WRESTLING!

WWE Backlash

Backlash started with a big fat 4 way between Jacob Fatu and 3 other fat guys too. It was a decently fat match with a lot of butt-crunching table bumps. La Knight does a phat elbow drop to a standing opponent that looks rad as hell. I’m studying this maneuver so I can use it in my own daily battles.

The main Event was John Cena, who is now an evil heel, which in WWE means guy who tells the truth vs Randy Orton who is now the de facto good guy simply because he’s been around a long time and everybody thinks he’s cool. This match used to happen every week for about 10 years, but it’s different this time, they swear.

Orton had Cena just about killed but R Truth interfered on Cena’s behalf, because R Truth has brain problems and doesn’t understand what’s going on. He was rewarded for his loyalty by getting AA’d to death at the press conference. John Cena’s so pissed off he doesn’t need friends anymore. 

Pat Mcafee loves his friends though and his best friend is Michael Cole, who was attacked by Gunther, the most powerful fucker of all. So it’s Pat  vs. Gunther for Michael Cole’s honor. This was the best match of the night because Pat Mcafee is annoying and it was just him getting his ass kicked for 15 minutes. Gunther rules. 

WWE: Saturday Night Main Event

This one started out with a tag match. Punk and Zayn, vs. Rollins and Bron. This match might have been ok but there were 3 commercial breaks in it, so it stunk. Bronson Reed showed up and joined the Seth Supergroup. So now they have a big fat guy, a big fast guy, a fast medium sized guy, and a big fat pig named Paul Heyman. This is the biggest, fattest, fastest, group of fucks in history. 

John Cena had a match with R Truth this time. Truth actually cut a serious promo leading up to this that made the match seem meaningful even though he had no chance of winning. I like R Truth. Everyone does. Everyone should. But he’s dead now. Evil Cena killed him. 

NXT: Something or Other

I don’t remember the name of this show or anything about it really because I only watched the first match twice, but i watched it twice. It was between two chicks I've never heard of who are now my favorite chicks. Sol Ruca and Kelani Jordan. These babes were flipping and fighting and fucking flying around like crazy. I was like “Hell yeah”. It’s true, you can ask me. I’ll be like “Hell yeah”. 

AEW: Double or Nothing?

I haven’t had time to watch this one yet. I’m going to take a wild guess that it was 26 hours long and featured 72 title belts, with a tournament or 10 thrown in for good measure. AEW is reliable in that way.