring at Rain’s carriage, she passed the time in silent prayer while Luo-Luo played a quiet tune and Mila stewed and fretted, gnawing on her hair like a nervous child instead of the formidable Warrior she truly was. Reaching over to clasp her hand, Yan offered Mila her silent support, knowing exactly what she was going through. No Warrior liked to feel helpless, or worse, like a burden, but the simple truth was that Rain was safer where he was than at their side. Should his carriage come under attack, Akanai, Sarnai, and the Guard Leader were all prepared to Cloud-Step Song, Rain, and Lin-Lin away, respectively. One dominant Peak Expert per person, and adding Mila, Yan, or Luo-Luo into the mix would only further complicate matters. Of course, this meant the rabbits would be left behind, but the sad truth was that if three powerful Peak Experts were forced to abandon the carriage, there was a good chance the rabbits were as good as dead anyways.

A thought which did little to raise Yan’s spirits, but at least she was no longer dwelling over the what-ifs and envisioning the worst case scenarios like she had been over the last few weeks. A bad habit she’d picked up from Rain no doubt, which gave her a small glimpse into what it was like to live with so much angst and anxiety. There were times when her thoughts almost drove her to panic and she just had to check if he was still breathing, and others when she would convince herself that she was better off without him and begin thinking about what she would do next. Which was worse, she couldn’t say, but now she knew how Rain felt so much of the time, and she hated every second of it.

A surge of quiet reassurance welled up from within, and Yan smiled at Luo-Luo in thanks. Beaming beautifully as she plucked away at her pipa, the beautiful woman looked utterly unconcerned by their current plight. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about Rain’s condition, but rather she had faith in his ability and believed he would emerge from this tribulation unscathed, with a confidence Yan sorely envied. The pleasant tune soothed away the tension welling up from within, and surly Mila even loosened her shoulders ever so slightly as she sighed and sank into Banjo’s fur, the big baby gurgling away from within her embrace. Luo-Luo music was a wondrous use of Chi, so similar to Aura yet utterly different at the same time. An Aura was a sharing of Emotion, whether it be courage, hope, love, or even terror, but once the Aura faded, so too did the accompanying emotion. In this way, Yan believed Luo-Luo music was a superior form of Aura, because the emotions elicited by her songs stayed long after her performance ended, and sometimes could even be summoned anew through simple reminiscence. It was the difference between the light of a candle and a distant star in the sky. Both gave off light, and while the candle might seem brighter, it was ultimately finite, while the star was a source of light unto itself.

The journey to the bamboo grove progressed without incident, though Rain stopped channelling the Energy of the Heavens about half-way through. According to Grandpa’s reports, Rain was still comatose and unresponsive, but as soon as Yan laid eyes on him, she believed there was more to it than that. There was tension in his body, his shoulders square and neck strained, and he moved with a stiff, almost hesitant gait as he clambered down the carriage stairs. Gone was the slack, vacant expression, and in its place was a slightly focused gaze, but not one fixated on anything around him. Whatever Rain was looking at did not exist here in the real world, his mind focused on something within, but it meant he was closer to recovery than ever. Striding over simply to touch his face, it pained her to see him not respond, but she would continue to wait. “Come back to me,” she Sent, kissing him lightly on the cheek. “Come back to all of us. We miss you.”

Pain. Defeat. Shame. These emotions flitted through Yan’s mind so quickly she wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it, but the twitch in Rain’s brow was real enough. He was in there, and he was hurting, but for some reason, he didn’t want to come out. “Are you in there?” she Sent, her heart aching as she stared into his eyes, hoping against all hope to see him staring back, but alas, his gaze remained distant and unresponsive. “You can hear me, can’t you?”

She felt it for sure this time, his fear and reluctance, but still he did not respond. Whatever it was that caused this coma, it was different from what happened after Ping Ping’s ascension, a realization which filled Yan with dread. Despite all the clues indicating things were different, they all clung to the belief that Rain would eventually recover just like last time, but what if he didn’t? What if there was something genuinely wrong and none of them could see it?

“What’s wrong Yan-Yan?” Peering up at her expression, Lin-Lin hugged Rain tight and asked, “What do you see?”

