Tubi Tales: Stupid Scary Silly Stuff

It's Tubi Time again, and this Tubi movie time, it's time for some Tubi Spookies (not to be confused with the spooky movie, Spookies, which is on Shudder). Let's see what gory, ghastly stories of ass-gassy horror are cool enough to be free, on the only streaming service that matters. Or should i say... screaming service?

Microwave Massacre

I first found this in a DVD bin at a gas station 6 years ago, because it’s exactly the kind of movie you find in a DVD bin at a gas station 6 years ago. It might be the most “6 years ago gas station DVD bin” movie of all time. It’s definitely one of the strangest and stupidest movies ever made, and I love every idiotic minute of it.

It stars Jackie Vernon, AKA the goddamn voice of Frosty the motherfuckin Rankin/Bass Snowman, and also one of the funniest fucks who ever a-hyucked. This movie has such a bizarre sense of humor that it borders on surreal, and it’s mostly based on this dude spouting a bunch of sarcastic one liners like he’s practicing a stand up routine, all the while chopping up and cooking his wife. 

He at least has a good reason for doing it. She was a terrible cook! Not to mention a miserable, life-draining nag. You actually sympathize with the guy, partly because he’s the most sarcastic, self-effacing, down-on-his-luck, all-out-of-fucks schmuck in the world, and partly because if you had his wife, you’d wanna keep her in the freezer and stuff her in a lunchbox as well. 

The only way I can describe the tone of this movie is deadpan nihilism. It’s such a unique and quirky little fever dream. I’m not saying it’s the funniest movie of all time, but the humor is unlike anything else I've ever seen. 

For a horror/comedy, it doesn’t come off like it’s trying very hard to be scary or funny. It’s not trying to be anything, it just is. It’s like the movie itself just doesn’t give a fuck about anything. It’s as straightforward and dispassionate as the schlubby main character, a man bereft of joy, who finally finds some excitement in his marriage by turning his wife into a sandwich. 

The funniest joke in the movie is the movie itself. For some reason, this film exists, and that’s enough. It knows it’s enough. The movie is proud of itself just for existing. If I had this movie’s self-esteem I could conquer the world.

Terrifier: The Short

This is the original short film that made The Terrifier a franchise and cemented the demented fuckin weirdo as a fun, happy guy for years to come. He seems to have teleportation powers in this one.

The plot if this can even be said to have one is just Art stalking a lady in her car, and then catching her, and doing some real yucky stuff to her. The final image here is still one of the most brutal in the series.

There’s really nothing worth saying beyond that. If you know Terrifier, you know what this is. He's a silly clown who rips people to pieces. Classic. Everybody loves that guy.

The Wolf of Snow Hollow

I don’t often describe movies as quirky, but I’m doing it now. This is like werewolf Fargo. I’ve never seen Fargo, I’m just assuming that analogy works. This is half a horror movie, and half a small town cop procedural, with a fun little dry sense of humor. 

I love the main character, he’s flawed, but sympathetic, pissed off but likable. A recovering alcoholic who has every right to start hitting the bottle again because the shit he’s dealing with is asinine.

He’s got an annoying teen daughter, an incompetence police force, a whole town full of stupid hicks who think there’s a damn werewolf, and no actual leads. It’s highly entertaining watching this guy get increasingly pissed off and lashing out at all the dummies around him.

Also, Robert Forester is in this. Must have been one of his last roles. I love that man, and his eyebrows, which will live forever.