Sisu V. Reacher - Deadly Double Feature

Not all one man armies are built the same. Sisu and Reacher are both unstoppable killing machines but I'd rather get killed by SIsu any day, because i know Reacher would just be insufferably smug about it. At least Sisu would have the decency to be pissed off and covered in mud while he throws a land mine at my face.

Sisu is a great little straightforward action flick about a legendary soldier with shades of Rambo or Solid Snake. That's my kind of badass. He takes a beating but doesn't give a shit, he'll give you a war you won't believe.

Reacher is cut from a cuntier cloth. He's more of an oldschool pulp-style adonis whose main skill is being huge, and whose greatest struggle in life is living amongst mere mortals without accidentally impregnating half the human race and creating a generation of unruly nephilim.

People tell me this show is good but i tapped out after two episodes of tedious small town glazing. Reacher is smarter, stronger, and better in every way than everyone around him to the point the other characters aren't even characters. The bad guys only exist to get their butts kicked, the men only exist to kiss his butt, and the women only exist to stick their butts in his face like they're in heat while he politely refuses their advances because he's just too respectful for that.

Part of the problem is that the Reacher books are read by women. So he can't just be a hardened powerhouse killer. He also has to be safe. He's as much a female fantasy as a male one. In between destroying people with his bare hands, he spends his time calmly eating pie and being as bland a human being as possible.

Chicks love bland. He never loses his temper or says anything awkward. He never farts or shits himself or smokes too much weed and has a panic attack. He's always cool and always clean despite being a homeless drifter. He's so perfectly handsome and bland he's blandsome. Leave some pussy for the rest of us, you dork-ass demigod.

I don't hate myself enough to sit through 3 seasons of the most boring ass kicker in the universe respecting women and getting his hair cut. I'd much rather watch a simple, 90 minute movie about an ugly old bastard being too pissed off to die, crawling through the mud, lighting himself on fire, challenging a tank a fist fight, superplexing a plane, and singlehandedly winning a world war just to protect his gold.

That's the difference between a movie for men, and a show for women about a man.

Sisu fucks, Reacher sucks.