“...It’s nothing.” Forcing herself to smile, she knew she wasn’t fooling anyone, and Lin-Lin least of all, but she hoped they all wrote it off as Yan’s needless worries. It had to be nothing. There was a time when he yearned for death and sought it out upon the battlefield, but so much had changed since then. As long as his loved ones still drew breath, there was no world in which Rain would ever abandon them, not like this. He would return, Yan was certain of this, as soon as he worked through whatever it was keeping him trapped inside, and when he did, she would welcome him back with open arms and no questions asked.

Rather than telling anyone and risking panic or misunderstanding, Yan merely hugged Rain tight and Sent, “I don’t know what’s wrong, but everything will be okay. As long as we are together, nothing else matters, so take your time and come back to us as soon as you can. I love you, Falling Rain. We all do.”

Breaking off the embrace, she stepped back and smiled at everyone to show she was fine and grabbed Song and Luo-Luo by the arms. “Come on,” she said, leading them into the bamboo grove. “There’s a ground-hog out there, and I mean to tame him today, so Rain will have a new friend waiting when he wakes.”

Which hopefully would be sooner rather than later...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Abort mission! We’ve been discovered. Abort! Aborttttt!

Doesn’t really work when I have no where to abort to, but now Yan knows, I guess. Or she suspects at least, but rather than anger over my cowardly betrayal, she’s hurt by my pain and worried she hasn’t been supportive enough. That’s the worst of it really, that she blames herself for my failings, when it’s clearly all my fault. The flickering monitor screen illuminates the void and saves me from having to see my own hateful reflection, which is good because I truly cannot stand the sight of myself. Though I can no longer read her thoughts, I could see it in her expression; she’s worried I’m trying to kill myself again, which, and it sounds stupid to even say, I never considered might be the case.

Technically, I’m not trying to die, but functionally, is what I’m doing any different? My goal is escape, and whether the world is real or imagined, the end result is the same. I knew this, on some level, because I kept trying to tidy up all my unresolved issues so I could leave without feeling guilty, but I never could tear myself away. I could blame the cell phone for tempting me with its glimpses of my old life, but I’m pretty sure that was just me giving myself an out. I wanted to see what was happening, and the cell phone allowed me to do so. It’s the whole kerfuffle with Vivek Daatei all over again, except this time, in reverse. Back then, I knew those lives were illusions, but I still wanted to immerse myself within them, because they were happy, perfect lives which allowed me to escape the problems of the real world. Now, I’m still trying to escape, but instead of losing myself in the illusion, I’m trying to forget everyone and everything I ever knew so that I can finally be at peace.

I’m still not sure if the world is an illusion, but I’m beginning to wonder if Zhen Shi is even capable of weaving such depth and complexity. I want these visions to be real, I want to go back and see everyone again, but I can’t find the courage to step outside this cold, unfeeling shell. Here, ensconced in the call centre of the Void, I was insulated from my emotions, but not anymore. By Devouring all available Natal Souls, I’ve taken all of it back in, all the anger, shame, fear, and longing I severed and cast away. The emptiness of the Void is no match for hollow desolation of my heart, and Yan’s support only drives home what a fool and coward I’ve been all along. Is it better to hide here and waste away alone in the void, or risk more pain and suffering in hopes of finding love and affection once again? Even if this life was real, it is not a life I deserve, because ever since I opened my eyes to this hateful, spiteful world, I have been lying to everyone I met.

I am not Falling Rain, scared child turned Legate of the outer provinces.

I am Rayne, former call-centre employee and all-around worthless waste of flesh.

This, more than anything, is what I fear most, of my secret getting out which will inevitably lead to my rejection. Thus, before the world can reject me, I must reject the world, yet still I yearn to go back to my life as an imposter, pretending to be someone who I am not while deceiving the people who love me most. Would Mom have accepted me as her son if she knew the truth? What am Mila and Yan, who married a man at least twice their age, if not more? What about the warriors who follow me because I am a ‘young’ talent? How will they feel when my ‘peers’ catch up and surpass me with ease, because I have long since reached my limits, while everyone else is still growing into theirs? That’s why I made Baledagh, not to stave off Defilement, but because I needed to pretend I was someone I wasn’t. He’s the person I should’ve been, the Falling Rain of this world, whereas I... I am a mistake, an anomaly, a man out of time and space. It would be best if Rayne could fade away and disappear, leaving only Falling Rain in his place, but unfortunately, I am a, quite ironically, a survivor.

