Wicked: The Worst Thing I've Ever Seen

Wicked, my asshole. They should have called it Wretched. I've seen bad movies before, but this was something else entirely. Bad doesn't even begin to describe it. This was rotten to the core. It was moldy and unsafe to breathe. It was ugly and evil and made in the darkest corner of Hell's Pit to torment me and tear my soul apart.

I had one very small piece of a very big weed gummy and got the unholy intrusive thought that watching this would be a good idea. It wasn't. This movie gave me a spiraling anxiety attack and i nearly sank into oblivion before desperately reaching for the remote and turning it the fuck off.

That's right, i didn't even finish it, but it still had me miserable for a whole day after. The residual effects of this trash pile on my psyche were like a mental hangover.

First of all the movie is like 3 and a half hours long, and I couldn't make it past maybe an hour. It's very rare that I tap out to a movie. I'll watch just about any piece of shit all the way through. But i can't imagine in my wildest Hell sitting through the entirety of this. What I saw felt like a fucking eternity in the abyss of pain.

The whole plot of the movie is that the wicked witch from Oz was actually a good and wonderful person all along, who nobody understood and everyone just hated and blamed for everything and lied about and judged until she became the villain they wanted her to be all along. So it's fucking depressing, and it beats you over the head with that miserable message, about as subtly as getting crushed by a house. This movie is the definition of "insists upon itself".

It's also ugly as fuck too. The original wizard of Oz movie had a talking lion who just looked like a guy dressed as a lion, so while there is a precedent for animal people in this world, i wasn't prepared for the hideous, disgusting, CGI talking Peter Dinklage goat, or the dopily grinning Charmin bears, or any of the other disgusting dreamcast graphics looking manimal-beasts trundling around Oz in this waking nightmare.

The whole movie has that hideous green screen look, like there wasn't a single physical set or prop. There's no sense of place or pace. Scenes just melt into the next with shitty song after shitty song. It's based on a Broadway musical that's based on a book, but I wish they had cut out the middle man and just based it on the book, because the musical elements here are dog shit. The songs are as grating and heinous as the gas of a hateful anus, and not a single one is memorable, which is a good thing because I don't want to remember them.

But the way the story is presented and the way all these big lavish musical segments are shot seems fundamentally unpleasant in a myriad of ways I can't quite put my finger on. It's like the very structure of the story is that of a stage play and not a film.

God, i hated this experience. It was miserable. A vomit-inducing tilt-a-whirl of a movie. I will never watch the rest of it. Just seeing some of it nearly killed me from the inside out. Watching this filth is my evil origin story.