So what now? I Devoured all the Natal Souls I could, most of which stood upon the razor’s edge, not quite malevolent Spectres yet far from benevolent angels urging others to do good. Fruit of the poisoned tree as it were, for in the end, my Natal Souls are a reflection of me, and I am a bitter, broken, scared man who does not know what to do next. Do I turn off the PC, rid myself of the phone, and retreat deeper into the void, or do I risk another eternity of pain and suffering by returning to the world of the living? Real or illusion, I can’t imagine anything other than calamity awaiting me, if only because I don’t think I can keep lying to the people I love. They deserve to know me for who I am, but I cannot bear to lose them again, and this time, it would be for good.

So true to form, I do neither, and continue watching my loved ones through the flickering monitor on my cubicle desk. It’s harder to know their thoughts without a direct connection to Heavenly Energy, but the signs are all there for anyone who cares to read them. The connection never offered telepathy, only information that was made readily available by individuals with each and every action or non-action. Non-verbal communication, only detailed to the extent that it could almost be mistaken for mind reading, because people in general are not great at hiding their inner thoughts. Some are better at it than others, but my family and loved ones are an open book as I struggle to come to a decision. Yan and Mila sit me down with Aurie and Sarankho before helping Mom feed all the pets, while Lin-Lin baits her ‘traps’ for the ground-hog, who is currently hiding underground and waiting for all the footsteps to die down. Taduk busies himself checking his plants while grumbling all the while about how slowly they’re growing, worried the lack of supply is slowing my recovery and agonizing over what he can do to speed things up by even a single second. After setting up her zither, Luo-Luo pitches in the only way she knows how, by playing a soothing melody meant to assure her audience that everything will work out for the best, a sentiment she wholeheartedly believes in. Lastly, dutiful Song sets to grooming Jimjam, while keeping an eye on me and the rabbits, worried the latter will gnaw on the plants and if I’ve gone too long without visiting the bathroom.

Oh right. I got rid of the Natal Soul responsible for bathroom duties, among other things. That... might prove to be a problem soon enough...

Luo-Luo and Lin-Lin aside, they’re all trying to distract themselves from the big problems the same way I used to, by showering love and affection on those adorable floofs who will always respond in kind. To this end, I reach out to the ground-hog and try to convince him that the people above will treat him well, but his instincts are to remain hidden and guarded unless absolutely necessary. He’ll come around eventually, I think, or at the very least, is beginning to see everyone in a more favourable light, but he’s still a small herbivore and clever enough to fear predators in general, unlike a certain sweet, adorable, fearless rabbit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BIG CHANGE BELOW~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unable to sever the emotion for fear of tainting the world even more, I struggle to rein myself in and stay as neutral and indifferent as possible. Not an easy task with all my loved ones present, each striving to comfort the others in whatever way possible. It soon becomes even more difficult to remain detached as Charok and Alsantset arrive with Tali and Tate in tow, the former proudly clutching a bamboo steamer in her hands as she makes her way over to my side. “Hiya Rainy,” she chimes, squeezing Sarankho aside so she can sit next to me. Holding up the steamer for my inspection, she beams and says, “Look! I made dumplings for you to eat, so you’ll be healthy and strong again. Pork and green onion, your favourite.”

Placing the steamer in my hands along with a pair of chopsticks, sweet Tali watches me with expectant eyes, hoping that this will be the moment I finally come to my senses. Her food was made with all the love and care in the world, and her culinary skills have come far in so short a time, a testament to her hard work and dedication. Problem is, the same Natal Soul who ensures I don’t poop my pants is also in charge of eating, which means my body isn’t really holding onto the bowl so much as supporting its weight. Since I cannot bear to leave sweet Tali hanging, I take manual control and raise the bamboo steamer to my lips, fighting off the waking world’s assault on my senses as I bite into the first, fragrant, delicious dumpling.

Don’t cower. Don’t cry. Don’t even sob or even blink. Stare off into the distance and eat your food, then you can go back in the void where its safe.

Delicious as the meal is, the anxiety sours it all, though I do note a sense of Heavenly Energy surging into my Core. The dumplings were prepared using Spiritual Plants, and whatever she did, Tali succeeded where Mom, Charok, and so many others failed. The plants retained their efficacy throughout the cooking process, and if my Core were not already repaired, eating a few hundred steamers of these dumplings would’ve done the same. Overwhelmed by all the sensations and emotions, I finish the last dumpling and skirt back into the void, trembling from the aftereffects of my close brush with calamity. This doesn’t go unnoticed as Tali swallows her disappointment and fetches a cloak to drape around my shoulders, kindly making sure to wrap it around Aurie too, just so he can share his warmth. “I made lots more for Grandma to bring home with you,” she says, fastening the cloak around my neck. “So you hafta come back and tell me how yummy they were, okay?”

It’s too much. Moving my mind away from my the garden, I stop a short distance away, where Dad, Akanai, Grandpa Du, and Husolt are all meditating in the pathway. Their goal is simple, to become strong enough to bear all my burdens for me, and the burdens of those they love. Husolt in particular is burning with unresolved anger issues, issues buried so deep it takes me long minutes to unravel them, and once I do, I wish I could forget it all. It all stems from his blind eye, an injury he took many years ago, fighting at the side of his beloved wife. I once asked him about it, and he told me it never healed due to an unresolved grudge, and in a way, he was telling the truth. Fifty some-odd years ago, they responded to an Imperial call for aid and rescued Fung’s father from a Defiled incursion, a feat which earned Akanai an Imperial summons to Central. Husolt went with her, hoping to finally see his wife receive her due, for she worked herself to the bone defending the people and the country she so loved.

Instead, he saw her derided and humiliated, before being run out of Central and hunted like a prize to be won.

It was during one of those battles wherein Husolt lost his eye, a wound which I know see has festered and taken root in his very soul. It became a part of his identity, the blind fool who should have seen the truth sooner and spared his wife the pain and misery, and thus resisted all attempts to Heal it. The injury lit a fire within him, a blazing conflagration of rage and hatred, one he keeps banked and contained for fear of it consuming him whole. This forced him to put aside his weapon for fear of Defilement, but now, he hopes to conquer his anger so that he might once again fight at her side, a sentiment he broadcasts to all who might here, which is sadly limited only to his wife, his son, and myself. Even Mila and Song know nothing about his problems, because he is deeply ashamed of his flaws and terrified of the consequences should he ever lose control.

How did I not see this coming? The first time we travelled to Shen Huo, he straight up murdered someone for threatening Mila. Granted, I wanted to do the same, but how many people would have acted on such thoughts? The worst part is, Husolt’s brush with Defilement is not solely due to Spectres, for it is in his nature to be passionate and quick-tempered. There’s nothing I can do for him, because these are his inner Demons, and he must overcome them on his own, a battle he has struggled with for his entire life.

Seeing this part of him leaves me filled with shame, for I have seen a part of him which he didn’t want anyone to know about. We all have our own inner demons, demons which have nothing to do with Spectres, the Father, the Enemy, or Zhen Shi. Mila has her own temper, and is prone to internalizing all her frustrations, while Yan has abandonment issues and is worried about losing everyone she loves. Luo-Luo is a smart, confident, capable woman, but wholly lacking in personal identity or ambition, and Mom cares too much about what other people think when they see her with her ‘young’ husband. Dad, like Husolt, has issues with anger, while Akanai is a control freak who needs to take charge whenever possible. There are reasons for all their problems, and they all struggle with them unseen, but unlike me, none of them have given up.

Sure, not all problems are equal, but mine are hardly the worst of the bunch. Song had it much harder than I ever did, and she is dealing with them better than anyone else in the grove besides Lin-Lin and Taduk. Those last two have almost no unresolved issues at all, or if they do, they don’t care to ever dwell on them, which in and of itself, might well be a miracle.

Time passes as I lose myself in introspection, and soon enough, the day grows late and we all prepare to head home. As I make ready to return to my body and guide it into the carriage, a blinking warning on the monitor screen draws my attention, one warning which quickly multiplies into dozens. An Enemy attack, one no doubt meant for me, and I cannot help but wonder about the timing. Is this opportunistic attack meant to force me to fully emerge from my protective Void safety blanket, or is it all merely a coincidence?

The time for hesitation is over, and the time for action has come. Do I hide in the Void and hope for the best, or risk enduring through several lifetimes of agonies if it turns out this was all a ploy by Zhen Shi to get a hold of me?

A second stretches into eternity, and I deliberate my next step, one which might very well decide the rest of my life.

Author’s note: Sorry about the cliff. SEriously. Sorry. See you all in early january, hopefully! Come to discord if you want the most recent SD news or if you just wanna chat, but if I don’t see you there, then have a merry christmas and a happy new year! Let’s put 2020 behind us, and hope 2021 is better in all ways. Take care, and as always, thank you so much for your readership and support.